I did not like leaving the reunion. It about broke my heart Saturday night when I realized that it was the last night for two years that my whole family would be together...I hate this every other year for reunion business. I just wish I could surround myself with my family all the time. They mean so much to me. I absolutely lost it when the song was played called empty chairs. I don't want to be an empty chair. I don't want to be the one who isn't there. I love being here so much. I just looked at every single person there and realized how much I loved them. I just sat there and watched them dance and looked at each and every person and realized how much I love them. Young, old...all of them. I love them. So maybe I was crying a bit that night so Josh suggested that I look at Rylee...surely her silly dancing would make me laugh. Make me laugh it sure did but more than that...it made me realize how much I love her and her attitude and willingness to just be herself. This is when I started looking at everyone and I was overcome with so much love. I felt overwhelming love from each person there and if I had to make a bucket list for before I die I know without a doubt that seeing every single member of my family would be on there. I also know without a doubt that each member of my family would go out of their way to see me...why? Because that's what family does. I know I would do it for any one of my family members and I am so lucky to know that they would do that for me. They dropped everything in four days notice to be at my wedding. My aunt came straight from Lake Powell when she heard the news. I strongly believe that there is nothing stronger than a good family and I am so lucky to have an amazing family. I love you my family and I will always love you. No matter what...I will never be an empty chair...I will be here
This weekend gave me more motivation to keep going. I am not going to lie I have had the thoughts of giving up. I am just so tired and weak. I can't eat and my body is shutting down. Today at radiation the nurses were saying that they had a lot of "no shows". I asked with shock to make sure I heard it right. Yes people do just not show up to their appointments. The more I thought about it the more I understood. What about those people without a support group? What about those people who don't have a happy mother knocking at their door in the morning to take them to radiation and feed them no matter how many things she has to pack (she packs like 4 lunches and then I chose one...I never know what I am going to feel like at lunch). How many people have a Josh who carries them up the stairs and kisses their bald heads and constantly reminds them that they are beautiful. How many people don't have people who read and comment and lift them through a simple blog? There are people I don't even know that are reading this and every now and then one will pop up and say...you don't know me but I have been reading your blog...and then they go on to say something that may not seem like it means a lot to others...but trust me...it means the world. I keep going everyday because I know I don't have a choice. I have not given myself the choice to give up. I knew this road would be hard...in fact I did not know it would be this easy. I knew there would be hard days and I knew I would get tired...I just didn't know how far love could carry me and lift my burden. I will never take the road of giving up. My parents and ancestors taught me that long ago. I will never give up and never back down from what I know is right. That may means different things at different times but right now it means that I will keep going and I will keep going with a smile. I will never give up and I knew the second I found out that I had a brain tumor that I was young and I would fight and beat this...now it is I am young and I, along with all who love me, will fight this.
I have 7 more treatments left. Treatments and days are very different to me now. 7 more treatments means I am done Thursday, August 5th at 9 AM. 7 more treatments until I am done with radiation and ready to tackle the rest of the treatments. It is about 10 days away but saying 7 just sounds better so we could treatments...not days. I can make it to Thursday and I know by the time Thursday rolls around I will find a way to make it to the next Thursday. To Thursday and beyond!!!
I don't want to be an empty chair...I will never be an empty chair
I am starving and I need food...but I am strong and will stay that way. I will not lose more weight! That's my goal for this week! :)
Goodnight blog readers
Sleep well tonight and remember who is watching over you...he is watching me too.