Friday, October 19, 2012

Breathe again!

This is Becky.

I have to apologize for venting a few days ago!  Thanks all for being sooo supportive!  The prayers for peace did indeed settle my nerves and Tara and I were able to enjoy our day together.  Dr. Shapiro said, "I think you're fine," which is about as "wordy" as he gets.  Scott, Tara, and myself all get huge smiles and just BREATHE again after those words.  He has no idea what a relief it is when he says that.  We never really know what we're looking at when we're looking at the MRI's, once in awhile he'll say "this is the last MRI, this is the current one" so we try to figure out what is going on in those pictures.  Apparently there is a new machine because the images seemed more clear this time; which is good and bad - easier to see a problem from untrained eyes like ours; which may cause undue panic if we don't know what is wrong and what is right!  He did say the "white stuff" (which always bugs me and I wonder what it is) was just water and not to worry.

Tara and I started our day by visiting Mandy Miller Clive, who isn't doing so well and happened to be at the same hospital we were going to; so we left early, and it was great to see her and her mom. Then, Tara was actually hungry, guzzled a half sandwich (I LOVE it when she actually enjoys eating) and then off to the MRI machine.  She again slept through the test (that's usual for her) and we talked with another brain tumor patient, then off to Jamba Juice to party until the reading of the results.  We were able to take our mind off the reading somewhat.  Backgammon helps as well! :)

The best thing about the "I think you're fine" by Dr. Shapiro is watching Tara as she leaves the office and heads towards the car.  She has the most beautiful, relieved, look on her face and she practically skips to the car.  I love that look on her face and want to see it there forever!

Love you all!  Here's to LIVING!  Enjoy each moment, each day - I know I keep saying that, but we've lived what it's like to worry about the days you have; and so the healthy days are just so sweet!  Today I'm taking my grandson to the zoo; which means I will also get to hang out with Stephanie and sweet little Katelyn which will make my day!!  Thanks sooo much for your prayers!  We always seem to need them and feel their strengthening power in our lives.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Why I am sad tonight? Is it because Tara admitted to being scared on her eve of the routine MRI?  Is it because her legs are hurting for no explained reason?  I don't know. It's always a nerve wracking routine; this "routine" MRI every 2 months.  I should be fine.  Tara has been feeling pretty good (until the weird leg thing started this week, which will likely go away). Is it because my friend's husband is tired and sick every day lately suffering from treatment due to a brain tumor? Usually the night before I am pretty happy knowing that I usually get to spend several hours with Tara the next day.  We are going to leave early, go to Last Chance, Zupas for lunch, then visit a friend in the hospital at St. Joe's; then on to the MRI and Dr. Shapiro.  I will snap out of it in the morning.  Maybe I am just tired. Is it ok to be tired of the constant knowledge of forever MRI's?  We have an MRI, then move on and live life again - that's the good part. After an MRI, we can usually BREATHE.  Oh, how nice that is.  So, tomorrow we will breathe again.  But, until then, my precious daughter is scared and not too excited for her MRI.  I don't like her being scared.  I'm just having one of those "life isn't fair" moments.  This too, will pass.  I will reflect on all our blessings and remember all those people who suffer so much more than we do or have.  So, I've had my cry sessions already today and I will pick myself up, move on, and enjoy time with Tara tomorrow.  I will remember to enjoy the moments that make up the hours.  I will enjoy looking at her cute pixie face with those beautiful brown eyes.  I will try to forget the words brain tumor or glioblastoma.  Will they always be indelibly printed on my mind?  I spoke with a few people this week who reaffirmed to me that every single day they still pray for Tara, 2 1/2 years later, every SINGLE day they are praying.  Praying like we are that she will LIVE a full life here and be free of this tumor forever.  She's already a walking miracle; those were her words themselves - just want it to STAY that way.

Thanks for letting me vent; just had to whine a little.  I will be fine now.  I will pray for peace and it will come.....