Monday, December 27, 2010

Tumor Board Today/I miss my Laura

Today is tumor board and we are supposed to hear the news...hopefully Dr. Shapiro remembers to call us. I am a little nervous but I think the worst thing they could tell us is get on a plane and head for San Fran. Yes sounds bad because of surgery but I would get to see Muir Woods again...I am trying to be positive.

Today I would like to let you meet one of my best friends. Laura Denise Bayles

Laura and I met in the 6th grade at Bush Elementary. She moved into our ward in the summer...right before my birthday. I remember going to Sunday School and someone telling me that there was a new cute girl in our class and that she was not just visiting! That made Emily and I very happy. There were not many girls our age in our neighborhood...just Emily and I until Laura came along and what a joy she has been. Laura came to my birthday party that year...and we have been friends ever since. We made it through Elementary School Junior High and then High School. Laura was always a bright spot in my life. I knew I would have a good time when Laura was around. Her smile/laugh was contagious and I could not help but be happy whenever I was around her. I looked forward to girls camp because I knew Laura would be there and she would never leave me alone. She is the type of girl who includes everyone and makes everyone feel good about themselves. She is a girl who truely cares about others and service is a part of her life she may not recognize because she just does it constantly. Laura is a perfect example of one who constantly shows Christ love. Her hugs are unforgetable and I love her.

Here are just a few pictures I gathered from facebook of my girl Laura...if I would have checked my mothers computer we would have found pictures from that birthday party along with many many other scary pictures of us growing up. Laura is leaving to serve a mission to Cambodia! She leaves on Saturday but last night was my last hug for a while. Maybe I cried.















You can tell she is full of life and love. Imma miss you Laura. I will never forget your kindness and love. Hug all the Cambodians for me and share that smile. I will never forget in church when you shared one of your favorite quote...I don't know it exactly but it was something like, "Never stop smiling because you never know who is falling in love with your smile"

I will make it 18 months...I will be here when you get back and I want another Laura hug as soon as you get home. I love you Laura and I will miss you more than you know. I will do whatever it takes to be here when you get home...I will be the first one in the church to hear your homecoming talk...with a smile on my face. Thanks for letting me be a part of your life. Love ya girl...

Tara

Friday, December 24, 2010

Back to the Tumor Board

I did not read my moms post so sorry if this is repeat. Yesterday I had my scan and the results sent me back to the Tumor Board where 25 to 40 doctors will review my current scan. That black whole we talked about...that needed to stay there...isn't there but he is not sure that it is regrowth. He (being Dr. Shapiro) is perplexed about the whole thing. He said that he has seen it before but he is not sure what it is. My mom probably did not tell you that they were considering taking me off temodar just in case I have to have a surgery soon. I almost feel like we will be heading back to San Fran sometime next year. He said that they cannot know what it is until they open me up and take it out but they do not want to do that. Dr. did end up putting me on Temodar and as for today I have not been unblinded for the trial. We really don't know anything yet but Dr. said that he would call us Monday night. I sure hope he remembers. It was weird to be ni the office and to hear him call me in on tumor board. I have a special case number and everything. So we are praying that Monday does not send me into surgery, The good thing is...I won't lose much hair if they have to shave it! :) Dr. says he really doesn't care about my hair. he said he likes me too and he thinks I am cute ( not in the freaky way). We have a special little bond my oncologist and I and at the end of the appointment I got to give him a hug while everyone else did the boring hand shake thing. I figured it is a good thing that my oncologist likes me...maybe he will be more encouraged. I will now forever on...suck up to my doctors...:) ha!

Merry Chrstmas everyone. I have not written in a long while but it has been a rough couple of weeks. Life goes on and I am still thankful for everyday. Every sunrise, sunset and rain. I love this world so much and I am thankful for my time. Remember Christ this season...I never realized this before but when people write or say Xmas, they are doing exactly what Satan wants...cross out Christ and put a big fat X. When did X become a replacement for Christ. I was definitely one of those who would abbreviate it without even thinking... it is kinda sad.

Anyway Merry Christmas

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Scan

This is Becky - Tara promised to update sometime soon; but she's just so busy right now... she wanted to make sure some news got on the blog; so here I go.
First of all, let me say how much our family really appreciates all those prayers in Tara's behalf and our family's behalf.  I can assure you we need them and feel the power of prayer.  Every scan is somewhat nerve wracking; but I was able to be at peace today going into the scan and doctor's appointment.  I know that is because of prayers.  We have been so touched as we hear stories of constant prayers in Tara's behalf.  I know our prayers are constant - it's always in our hearts; and we know there are many who struggle with health issues, and we feel for you.  We likely feel for you as we never have before....

Brain tumors are strange phenomenons.  It's hard to compare your tumor with the "norm".  Scott kept asking Shapiro today about what the "common" or other results are from others; and we couldn't get a good answer; because every person and every tumor is so different.  So, today inside Tara's brain we saw instead of a "black hole" a collapsed version of that hole.  Shapiro said it resembles a flower that has collapsed; which isn't necessarily bad. We were told a few months ago that hole should always stay empty; because they didn't want any tumor to grow back in that spot.  So, in that spot, we now see some fluid still ( there was fluid last scan) and we also saw "enhancements" - all I can say is it is "white stuff" in that area that Shapiro said has increased.  Scott & I wish NOTHING was going on inside that brain other than the fluid to disappear; but some of this could be good.  Because the tumor area has collapsed; it is now smaller.  Shapiro is going to present the MRI to the "tumor board" on Monday and then call us. The tumor board is a group of 25-40 doctors who review these scans and make a decision.  There is a chance Tara will need further surgery; but Shapiro said that the area in the brain with the enhancements would be "easy" to get out.  My mother's heart doesn't want Tara to go through surgery again; and I don't want anything happening inside her brain; but I learned months ago that this is not up to me. I can't write the script on this one. This is a lesson in patience and prayer for all of our family.  So, Shapiro said he would tell us when to worry; and he said not to worry now; so I'm trying really hard to be obedient and not worry.

Tara continues to smile through all of this.  She has experienced some more headaches the past 2 weeks; likely due to that fluid still inside her brain; but she says they're "not bad." I'm thinking "bad" is relative...  She is also tired from the Dilantin (seizure med); but Shapiro said she can now take all 4 pills at night so hopefully she won't be so tired during the day.  She starts round 4 of chemo tonight and we pray she won't be as sick as she was last month.  She is just happy to be here and to be in love with "her Joshua" and to have Christmas with her family.  She looks really cute with her new hair sprouting.  (she's always cute; but the hair is exciting!)

We came home from Barrows and drank our sparkling apple cider we saved to celebrate and we celebrated "life with Tara!"  We're just happy to be together for Christmas and to have Travis and Rachel here with us also.  That means on a semi regular basis; 10 people can be found at this house!  WOW!  I love it!

Thank you all so much for all your prayers and your "adoption" of Tara into your lives.  It's so much easier to get through this with our family and friends and those we don't even know who are praying for us.  What a great support group you are!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Merry Christmas to me!!!! :)

I am definitely officially in the Christmas mood.  Christmas music is all I let Joshua listen to and I drink my happy cup of 100% apple wassail heated almost-too-hot! :) I snuggle in my blankets and get to wear my winter hats! Oh I love Christmas. Josh and I are in the process of getting our tree and then Christmas will be ready to come! My sister found a new Christmas song which is pretty awesome. If you want to check it out...watch here! So I was going to write other things on this post but I just got back from the Doctor and I have some rather exciting news!

I don't know if you would call it peeking but I am almost sure that I will be getting what I really really wanted. It is the biggest present that I have ever wished for in my life!!! This may be the best Christmas ever!!! All I wanted was a clean scan and today I learned that it very well could happen. Today we became more sure that I am on AVASTIN!!!!! Yes, it may seem weird to be this excited to be receiving more chemotherapy but trust me...chemo has become my new best friend! For the past two infusions, I have noticed a slight almost headache. It doesn't hurt and does't really bother me. I get kinda hazy or dizzy and it just feels funny. Today I decided to tell the nurse about it. Earlier in the appointment we were speculating with the nurse whether or not I was on the medicine. She said that by the end of treatment she can usually tell if people are on it. No one in the hospital knows who is on it...not even the pharmacy who fills it. They all say "Avastin placebo." She told me that based on the previous side effects I have been having she thinks that there is a chance I could be on it. That made me happy! :) So 3 minutes later I tell her about the weird feeling and she gives me a look...a very good look. I said, "is this a side effect of Avastin?" She then said, " every one of our Avastin patients says almost exactly what you just said. (my heart starts pounding) and water...doesn't do that to you!" (In others words, I am probably not getting the placebo (water) in my veins). She gave me a smile and then walked out of the room. Maybe I started to cry of joy...how could this be possible?? ALL my dreams are coming true. I would have been good with the marriage and happiness and all but now...the very medicine we prayed for is running into my body helping to kill my cancer. I got control of my tears before she got back and replaced the happy tears with a beaming smile...it almost hurt I was smiling so big! I believe that I am on the Avastin and that this Christmas I very well could get the gift I have been dreaming of...a clean scan. This sends us hopefully on our way to that very thing. I have tried to be a good girl all year long! :)

Ah, I am just so happy.

Your prayers and faith. Thank you. I am thankful for you.

-The happiest girl in the world (cause I am getting more chemo!!!!!!!!)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thanksgiving thoughts from Tara

Wow I can't believe that Thanksgiving has come and gone. Time really does fly...been six months since I walked out of the hospital in San Fran. Can you believe how much has happened in six months? In six months I have practically become a brain expert, gotten married, lost all my hair, moved three times, endured six rounds of chemo, barely lived through radiation, made a million new friends, been blessed by an apostle, and gained a new appreciation for life. Today I was thinking about life again...big surprise! :) How lucky am that I am young and strong and ready to fight this fight. Many older folks would just toss in the towel...right now it is not time for me to do that. Right now it is time for me to fight...fight for my life. I did not realize how stubborn I was until now. I am glad I am stubborn and not willing to give up. While going through cancer treatments you usually are faced with more than a dozen reasons or oppurtunities to give up...I faced one of those this last week...and guess who won!

This past week I have learned the horrid side effects of being constipated. I really don't want to go into detail but I will say that I now have gained more empathy for constipated people...see good things do come from bad things! Now I can fully say that I understand and that I am sorry!  It was a miserable week but I won. What have I learned from last week's trial...

1. Don't wait until you are sick to start taking meds. If the doctors tell you to take them...don't think you will be fine...take them!
2. Your mom is unfortunately...usually right
3. Green Smoothies are helpful
4. Josh is the most amazing man in the world
5. I will never make that mistake again.

Once again I have learned that the best way to learn is by making mistakes...:) Glad that mistake is over.

Sorry I have been gone for a while. It is no fun to write when you don't feel well...just know that I am all better now and we are seeing major happiness happening on top of my head!

Please pray for Chuck Buckhannon...his surgery is the 13th and he needs comfort. It is kinda interesting that the two people sick in my neighborhood are both sick with brain cancer. I really did not want a Temodar buddy but if it is to be anyone...it is great to have Chuck as my companion! We were exchanging texts after he found out about the tumor and this is what he said and I completely agree.

"I am not nervous. God knows what He is doing."

Give yourself to the Lord...it works better that way.

Forgive 70 times 7 please...I know I have been a bad writer but I will try to do better! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and thanks for sharing this journey with me...only 8 months left!

Oh and my next scan is the 23rd of this month. On that day I see every doctor I have...well almost.

Shapiro - Neuro-oncologist
Brachman - Radiation oncologist
Infusion - nurses for avastin placebo (clinical trial)
Temodar - Brain Chemo starts again
Shiflet - homeopathic doctor
Scan - doctor man who does it and gives me that cool blue dye!

That should be enough doctors for that day and then CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

All I want for Christmas is a clean scan! Santa can't bring me what I want this year...only Christ.

Merry Christmas

Love,

Tara Bodrero

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

This is Becky.

Sunday in church; all of the women in the room said in two words what they were thankful for - my words were "each day."  I have really learned to love each day and treasure our days.  Last week was a treasure.  We were lucky enough to have Rachel & Travis home from college; along with Scott's mother and his sister's family.  It was so wonderful to have a house full of people again!  We really enjoyed our Thanksgiving together.

Wednesday before Thanksgiving we had a big "doctor day" again and unfortunately, Tara started chemo again Wednesday (along with another dosage of the clinical trail chemo) and so she wasn't feeling too hot during our break with everyone here; but she participated in our activities when she could.  Somehow she made it shopping at midnight for Black Friday; but I think the surge of willpower to do that event sapped her for the rest of the week.  But, we are moving on; chemo is done for the month again and she should start to regain some of her energy.  I'm getting used to these monthly cycles - the good part is that the months are ticking by.  The more months that tick by; the closer we are to finishing this 14 month treatment.

I learned some more from Dr. Shapiro last week.  I haven't been too excited about Tara taking Dilantin for a year; but Dr. Shapiro explained why it is necessary; so I'm more resolved about it.  He said once your brain has a seizure; it is more likely to have a seizure again.  The brain finds the pathway for the first seizure; then that pathway is more easily followed the second time around, and so forth.  He also said that seizures can lead to paralysis; so I very quickly jumped on board of the pill taking at that point.  Previous to this moment, I was happy when Tara forgot to take her Dilantin and had a great day all day without tirednesss; but now, I am grateful for Dilantin and Tara is getting used to it.  She just really needs her sleep!!!  So, in a year from now we are looking forward to being medicine free in all ways.  But if not, some people take seizure medicine always and seem to function normally; so that's reasssuring.  So, on we go throughout this medicine cycle.  I have to remember to be grateful for the medicines - that they are killing those cancer cells in the brain.

Things I love and I'm grateful for this week:

The Lord
The opportunity to just LOOK at my college kids and have them around me.  I miss them so much!
Hugs and smiles from Brigham when he sees "grandma".
My married kids living close to our house so we can see them often
Relatives that came to our home
The chance to be around Tara and see her smile & feel of her great spirit
A body that works right
A great husband who provides so well for me
I'm glad Nate can play basketball and there is no permanent problem with his shoulder - he's just growing!
Prayer
Friends
Doctors and technology

That's enough..... I could go on and on; but I will spare you.  I am very grateful chemo is done for a few weeks.  I'm grateful Tara is here and we are all alive and well.

One last note - Tara's choir sang in church Sunday and it was a definite musical highlight (I think) for her - she'll have to talk about it; but the song sounded like REAL music and it was filled with the Spirit. (you who know me know that is a very high compliment - the REAL music part).  Her energy level was not high; but she made it through Sunday and the choir performance. She did a fabulous job conducting a fairly difficult song and we are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our ward who come to choir and support Tara.  She is easy to love!  Thanks to all of you who sang with us Sunday!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Rex --- a new angel

 I am a blog stalker...there I said it. Lately I have been blog stalking a little boy named Rex. Rex is a little boy who was diagnosed with DIPG, t is a brain tumor as well. I have been following this little guy and recently...he became an angel. The doctors did not think that he would make it to the birth of his new baby sister but he made it longer than expected and the family was able to get a few pictures with him before he passed on to be with his Heavenly Father and sweet Sadie Huish who also suffered from a DIPG. If these pictures don't make you cry I don't know what will. Hus funeral is next week. Ah it is so sad to see these little guys suffer. I am glad he got to hold his sister.















He loved Toy Story and loved "To Infinity and Beyond" They have translated his special saying to "To eternity and Beyond" What a sweet angel

Monday, November 15, 2010

Who am I?

Lately I have been getting very tired because of my medicine. I often get frustrated and angry. Luckily I think I have found something that really helps with this problem. Though it may sound funny...I try breathing deep and talking to myself. It works so next time you get down or depressed or angry try to define who you are! This is my definition of me.

I have cancer, brain cancer. I have hope, high hope. I am surrounded by love. I have faith. I have an addiction to smiling. Laughing is a favorite pastime. I have peace, comfort, and knowledge. I have an amazing husband. I have friends. I have family. I have neighbors. I have a dog. I have new hairs finding their new home on my beautiful scalp and I have confidence. I have strength and I have will. I am filled with fire and courage. I am stubborn and I am smart. I have music and I have talents. I have the power to create and the power to withstand the devil. I have the Lord on my side. I have dedication. My fears are outweiged by faith. My faults are forgiven. I am a child of God, and a divine princess. Cancer fears me because of all that I have, and all that I am. 

It doesn't matter that I have made many mistakes and that there are many things that I am not...all that God cares about is what I am. Cancer fears what I am and I know what I am! :)

Come what may and love it...even if it is brain cancer. You don't have to love how sick it makes you or the hard times but rather what you have learned from it. I need to love what it is teaching me and how it is making me stronger. I need to love it because it is God's plan. I love God's plan, therefore, I love my trial some may call brain cancer because of what it has taught me.)

Can you see why this makes me feel better! :)

Try it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dr. Shapiro

I went to see the doc the other day and they finally discussed my seizure. He did take my scans to the tumor board and there was one doctor that was worried that the fluid was a sign of tumor regrowth. Dr. took him seriously and had many other doctors look at it. They all disagreed with the doctor who thought it was coing back, and so did Dr. Shapiro. I am passing all the movement tests that I should be passing and I seem to be doing fine. I am legally still allowed to drive because if I do have another seizure it will be another focal partial motor seizure, which is what I had. If this happens I can just pull off the road and call someone. My seizures do not cause me to go unconscious so I am allowed to drive. Apparently most people who have had brain surgery have seizures and he was surprised that it was my first one. I am just still not supposed to be left unattended. Easy to do. When we walked out of the room the doctor said some very encouraging words. "I'm not worried about her" I have never loved those words more. Him not worrying is a good thing. We have learned that doctors not giving you a ton of attention is a good thing. In the ER they told us that no news was good news. The longer we waited for results, the better. They always take care of the urgent things first. They read every scan real quick and if it doesn't look bad then they move on. If it is bad then they take care of it right away and then go back to the other scans. We waited five hours!!!! That's awesome news to us. If the doctor isn't worried than I am not worried. I am on the new meds which still make me feel drunk. He said that I will be on them at least a year and most likely indefinitely. He said that this medicine ruins fetuses so he told us again that we can  not get pregnant. Not planning on it now but what about later? He said that there are other things we can do if I ever want to get pregnant. Pretty much I am going to have a close relationship with these guys for the rest of my life. They will know everything about me while I know nothing but their name about them. Funny how that works. So life is good and I am just waiting for more blood tests today. This will be the third time this week. They have to check my Dilantin levels again.

So that's the word from the doctor. Yesterday at Yoga we talked about the power of the mind again. I really believe that our mind has power and that we can control some of that power. I will try to keep my mind positive and happy. I will use a positive power with my mind...I will be a superhero! :)

As to why this seizure happened - still no real answers.  It could be that the brain is just misfiring and the neurons still are reacting as if there is a tumor in there.  It happens with brain tumor patients and I will likely have to be on anti seizure meds for a very long time.  Dr. Shapiro is currently doing research on that very topic; but the brain is a complicated thing.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fingers Working and Less Drunk

After reading my last post I feel quite embarrassed but cannot erase it because it definitely describes how I have felt the last few days. Today I am feeling better and am also able to type as you may notice. Now for the details. Here is my version of the ER story. Monday: 2:30PM on the phone with Uncle Todd-light headed and not feeling well. Dad overhears Todd asking me if I am okay and comes in the check on me. Dad stays with me through another dizzy spell then I tell him to leave because I have a lot to do. I am kinda pushy and really wanted to get things ready. Seriously 30 seconds later I call for my Dad because things are getting worse and I cannot see. Dad comes in and decides that we are going to go home early. Dad packs up in record time and my arm beings to go numb. I start to panic. We rush out of the office and my Dad tries to calm me. He is named Emotional Coach for the next rough hours. Tara and Dad get in car and begin to head home. Tara is feeling even more numb and gets more scared. Okay enough with the third person. Then out of no where, my hand hits me in the face. How rude, but seriously...my hand hit me in the face. My hand started convulsing and then my arm started flying. My Dad tried to hold it down and it kept hitting him. I refer to my hand during this period as an "it" because I had no control and do not want to recognize the fact that it was, my arm. My Dad called Terri and I texted her a few times with my burned right thumb. No answer. Then my face turns numb right before the 202, 101 intersection. I tell my Dad to head to the hospital and he happy heads in that direction. My arm is beginning to become very sore because I had been fighting my dad. My muscles were aching but I could not stop my hand from flying all over the place. When he did let my hand go it felt like there was a bat flying around in the car. My hand would smack the window and then hit me and then fly behind my head. We had to get my ring off because I was rubbing the other ringers raw with it edges. When I stop seizing I try to move my fingers and this is when I really start to freak out. Can you image the things that would run through your head if you could no longer move one of your arms? I was scared that it would never stop going crazy and that they would have to cut it off or tie it town because it would be a hazard...that was the extreme. I thought of all the years of piano I have practiced and all the future children I want to hold and how hard it would be without an arm. I now have more empathy for people missing a limb. Terri finally called us back and told us to head right to the ER. My dad picked up the pace and we soon made it to the ER. They quickly checked me in and stuck a nice IV in my arm. The bruise is amazing. I have never had an IV bruise like this and I find it sad that I have other IV experiences to compare it to! :) They could not use my port because the ER is too dirty I guess. After they stuck me with the IV they had to take blood from the same arm, practically in the same spot! They really need to learn to combine needle pokings! My arm continued to go crazy for about 10 minute sessions for about 3 hours. My mom came in after everyone else and saw it and about freaked out. She had no idea why we were there and she was so confused. She started saying that we need to tell the nurse and she started to go find a nurse when my dad reminded her that the nurse had seen it and that it had been happening for an hour and a half. I tried to control my arm so she would not see but I could not help it and she saw the crazy arm. It was the weirdest thing in the CT scan. I had to hold my arm down and it literally kept running away from me. I cannot reenact what happened but it is deeply en-grained in my memory. So I had the scan and then we waited 5 hours for a doctor. 5! They finally put me on an anti-seizure Dilantin. at first they had it set to run at 100 drops per hour or something like that and then I got really itchy so she said she was going to cut it in half. She left and I continued to itch. Josh looked at the monitor and it said 300. When she came back he said, " I'm no doctor but you said you were going to cut it in half and it is at 300 right now and half of 100 is 50." She quickly changed it back...scared out of her mind. I am glad that he caught it and said something. The medicine has been a complete pain. I feel like I am dunk and having a hangover and the same time apparently. I have no idea why people would want to get drunk...it was miserable and lasted for three days! I was dizzy and stomach sick and did not know what was going on! I hated it. I am much better now. So today I can move my left arm fine and we will not know more until next week. There are a number of things it could be. We got home at around 3 after our ER experience. It was my first time and I prefer to never go again...dreaded place. Happy November! I am so thankful for my beautiful under-appreciated left arm.

Night night for me. Study Study for Josh. He has a big test tomorrow...

Tara B.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

update

This is Becky.  Tara really cannot type yet; I am hopeful she will regain full use of her left arm soon!  She is very tired today; both from the meds and the actual seizures.  She had seizures yesterday on and off for 3 hours.  Her left arm would spasm out and wildly flail around.  Her left side of her face also was numb.  Anyway, we never met with Shapiro today - he reviewed Tara's case without seeing her and will see her next week; so we still have no real answers as to why this happened.  It could be one of several things:  scar tissue (but why now after 5 months?), fluid (likely the case), blood in the brain, or other causes.  We just don't know and hopefully Dr. Shapiro can figure it out from the CT scan.  They did say last night there may be a spot on the scan; possibly a blood spot or something.

Tara is supposed to rest and she could possibly feel more adjusted to the Dilantin by Thursday (anti-seizure med).  She has ordered me to Houston for the quilt festival I planned months ago.  She will have someone with her at all times this week; and has assured me there is not much I can do since we can't see doctors until next week; so off I go.  It will be tough not to think of Tara every minute; but I will try.  I leave in the morning....

Tara remained positive throughout the evening - her comment when we waited for hours to hear from a neurologist was the following:  "It must be good news because they are attending others worse off than me.  If it was bad for me, then the doctors would be here."  She still managed to smile and laugh at herself while her arm flailed around wildly.  I was bothered by her arm flailing around; but Tara just dealt with in her usual manner; laughing at herself.  Josh is very sweet to her and helps her smile.  We watched more TV last night than we had watched in 6 months (we don't have cable.......) and I got way too much quilting done waiting for those neurologists who never came.  All we ever talked to was a resident.... but such is life.  I still believe she is in good hands...  She hasn't had any more seizures and seems to be stabilizing; so that's good.

Thanks all for your love and concern!

Why would you ever get drunk?

I cannot reallt type sp I will have my mom do it later for me. They day that the medivinr makes you drunk and I super hate it a lot. I am super dizzy ansd can't reallu think straight. There good enoufH. we will write later. This stinks but at least my hand is not titting me in the head anmore...bad hand.@ Goosd night

ER room

We hit a bump in the road yesterday.  Tara has been feeling remarkably well this round of Temodar.  She looks healthy; hasn't been as sick as last month; and we have been so encouraged!  It must be all the prayers you have been sending our way; so this "bump" was a shock.

Today if you could pray that Dr. Shapiro will be able to know how to help Tara that would be helpful.  Tara had seizures yesterday on her left arm and her left side of the face.  We went to the ER and she had some IV medication for seizures; but we have no answers yet as to "why" the seizures.  It is definitely brain tumor related because it's the same area that was affected before the tumor was removed.  We got home last night (morning) at 2:30 am and Tara is sleeping peacefully now and we will see Dr. Shapiro this afternoon.

Tara will write more when she can; this is just a quick update.  Thanks for all your love and prayers!

Becky

Thursday, October 28, 2010

He did not call my scans beautiful...:(

Dr. Shapiro did not call my scans beautiful. He really didn't say much at all which isn't unexpected but rather so unlike me. I want to be explained to, and I want to know more about everything. He just does not have the same bedside manor as Dr. Brachman who was the one who broke the news to me the first time. Now he did not say my scans were bad either!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)  Dr. Shapiro said everything was fine! Yaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess fine is as exciting as we are going to get from him. He really just never gets excited but is funny in his own special way. So the news is good but we have a little piece of information that we are still waiting on. As of today we learned that my cancer is not growing or gone. It is there but not growing. The one thing is that they did find a liquid that they are unsure of. He is taking it to his council of doctors to get more opinions. I have a fluid inside my brain that matches the fluid on the outside of my brain. They are a little concerned but did not show much worry. I may have just hit my head too many times...no one would be surprised!  The doctors asked how I hit my head. Trust me, I find ways to hit things I am not supposed to hit....I hit it on the car door or the bed frame. I will turn too fast and run into the fridge or knock it on the counter after picking something up. I will find a way to hurt myself! Terri said that the worst thing that she thinks that could happen would just be another surgery to release the fluid from the inside of the brain and if they only have to get the outside of the brain then they can just stick a needle in my head to release it. We are just watching it for now. So we had a successful day and I will sleep much better tonight! The nurses struggled using my port today so I am kinda sore but I am so happy with my scan results. No change is so good. It may not be all gone but it is not growing and that is exactly what we need to see. The Lord has heard our cries. He is taking care of me and letting me stay here for a while longer. I know that he is behind this and that he is answering many many prayers. 2 MORE MONTHS UNTIL WE HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN! I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT MY SCANS CAME BACK BEAUTIFUL TO ME!

Thank you for praying and don't stop! I will let you know what we are going to do about the fluid as soon as we know more!

Tara still-tumor-less Bodrero

 I take my chem in 18 minutes...bring it baby...the only way for me to get better is to get sick. I crave the sick feeling...It is the weirdest feeling to be overjoyed that you are sick!

Love ya

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Close Enough to Touch

I received this a few weeks ago and I can say that it has changed my life. I get tears every time I read this. This was sent to me via email. It is a portion of a scripture study journal from a friend.
 


Mark 5:25-34
§  A woman has had an “issue of blood” (footnote a on verse 25, hemorrhage, which means bleeding) for 12 years, been to all the physicians, and “spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse” (26).  She heard of Jesus and thought to herself, “If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.”  Another great example of faith.  She believes and does not doubt.  An example of zero fear.  Looking at what faith is not is almost as good of a definition as understanding what faith is (belief in things that you can’t see, which are true).  Faith is the absence of fear or doubt, exemplified by this woman with the issue of blood.  If you have even a residue of fear or doubt left in you, then you are not at 100% faith and trust yet.
§  This kind of makes me think of Tara.  Who knows how long she has had this “issue of the brain.”  Probably not 12 years…but who knows when it started growing.  She’s been to tons of doctors and it’s not that she is “growing worse” like this woman, but a grade 4 tumor is a grade 4 tumor.  She will continue with the chemo and doctors and such, but ultimately, if that stuff doesn’t work—there is Christ, the ultimate healer.  With her faith, with our faith, she can be healed.  As she comes closer to Christ (this woman came close enough to touch his garment (27), as we come closer to Christ, she can be healed of “that plague” (29), that cancer.  Let us remember that faith is more than just believing, there is action that must accompany that belief (i.e. the woman fighting the crowd to find Jesus and touch his garment).  We’ve got to come close to Him, close enough to touch His garment.
§  Don’t we all wish that Christ would say to Tara what he said to the woman: “Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.”  Is the Bible true?  Is this story true?  If so, then this story defied science and math.  But that is what Christ’s power can do—defy math and science.  Therefore, if it was possible for Christ’s power to defy science then, it is also possible to defy science now, for it is the same power.  It is possible.  Is it His will?

Powerful and so true. Right after I read this I had my own little ponder session and I decided what I was going to do to have 100% faith. My new goal became to come as close to Him as possible. Close enough to touch Him. The woman in the scriptures had faith to make her whole. One day, I hope to hear him say, "Daughter, thy faith hath made the whole." I know that this can happen and it will if it is God's will.


Tomorrow is MRI day. I would love to say that I have achieved 100% faith but I am not yet there. I am a little fearful. Okay, I have dreams and my whole dream is just slowly watching my tumor grow and take over...terrible dreams. I am fearful but I do have faith, maybe not 100%, but I do know that God is in control and he will take care of me. Last night I was a little worried because I have been cheating a lot on my eating healthy chore. I have had more sugar and white flour than I should have and I was worried that because I have not done all I could to help my body that God would not help me. You know the scriptures say that we have to do all we can, we have to do our part. Last night I had the thought that I was not doing my part. Josh reminded me that God does not punish and that he knows your heart and that is more important than what you eat. God can defy science. He is the maker of science. 

I know that our faith can make us whole. I know that families are forever and I know that there is a plan for me. Yes i have fear but I have less fear because I have faith. God is in control and knows the end from the beginning. Please continue your prayers as we still need a miracle. Please continue your faith. 


My favorite stories are when I hear about the primary children's prayers for me. Little Sophie Cullimore prays for me every day and she has got to be the cutest little girl in the world! I have heard that some of the kids I used to babysit regularly pray for me as well. It means so much to me and I know that there is a mighty plethora of others who also pray. Thank you. Last night my Uncle Todd came in town for a few meetings. I picked him up from the airport and he was telling me funny stories about his son Spencer. He is the cutest thing in the world and he likes things done right, like praying for Tara! I guess someone at church forgot to pray for me in sacrament meeting and he decided to let them know that they had forgotten me! :) He called out, "You forgot to pray for Tara!" Now if that doesn't bring a smile to your face I don't know what will. I guess Spencer was also at someone else house who does not know my story and situation but after the prayer in their home he once again told them all, that they "forgot to pray for Tara!" I know that the Lord hears the prayers of the children. Thank you kids for your prayers.

I love you and I will let you know how everything goes tomorrow...


Tumor-less Tara

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoL_3zIE9Jo&feature=player_embedded  -- CLOSE ENOUGH TO TOUCH
This song goes along with the story of the woman being healed.
Thank you Shauni

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Good Morning!

This is Becky.  It is very early Saturday morning.  As I laid in bed wondering why on earth I was awake, I finally gave up and decided to type this blog post I composed in my mind while in bed.  I LOVE my sleep - I am not one of those people who "cannot sleep".  I am a good sleeper; so this is strange.  This morning brings back a few memories of mornings last May, June and July, when I woke up early with an elephant on my chest; or so it felt.  This morning is different  - there is no elephant there; only happiness.  As I ponder the root of my happiness, I have decided that I am feeling all the prayers and love you are all sending our way.

This week, as in many other weeks, everywhere I go, almost everyone I see, poses the question, "how is Tara?  or how is your daughter?"  I know you are still praying.  Wednesday during an institute class, I spoke with some of our dear friends who are now in the Northpoint ward.  Their words echo some of your hearts - they said, "I want you to know I have never prayed harder for anyone in my life than I have prayed for Tara.  We feel as if she is our own daughter and we have adopted her."  I really believe that.  There are so many of you who have adopted us and have been praying and praying.  I am humbled by the outpouring of love from so many.  I have said that before in this blog, but I really feel as if I need to say it again.

So, when the question is posed, "how is Tara?" my response this week has been, "this is a good week."  That is how we live around here - week to week, day to day.  We cherish the days we have and we appreciate the days Tara feels good.  Yesterday Tara was really hurrying through CVS Pharmacy so she could get to her sister-in-law's track meet on time.  She speed walked and almost ran through the store!  She was faster than me going through the store and I am not a slow store walker person.  It made me laugh and I was so happy to see her moving so quickly.

Thursday is our next scan and next round of Temodar (and next dosage of clinical trial).  I am not afraid.  I was faithful, yet still afraid on the last scan.  This time there is not fear in my heart.  I know it is because of your prayers.  I can feel the Lord's hand in this process.  I told Rachel this week that fear and faith cannot exist together; so I am practicing what I preach.  We also are going to a chiropractor or homeopathic doctor who fixed Tara's weak left shoulder yesterday with lasers, who is going to help us hopefully manage the sickness from the Temodar.  I am hopeful the sickness this round will not last as long or be as potent as last month.  After this round of Temodar, we are down to less than 10 treatments..... I also told Tara as we spoke of the upcoming chemo again, that the good thing about time passing quickly (in Tara's mind it has been quickly) is that the positive side to time marching along is that the treatment is marching along also.

We met one of our blog friends yesterday at the chiropractor - Kayla Heywood - she is another person like Josh who signed up for medical issues before marriage.  People like Kayla and Josh are heroes to me.  There are many Kaylas and Joshs in this world who know before they head into marriage that it could be a tough road ahead with many trials along the way, but do it anyway because of the love they have for their spouse.

Thank you, thank you, for your love and continued prayers!  Have a great weekend!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Two Tenors! :)

 My new ward calling is Ward Choir Director. I know, I am just as surprised as you are. Me? No way, but okay, if that is what the Lord wants I will do my best. Today I had my second choir practice and today, I had my second choir practice with zero tenors! How am I supposed to get a choir ready to sing in church next week when I am the only tenor? I can't sing their part and lead...I can barely lead! I don't know what I am doing and thankfully my mother (and choir pianist) has been a choir director for 15 years and gladly helps me out and can listen to every part, watch me and my pathetic leading, and play the song flawlessly (sight reading of course!). She really is amazing. Thanks Momma, I know you will read this! Anyway, I am a funny little leader that tends to get excited and go up on my toes from time to time. Cutting people off is not my strong point but at least I can keep time. With God all things are possible right? :) So, it has been the second week without tenors and this song really needs a tenor part. It is a beautiful song and the choir is actually doing well! As you can tell by my blog title, there are now two tenors! They probably have no idea how happy I am that they agreed. The story goes as follows....

I have learned more than ever that good things can come from bad things and this is yet another example of how this is true. Yesterday my dear Joshua stepped on a nail. He did a pretty good job of it too. His foot was flat against the board he had stepped on and the nail quickly passed through his shoe and unfortunately his foot. He goes through Motrin like I go through peanut M&Ms and his foot is kinda turning red. I am glad that missionaries have to have tenus shots before the mission so we don't have to worry. We checked the nail and it was not rusty or anything, just long and pointy. He has been on crutches and moving is a burden for him. He is having a great attitude and forgives me for every time I step on his foot or kick his leg. I never did that until he hurt his leg then I start doing it 10 times a day! So my poor guy is in a lot of pain. Josh is part of the Elders Quorum and missed a meeting today because he could not walk and when the elders found out they had to come see him and wish him well. I of course was also at the door and a thought came to my still wonderfully functioning mind..."two men, men...I need men! Could they possibly be tenors??? Just ask!" So I asked and sure enough, BOTH are tenors and BOTH agreed to come to choir next week! I am extremely excited about this and I feel horrible about it but I definitely found good in Josh's pain. I told him that it was a good thing he got hurt (in the nicest way possible) and he agreed. Thanks Joshua for putting yourself through so much pain for me. Thanks to you I have two new tenors and a cute husband on crutches that I get to help. You have never been sick for me to take care of and I am constantly sick for you to take care of!

There is light at the end of every tunnel!

Happy Sunday...are you ready for Monday?

Love,

Tara B.

Also, please keep Elder Ferrin's family in your prayers this week. He graduated with me and just passed away while on a mission for our church. he had a brain aneurysm and I know his family would appreciate the prayers of comfort at this time.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Live like I am dying

I was thinking about this song at breakfast and it has become the foundation for my post

It is a song by Tim McGraw called Live Like You Were Dying

He said: "I was in my early forties,
"With a lot of life before me,
"An' a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
"I spent most of the next days,
"Looking at the x-rays,
"An' talking 'bout the options an' talkin’ ‘bout sweet time."
I asked him when it sank in,
That this might really be the real end?
How’s it hit you when you get that kind of news?
Man whatcha do? 

An' he said: "I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'." 

He said "I was finally the husband,
"That most the time I wasn’t.
"An' I became a friend a friend would like to have.
"And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,
"Wasn’t such an imposition,
"And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.
"Well, I finally read the Good Book,
"And I took a good long hard look,
"At what I'd do if I could do it all again,
"And then: 

"I went sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'." 

Like tomorrow was a gift,
And you got eternity,
To think about what you’d do with it.
An' what did you do with it?
An' what can I do with it?
An' what would I do with it? 

"Sky diving, I went rocky mountain climbing,
"I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu.
"And then I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I watched Blue Eagle as it was flyin'."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'." 

This morning at breakfast Josh and I were talking some more about my time left and how it is completely up in the air how long I will be here. Only the Lord knows the answer but we decided that we were going to live like it is my last three years here on this earth. We want to live with no regrets and make sure that it is the best last three years we have or the best memories of our long healthy lives. Of course I hope for the latter and I will continue to pray and have faith that the second will come true but just in case...I want to live like I am dying.


I want to make sure that I say I love you more. I want to make my bucket list and start working on it. I think everyone should have a bucket list and as this song says...we should all live like we are dying. It would not hurt the world to mend their relationships and forgive as this song says. It would not hurt the world to love deeper and really think about what they are going to do with their 86,400 seconds each day. There are a few things that I want to do with my life and so I am going to start my bucket list right now and add to it throughout the week. I am going to start living like it is my last day...we never know when the last goodbye or last I love you is so take every opportunity!


1. California trip - Sea World, Disneyland, Beach and lots of pictures
2. Washington DC - it has been my dream since six grade to go to Washington DC
3. Buy my very own puppy and raise it- I already know I want a golden or a lab
4. I want the whole Schlappi family to go to Lake Powell for a week and I want to ride the tubes with all my cousins
5. I want to go snowmobiling 
6. Fishing...I actually just want to go stay at the barn for two weeks and then I can accomplish number 7.
7. Adopt a horse for a week and call it mine. I want to go running in the lake with the perfect sunset
8. Marry my best friend...check!
9. Have picnics  and barbeque's up in the Utah canyons
10. Have a week with my girls... Becca Shauni Becky...you better be there. I want to go to New York and it may be before 10202020 but I want to go and dance in the park!
11. Sleep under the stars
12. I really just want to be with my family all the time.
13. Another cruise down the Caribbean
14. Go on another Run


This is what I want to do before I have to go. Hopefully I have 80 years to complete this but if not, Come What May and Love it. 


Tara B

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

learning

Lately I have been learning that some mistakes, you only need to make once. Earlier this week, I put too much vanilla in the pancakes, then forgot salt the next time...now I think my pancakes are pretty good. It only took me a few mistakes to perfect my whole wheat pancakes. So I mastered pancakes and then went onto German Pancakes...which I have made a dozen times. I thought I had the recipie memorized...I thought wrong. There is a big difference between 1/2 cup of butter and 1/4 cup of butter. 35 minutes after the mistake was made I had a serious learning experience. I have found that I really learn best by making mistakes. This is why I think it is okay to make mistakes. I can promise that I will never mess that butter up again. There is now no confusion on the difference of 1/2 and 1/4 cup of butter! Mistakes always clarify things for me and usually make me realize how good the good is. How nice it is when we do follow the rules and put the right amount of salt and that kind of thing. I have just been thinking a lot about all my mistakes and this is my current ponder. My Dad always taught me that I have only lost if I have not learned anything. I want to always learn somthing. My pancakes will never be a complete mess if I can learn something and better the next batch...they are just half a mess!

Be less hard on yourself, it is okay to make mistakes! Just learn from them and let them help you become a better person. Whether your mistakes be with cooking or relationships, make sure you learn.

Wow I sound preachy...sorry.

Have a marvelous night and know that Tara Bodrero is happy tonight. Tonight all is well and my heart is happy...tonight I believe more than ever that I can be healed.

Dream of Shamu and dolphins tongiht...they never fail to bring good dreams!

Tara B.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dr. Scan today

Today we went to a different type of Doctor and learned a lot of new things.
1. I am not a crazy tired person who wants to sleep all the time, my body is actually tired and wants to sleep
2. My irritability is real and the doctor can prove it. My chemicals in my brain are a little out of whack as you may imagine
3. My chemicals that induce depression are high...good thing I have Joshua as a permanent anti-depressant so I won't be needing anything there!
4. My digestive system is struggling...I could have told you that...
5. My body is doing well for what it has undertaken so far and the doctor was impressed.
6. I have parasites that are not really harming my body...just there...no worries.
7. I have a nerve problem in my left arm that can be fixed...my arm is just killing...josh is rubbing it as I type with one hand...told you he was awesome!
7. There were more cool things said but I actually fell asleep during the doctors visit...imagine that!


Good news...my nails are growing like crazy and many medical friends have told me that it is a good sign that my body is still doing well...my nails are growing well and my hair is coming in so I am one happy camper...

I pretty much feel like I am going to be on a 14 month period...it is going to be one crazy roller-coaster for Joshua!

Wish us all the best and happy October...does anyone know what I could do that would be cool for Halloween? I need ideas please. Hopefully this is my only Halloween bald but I need good ideas. I do have the capability of sticking suction cups to my head...I can stick the dart things out of Brigham's gun on my head...any ideas there? Just need something cheap and interesting...epic and unforgettable!


Love,
Hormonal Tara

Sunday, October 10, 2010

October good days

The good days for October are here!!  Tara started feeling better Friday.  I love it when the round of chemo is done for the month.  Only 10 more treatments left.  (that translates to ten months....)  At least we can count them on our hands!  She had a fun weekend; but I'm saving that post for her.  My mother's heart is happy when she feels better.  She says her throat is dry and sore, and she got that "sickness" from me; but I think it's a side effect of Avastin.  I think she's ON the drug.

I now own FOUR different curry pastes!  I found an Asian marketplace Friday afternoon. I took a very fun field trip with a friend to this marketplace.  I may actually make my OWN curry this week!  (sorry, that computer again - I need to figure out which key I'm hitting!)


I love Skype.  I so miss Rachel and her facial expressions - but she can still make us laugh via Skype. We're still trying to get used to only 3 around the dinner table.....3 people here for fall break....3 people putting in our winter grass - but Ryan was nice and showed up for a few hours so we had FOUR.  It's hard to play ROOK with three also..... guess it's time to invite the married kids over!


Love you all!


Thanks for those continuous prayers and love - that's why we're smiling right now and that's how we get carried through the hard times.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Scorpians and Shamu

Okay so yesterday was a more serious post, today is a less serious post. I of course consider it just as serious. Scorpians = from the devil and the ugliest creatures on earth. I have never killed, nor will I ever, a scorpian. Why? cause I just can't get myself close enough to killing them. They freak me out and if you know me well enough you have seen me jump 15 feet in the air or climb on the kitchen table when one is around. I spotted four in our house the other day! Really!!! Four, I about had a heart attack! They were big buggers and josh killed them all for me and even picked them up! Man what a stud! That was part of the deal when we got married. He promised to kill all scorpians...picking them up was not part of the deal but I am glad he does! So today at work I got a package from Staples...finally...a day late! It had my much needed ten key so I could imput the million numbers I needed to imput into the software. I set up my ten key and was half way through lunch when a little white friend ran across my desk. I screamed. Yes, in a professional office, I screamed and ran out of that room. There was a white scorpian now underneath my keyboard and there is no way I was going back into that room until it was dead and gone. My dad is in Chicago this week and Josh is half way across town and the thought of actually killing it myself did not even cross my mind so I went and got Carol. She took care of business. She took off her shoe and killed that scorpian in one whack! She too picked it up!!!!!! I am in awe of all these people who just pick up the scorpians and are willing to just kill them for me. You scorpian killers out there, you are my heros! I guess it is just weird to me because all growing up I used to wait for hours for someone to get home and kill the scorpian and that someone was always my mom and she tried over and over to get me to kill it...I of course was too stubborn and she ended up killing them after much pleading and maybe a few tears. She would never pick them up though...it was as if she was trying to teach me a lesson or something!!! :) Anyway, the bottom line is that I entirely loathe scorpians. Ah, I can still remember sitting on the table watching to scorpian move about a year ago...Nathan was the first home that day and he killed it for me...what a stud!

On to a happier note. I must confess that  I LOVE SHAMU. I have loved Shamu since I had a dream about him two months ago. I don't know what got into me but since then I have watched about every shamu youtube video and my background is Shamu. I have saved pictures on my computers and it is sad to admit but I have even listened to Orca Whale crys. I was saddened this morning when I heard that 3 Shamu's have died in the past four months! I was extrememly sad because they died but also becuase I am afriad they are not going to keep the Shamu's at Sea World anymore. The animal rights people are furious but they better not take the Shamu's back to the wild before I get my chance to go see the Shamu show...and the dolphins of course!

I know that this is completely random but it makes me happy and I promised I was back to blogging so here I am keeping my promise...now I have to go fullfill another promise of scripture study for 90 days!

Sweet dreams everyone, dream of Shamu tonight!

Tara Lynn

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It's been too long...

Yes I know it has been a really long time. I went into hiding but I think I am ready to come out. I have not been feeling well lately and it is just hard for me to write when I feel so blue and odd. But I am back, no matter how I feel, I need this blog to keep me going so I promise to be a better blogger...(even if it is just for me). I am still happy and fine, I just feel different. I feel like something is wrong and I don't know what it is...maybe it is that I am not expressing my feelings anymore as I used to on this blog. This is the picture that we took with Elder Cook after the blessing. We were all so happy, Nate just doesn't show his happiness well! I did something I should not have done yesterday. Yesterday my friend wanted to know the name and type of my tumor and I didn't know how to spell it so I goggled it. My curiosity got the best of me and I did more than just goggle the spelling. I found out what the internet had to say about my tumor. I got way to interested and then typed in. "worst brain cancer" I really wasn't surprised when I found that my tumor/cancer is classified as the worst. Yep it takes the number one spot for primary brain tumors. I knew that, I have been told and I have also been told that the statistics are not in my favor but it is another thing to read it. I had previously just chosen not to Google it or get interested and that is how I will now lead my life. Reading that few survive longer than three years and longer than five years is a miracle can be hard to read. The best part about this whole thing is that as soon as I read that more than five years surviving was a miracle I remembered that I was already a miracle and that the Lord could perform another and would if we put our faith in him. So what if most don't live more than three years...we have already learned that I am not like most people and that I am special. This I still believe strongly. I will live as long as God wants me to and I tell myself over and over that God will take me when he needs me and obviously he does not need me how right now so he must need me somewhere else. That somewhere is here so I better do something good with what I have. The knowledge of the gospel gives me so much happiness and peace. People have often asked me how I do it. They ask me how I can keep a smile through these hard times and how I can stay the way I am. For me, the answer is simple. I know who I am, where I came from, and most importantly, where I am going. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that he wants me to be happy. He has already blessed me so much and I know that he will never leave me comfortless. I can do what I do because of my Heavenly Father. In case you are reading this and are unware, I am a LDS, a Mormon, whatever. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know that my faith in God and my religion has and will continue to help me. If any of you out there would like to know more about what has helped shape and mold me to become the me I am today I will attach a link at the bottom of this post. For all of those others out there who are not a member of my faith please keep praying. I know that faith can bring miracles and a miracle we need.

Christ makes everything possible and easier. If we come to him, he will never let us down. He knows the plan and we need to trust that he is in control.

I want to do good with my time on this earth. I know that I may not live in the same state and my hours are a little crazy but if anyone ever needs anything that I can help them with, please let me know. I am happiest when I am serving because it makes it easier to forget my own problems. Please let me know if I can help, you have all served me so much.

Here's the link I promise that great happiness and joy can be found on this website. mormon.org and lds.org
If you ever have questions or want to know more, just let me know and I can find answers.

I am glad to be back and thankful for everyone who is still following my blog. It means the world to me.

Tara Bodrero

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tomorrow's a new day

Becky again.... so sorry I know you all miss Tara!  I'm not a great substitute but I know you all want news - hopefully Tara will feel like posting soon.

I wish chemo did not involve sickness.  I was sick a few days this week; and I thought of Tara - mine is just a common cold and after 2 days I'm already feeling so much better.  Tara has to feel tired and weak EVERY month just because of medicine!  My mother's heart hurts.  I wish I could take all the sickness away.  Even the thought of Thai food didn't get a positive response tonight from Tara.  Not a good sign.  She is still so amazing and is our strength.  Somehow she still keeps on going - going to work, functioning in her life.  She really is normal some of the weeks in the month - this is just a hard day; a hard last few days.  She doesn't complain or wish it were different.  In her talk in the new Northpoint Ward last month; Tara actually said she was "grateful" for her brain tumor because of what she has learned from this experience.  I'm not there yet.  I've learned alot and felt the Lord's hand and His love in our lives; but I honestly don't think I can say I'm to the "grateful" point yet.  I recognize that many miracles have happened along our brain tumor path and we've had some wonderful outpourings of the Spirit that we may not have had otherwise.  I could say that I'm grateful for those moments; but I'm still not sure I'm grateful for this brain tumor.  My grown daughter is in bed by 8:00 pm - that's weird and not a very good sign.  The good thing about her early bedtime tonight is that tonight she doesn't have to take a chemo pill!! She is done for the month!  Tomorrow we start the road back to feeling good for the month October... I must look on the bright side.  She's up to 350 milligrams of Temodar, by the way.  In the summer she was on 130 milligrams; but she had radiation to deal with at the same time so the dosage was lower.

3 treatments completed!!!  That's a good thing.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Round 3

This is Becky.  I keep waiting for Tara to post; but she's becoming a busy girl; so I'll do it this time.  Maybe she's not posting because she's kindof felt yucky since Saturday.  We did have 2 pretty good weeks in a row; so to start feeling yucky again when she's not even taking Temodar is weird.  Maybe these drugs have delayed effects.  She's always got some possible Avastin (clinical trial) in her; but we just don't know why she doesn't feel good.  It is possible she just has a touch of the flu bug that has been going around.  It's a weird place to be in - if Tara ever feels sick; you blame it on the drugs - but we must consider people can just get sick without chemo in their lives.  She was itchy today and I spoke with Terri and Terri said that is one of the side effects of Avastin.  So, possibly Tara is on the Avastin; but we just won't know.  It's so strange to hope Tara does well enough with the Temodar so the docs can give her MORE milligrams of Temodar which will likely make her more sick; but I want the higher milligrams on the other hand because I want to fight this as hard as we can.  It's not really a great spot to be in; hoping your daughter can have stronger meds; but hating it at the same time.  Definitely a Catch 22.  Tara doesn't feel horrible and she still goes to work and functions; but she's just kindof not herself.  BUT, for about 2 weeks she felt really good!  So, we will hope for that again this coming month.  We are just grateful that radiation is over - at least she's not tired and sick both!  That radiation was really tough.

So, we start Round 3 tomorrow.  Dr. Shapiro will most likely increase the dosage of Temodar to somewhere in the 300 milligram range.  If Tara does okay this month; she will continue on that dosage for the rest of the 11 months.

I have heard from some friend in the Northpoint Ward that every single prayer that is said for any reason at all includes Tara in the prayer - not just a prayer of comfort or peace, but a miracle of healing is prayed for.  Thanks to new Bishop Kindt and his ward which is full of people who don't even know Tara.  This will continue through this weekend.  Thank you all so much and all you other people who still keep praying and praying.  I know I feel your prayers, and I'm sure Tara would say the same thing.  I am so touched by so many.

Tara is now the choir director for the Estate Groves Ward and I'm the choir pianist.  I hope she has fun bossing me around!  I guess it's payback time for all the hours in her life I told her "what to do" as she practiced the piano.  Seriously, it will be a great experience for her - I know (oops italic again) the Estate Groves Ward choir members will love Tara.  She is very musically talented and this will be fun. 


On a positive note, Tara and I have enjoyed exploring some new Thai restaurants.  I have decided that at my "older" age (ha ha) I can now spoil my kids whenever I feel like it.  After years of being practical, it's okay to let loose a little.  So, after clinical trial days or doctor days, Tara and I will try to find a Thai restaurant and Tara LOVES it!  It's pretty healthy and we always order brown rice. I also enjoy spoiling Brigham.  Ryan wasn't exactly thrilled with me when I bought Brigham treats on two different occasions at a game and a play!  That's a grandma's privilege.  He remembered how I "never" did it for him growing up and now Brig will "want" treats all the time.  No worries, I'm just the grandma and the parents have to deal with those other issues.


Cherish your days - grab those moments when you can!  We WILL get through this - only 5 days a month, 5 days a month (we keep telling ourselves that).  

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Elder Cook

On Friday night I had the privelege to sit down with Elder Cook. My family along with Josh's family joined us. I was going to be receiving a blessing from an Apostle. My heart had been going crazy since the moment I knew I was going to get to meet him. I had no idea I would be receiving a blessing. Elder Cook put my name in the Salt Lake temple a few months ago when we first found out about my cancer. He was the one who prayed for me when the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve met in the temple on a Thursday in May.  (the night of my bridal shower). Every Thursday they meet in the temple for a meeting and have a prayer. President Monson goes through the names that are brought to the temple and then one of the members prays for those names along with other things. I felt honored to have my name in the pile that was prayed for. I wanted to know more about what happened that day so we arranged for me to meet him. Of course, the whole family came! I would not have missed it either. Travis and Chol considered driving down for the experience. This was a once in a lifetime experience. Elder Cook was so kind and full with the spirit. He told our family about the experience and then told us of another member of the Seventy who had struggled with a brain tumor as I am. He was very loving and shared many special things with us. He did lay his hands upon my head and give me a blessing. The things he said and shared are things I want to remain close to my heart but I will share the feeling of overwhelming love from the Savior. The blessing made me want to multiply my faith and well-doing. It gave me yet another confirmation that God does hear our prayers and God will answer our prayers. He does love us and he does want us to be happy. Satan is the only one who desires for us to be miserable. Christ loves laughter and learning. I know without a doubt that Elder Cook is called of God and that he is a mouthpiece for the Lord. I know that God does love me and my family. Friday night was a night I will never forget. I wish their hands could have stayed on my head forever. Yes, the priesthood is the same and I have had other blessings but this one was extra special and will remain vivid in my memory forever.