Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Back from the reunion

I did not like leaving the reunion. It about broke my heart Saturday night when I realized that it was the last night for two years that my whole family would be together...I hate this every other year for reunion business. I just wish I could surround myself with my family all the time. They mean so much to me. I absolutely lost it when the song was played called empty chairs. I don't want to be an empty chair. I don't want to be the one who isn't there. I love being here so much. I just looked at every single person there and realized how much I loved them. I just sat there and watched them dance and looked at each and every person and realized how much I love them. Young, old...all of them. I love them. So maybe I was crying a bit that night so Josh suggested that I look at Rylee...surely her silly dancing would make me laugh. Make me laugh it sure did but more than that...it made me realize how much I love her and her attitude and willingness to just be herself. This is when I started looking at everyone and I was overcome with so much love. I felt overwhelming love from each person there and if I had to make a bucket list for before I die I know without a doubt that seeing every single member of my family would be on there. I also know without a doubt that each member of my family would go out of their way to see me...why? Because that's what family does. I know I would do it for any one of my family members and I am so lucky to know that they would do that for me. They dropped everything in four days notice to be at my wedding. My aunt came straight from Lake Powell when she heard the news.  I strongly believe that there is nothing stronger than a good family and I am so lucky to have an amazing family. I love you my family and I will always love you. No matter what...I will never be an empty chair...I will be here

This weekend gave me more motivation to keep going. I am not going to lie I have had the thoughts of giving up. I am just so tired and weak. I can't eat and my body is shutting down. Today at radiation the nurses were saying that they had a lot of "no shows". I asked with shock to make sure I heard it right. Yes people do just not show up to their appointments. The more I thought about it the more I understood. What about those people without a support group? What about those people who don't have a happy mother knocking at their door in the morning to take them to radiation and feed them no matter how many things she has to pack (she packs like 4 lunches and then I chose one...I never know what I am going to feel like at lunch). How many people have a Josh who carries them up the stairs and kisses their bald heads and constantly reminds them that they are beautiful. How many people don't have people who read and comment and lift them through a simple blog? There are people I don't even know that are reading this and every now and then one will pop up and say...you don't know me but I have been reading your blog...and then they go on to say something that may not seem like it means a lot to others...but trust me...it means the world. I keep going everyday because I know I don't have a choice. I have not given myself the choice to give up. I knew this road would be hard...in fact I did not know it would be this easy. I knew there would be hard days and I knew I would get tired...I just didn't know how far love could carry me and lift my burden. I will never take the road of giving up. My parents and ancestors taught me that long ago. I will never give up and never back down from what I know is right. That may means different things at different times but right now it means that I will keep going and I will keep going with a smile. I will never give up and I knew the second I found out that I had a brain tumor that I was young and I would fight and beat this...now it is I am young and I, along with all who love me, will fight this.

I have 7 more treatments left. Treatments and days are very different to me now. 7 more treatments means I am done Thursday, August 5th at 9 AM. 7 more treatments until I am done with radiation and ready to tackle the rest of the treatments. It is about 10 days away but saying 7 just sounds better so we could treatments...not days.  I can make it to Thursday and I know by the time Thursday rolls around I will find a way to make it to the next Thursday. To Thursday and beyond!!!

I don't want to be an empty chair...I will never be an empty chair

I am starving and I need food...but I am strong and will stay that way. I will not lose more weight! That's my goal for this week! :)

Goodnight blog readers
Sleep well tonight and remember who is watching over you...he is watching me too.




Anonymous said...

Tara, You don't know me, but you are in my prayers daily. I read your blog daily. You are amazing and you will "never be an empty chair." I admire your husband and family for taking such good care of you. God will take care of you. Linda Long Beach, CA

Mary Neilson said...

Tara, Again, another person that you do not know but yet my heart has been so touched by you and your strength. I too have heard that song. However, I have 2 empty chairs at my table but yet, I long for the sweet reunion. I know that you are a very strong kindred spirit and every time I struggle I am reminded of the scripture where Christ says to Joseph Smith and to all of us "peace be unto thy soul, thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment...The son of man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way...for God shall be with you forever and ever." Sometimes life is hard but what a joyous peace we have been given by one who knows all. With much love, Sister Mary Neilson, Bountiful, Utah

Heidi said...

Oh, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but your strength is amazing. Thank goodness for your family and for your incredible husband to help you get through this.

Maybe you need to come to taco night again so you can eat! (Or we could bring some taco night to you :-)

Makay said...

you are such an inspiration.

Do not ever give up... God makes everything glorious- and he made you- what does that make you!? GLORIOUS! and soon to be VICTORIOUS.

Go kick this thing's butt.



Anonymous said...

Hello there! I was given the link to your blog from another bloggy friend and I'm am so glad that I found you. I am 16 years old and am currently fighting leukemia. I started chemotherapy yesterday.

I haven't had chance to read much of your blog yet, but I am now a follower. :)

I just wanted to say NEVER give up! I know the feeling of being tired and weak all too well. I think you are really brave and you are truly an inspiration.
I know I can fight my cancer and I know you can too :)
I would love to hear from you and will be visiting your blog often. You can visit me at www.emilyscancerdiary.blogspot.com or email me at emilyb121@hotmail.co.uk
If you have the time then I would love to hear from a fellow fighter.
God Bless you
Emily x

Sarah Beck said...

Tara you are such an inspiration!!!! You are so amazing and so unbelievably strong. I wish I was in Arizona so I could bring you dinners and help out somehow. You are in my prayers daily and I have often felt comfort in knowing our Heavenly Father is constantly with you. Keep that Happy Schlappi smile on your face! Love you!

Sincerely, Raynie said...

Wow...once more another stranger here that has never met you in person, but definantly knows you and your testimony through this blog. You are a strong person, and you do have a GREAT support system that loves you and would do anything for you. Just know we all pray for you and are also their to support you to fight this battle!

Much love,

Raynie Hawes

christy said...

I am truly humbled by so many thoughtful messages that have been written to you Tara by so many followers who love you and are inspired by your thoughts and feelings (and your families thoughts too.) You are so loved. :o) We know that Heavenly Father is there for each one of us, because of what we have felt from your testimony and love for HIM. -Just a few more days now Tara!!! YOU DID IT!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! (123) :o)

A Love Worth Waiting For.... said...

Tara- As a 23 year old and a two time cancer survivor I just wanted you to know that I was praying for you!! Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have! lyndsiebrooker@hotmail.com. You can visit my blog to find out more about my journey with cancer! www.danielandlyndsie.blogspot.com.

Anonymous said...

Tara, I am saying a prayer for you. Your bravery and faith are very encouraging! I am so happy you had such a good time with your family - that is so important! Be blessed!

There and back again...and again... said...


I am not sure if we have met. We lived in your Stake in Mesa for several years and my daughter went to Mt. View with your brother AND I went to school with your parents in Orem...

I wanted you to know that I have also been following your blog and praying daily for you.
Cancer has also touched my family.

The Lord loves you and is mindful of your every desire. He is definitely using you as a tool to help others in ways you won't realize in this lifetime. Your positive attitude and outlook is helping many in their own struggles. Keep it up. =) We are all being blessed because of you.

Terra Campbell Anderson

Tiffany said...

Tara I technically dont know you in person but I feel as though I know your spirit and have been following your blog for awhile now. I love the hope, determination and the struggles you share with us. Your testimony is threaded through every line you write.I so appreciate your willingness to not be ashamed of it and your thoughts on our Heavenly Fathers constant care for you and the rest of us

Kenzi Schlappi said...

Tara I love you so much. It was the best family reunion ever. Josh is so sweet and we are very lucky to have him in the family! Keep going only 7 left! You will never be an empty chair. Love you!

Natalie said...

You are simply incredible. I'm kind of at a loss of words. So that will have to suffice.

r&k skousen said...

Tara, you are awesome!!! Thanks again so much for all your posts. You continue to be such an inspiration to so many people. I feel really lucky to know you. You are forever in our prayers.

Anonymous said...


I read your blog everyday on my lunch break at work. I doubt you'll even remember me but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing all your thoughts. I got the chills today reading about how strong you are and you have honestly inspired me to be stronger in my little trials I go through. You are an amazing person. Thank you for your strength and your strenth through Christ. Thank you for sharing something so hard and personal and helping everyone around you to become better because of it.

You are so loved,