Wednesday, October 16, 2013


Becky here....

Just had to share some of my joy as well.... Tara's last post was tough for me.  A few weeks ago she spoke at the ASU institute and she chided me on my "faith" and told me my faith cannot be based on how long she lives and that she might not live as long as I want her to.  I don't like the fact that those thoughts run around in my precious daughter's head.  So, I changed my wording to more appropriately reflect "hope" - really I believe my faith is rooted in Christ, no matter what happens.  BUT, that doesn't mean that I cannot HOPE and PRAY every single day that my daughter's life is spared. (which I DO).  But, on to happier thoughts.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I'm not dreaming.  I tear up regularly when I look at Tara's large stomach.  It's unbelievable to me.  Awhile ago I was privileged to accompany Tara to an ultrasound.  It was such a surreal feeling to be looking at pictures of 4 chambers of a heart with a little tiny heartbeat going strong, a spine with NO defects or breaks in it (which they are watching because of the seizure meds) AND a little tiny face with Josh's lips!!  Unbelievable how the 3D images are so much clearer than the old ultrasounds.  I teared up 3 times during the ultrasound and I just can't get enough of watching this whole pregnancy unfold.  I have to admit it was a little strange to be looking at an ultrasound instead of an MRI of the brain.  Much nicer!  Speaking of which; the doctor asked us if we were going to see Shapiro - we have taken a 6 month break from scans and it's been pretty nice.  We entered the pregnancy world and are trying to forget about the brain tumor world.  I felt the baby kick a few days ago.  happy happy times!

Another blessing has happened as well - Rachel is pregnant also!  I never dreamed the girls would both be pregnant at the same time.  Actually, I dreamed about it; but just didn't ever think it would be a reality.  I cried about the fact that they probably wouldn't have babies together more than I dreamed about it happening.  Rachel and Tara have flipped roles - it is SOOO weird!  Everyone asks me how Tara is doing with her pregnancy - and my reply is this, "she's doing soo much better than Rachel!"  Tara eats and is hungry all the time.  It's completely amazing after years of having not much of an appetite to watch her enjoy eating again.  She's putting on weight and looking like a normal pregnant woman.  (she has to post pictures, she won't let me:)  On the other hand, Rachel has always LOVED food and could outeat most of us; but now she picks at her food and has nausea way too often. She's 20 weeks + and has lost 9 pounds and doesn't look at bit pregnant.  It's sad.  We spent the weekend with she and Nathan last weekend for the spectacular Albuquerque balloon fiesta, and it was hard for me to leave knowing I can't really cook for her or help her through this at all.  I did try to make up for lost time while I was there and fill her fridge and make a few meals; but that will be gone soon.  Oh, the joys of pregnancy!  Thankfully she has a very attentive and empathetic husband who also COOKS!

And, we are still enjoying our Tuesdays and Tara is really starting to act more and more normal and is starting to get as hooked on quilting as I am:)  She's in nesting and project mode.  Yesterday our Tuesday was spent looking at her very cute little apartment.  She is really getting ready for the baby and it's so fun to see.  The little blessing dress she wore is displayed and the bassinet is in the bedroom. the rocker is ready and waiting.  She's planning and preparing and LIVING LIFE.  Then on to the granite stores to weigh in on Steph's countertop decision:)  Tuesdays are like my weekend:) I look forward to them so much - Tara, and often, Stephanie and Katelyn come over.  It's the BEST.  I prefer these kind of Tuesdays to the Tuesdays at St. Joe's; although Dr. Smith is truly a wonderful man, I don't miss the necessity of our past Tuesday dates.  And we are on to a baby shower soon as well!  So much fun!!!

Enough said.... on to preparing for Christmas because that has to be done EARLY this year; which isn't usually the case for me:)  Thanks sooo much for all your love and prayers!  You people are all the best!  I have people regularly tell me they still pray for Tara every day - well, she's here and we are sooo very thankful for your prayers!!! They lift us up.

Friday, October 4, 2013

“You know, I really did not think I was going to make it this long”
“I did not either”
“I thought I would be gone within three years for sure”
“Me too”
“Then why did you marry me…forever?”
“Because knowing I would have some time as your husband is better than no time.”

Last week we went to a friend’s and this was part of our conversation while we danced. I cannot get it out of my head. I honestly thought I would be lucky to make it through treatment and now today, I sit here 30 weeks pregnant with a baby they told me I would never have. I am overcome with awe when I look at my life. I think of all the things I have done, and I am so glad I was wrong about my timeline. I am overcome with the love my husband had and has for me and am grateful for the love we already have for our baby girl.

While dancing in Josh’s arms I had a flash back to all the initial fear of not having forever with him and not having long in this life with my family.  

There have been many times the past 30 weeks (I blame the hormones) that I have cried out of pure joy and unbelief. I cannot believe that this is my life…I am so happy. Josh asks if I am okay then smiles when I tell him, “I am just so happy”. I love being so happy. I love being loved, I love being alive, I love our friends and families, and I love our future family. I cannot believe this is my life!

I am alive
I am pregnant
I am in love
I am happy

--never thought I would have all this
--I don’t need anything more

-Tara & Adelyn Mae