Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's gone and I guess I feel better

It was really hard for me to cut it..I guess it was harder to actually make the decision to cut it but I knew the decision was coming and I really could not stand the chunks of hair that were falling out of my head. Every time a chunck fell out it was if I had to relive the fact that it was going to fall out. I had hair itching my arms all the time and when I went into a room with a fan on, my hair just started falling out like crazy. I could not touch my hair and wanted to have hair so bad on Sunday (I had to stand up in front of everyone and speak) so I threw it in a bun and left it that way from Friday until Sunday. I think I lost most of it in the shower before church and I knew the end was coming soon. I did not want it to come but I knew it was coming. Now I sit here with hair shorter than Josh and a visible scar. Nothing is super comfortable except for thin scarves and loose hats. We tried wigs but I just didn't feel right wearing one and my head is still too sensitive. For now we are just doing hats and scarves or my personal favorite...nothing. That really is what feels the best and I am getting used to being bald. I don't wear a hat all the time at the office or at home but when I go outside I usually put something on. Cutting it was quite the experince as you may see from the pictures Chol put on and I am so glad it happened the way it did. At first I just wanted Josh to do it and that was the plan but the whole family was over and it turned into family night pretty much. At first I thought Chol and Josh would cut all the banded pieces but then I knew I wanted everyone to try so I asked them all to cut off a piece and then halfway through I decided that we needed a picture with all of us and our locks of hair. Ya, Trav we made sure and cut you a piece too. Ryan and Dad did not want to cut but I just had to look at them and tell them I wanted them to cut a piece and then they did it. They really will do just about anything for me. It is amazing how excited I am to see Ryan all the time. We did not always get along the greatest...every sibling fights...but now I have this happy feeling in my heart every time I see their white car in front of our house. It means that Steph is over and Ryan will probably be by after work. I was so glad that Steph, Brig and Ryan were there on Sunday evening. Steph's sister had her baby yesterday so they were busy at the hospital and Steph decided to have pizza with us on Monday becuase she had not made dinner! Today has been a better day than yesterday. I had to take a three hour nap at work yesterday and was tired from the moment I stepped out of radiation. Today has not been as bad but I did fall asleep during lunch when Dad was trying to teach me important information about the business! Tomorrow is my three week mark of radiation and after tomorrow we are on the downhill slope for radiation treatment and one day closer to the family reunion! I can do this...well, really I have no option...I can do this and I will be strong. This next week should be the hardest week but I am making it up those stairs everyday...I never take the elevator. Twas pretty tempting today though.

Josh and I's family night lesson last night was about how we should never let anything keep us from going outside in the world. Pretty much it was a talk to myself saying not to hide indoors just because my head looks a little funny or because my rash is still acting up sometimes. We just need to go out and bless the world with our smiles no matter what is going on. There are people in much worse situations than ours and we have no idea who is hurting. I just have to be tough and realize that if people stare it is only out of curiosity. I had a few people looking at me at Target but hey...if I saw a girl with a shaved head and an interesting scar with random bald spots I would probably look at her and wonder what was up too! I can't expect people to just pass me on as if nothing is wrong. It is okay to look and wonder...I am 100% sure I would do the same.

Well, the hair still falls but now they are little short hairs that don't quite bug me at all.

Goal for this week...don't complain about hair

Reason for not complaining...do I need one? No. But good thoughts include the fact that they think it will grow back...not everyone has that luxury...my head is not disformed from surgery...I have a new cute white hat that does not irritate my head...it doesn't take long to dry my hair after a shower...I can save money on shampoo and conditioner... I can put my oils and lotion on my head...you can see my cool scar now...me and Brig look the same...people love me all the same and don't really care how long my hair is...I can still be beautiful.

Love your hair

Tara Bodrero

Happy Birthday Shauni
Love you girl!


Mandy&Dave said...

Tara, you are as beautiful as ever!!! Did you ever see Natalie Portman when she had her head shaved? She looked gorgeous, and for awhile I wondered if it might come into style! You look every bit as beautiful as she did....probably more!

You are the same wonderful Tara you have always been!! We are praying for miracles and angels to follow you every day.

Mandy Clive

elizabeth cullimore said...

OH MY GOODNESS! You look so good! Look at your face- and that bone structure! It's very edgy fashion model-ish. I love it. I know it took a lot of courage to just go for it. You really are so amazing, Tara.
p.s. I am so going to miss being your v.t.

Barbara said...

I love how you write from your heart.

Elizabeth Marie said...

Tara I don't know you, but I think you are GORGEOUS with no hair. I just had to tell you. You are beautiful.