Headed to Heber

Today we are headed off to Heber with the Bodrero's. We are rather excited to see the grandparents up north and I get to meet new family. I like having this two families thing. When I got married I doubled the number of people that pretty much have to love me cause we are stuck together as family! See all you other people out there that love me, love my by choice and at any time you can back out because there is no promise that I will see you every year at a family reunion or gathering! :) I have a feeling you love me by choice but still it is great to think that I have a huge family now! I love it. I really just love families so much. It kills me to know how many people (children especially) don't have good families. So many kids don't have a mother or father who pay attention to them and nurture them. I have been thinking about adoption so much this past week. So I never posted anything about this really but we had a huge fertility mess happening right before we were married. When the doctor called to deliver the bad news about my cancer and it's needed treatment and severity he also told us that we needed to start working out fertility issues. As a girl this was harder to hear than to hear that I had a brain tumor. I had a really really rough couple of days. I of course tried to stay positive and I was really happy but there was this gloom that stayed with me for about two days. We found a doctor and we started considering options about my future family. At first they wanted to freeze just my eggs but that never really works and then they wanted to freeze an embryo because Josh and I were to be married and so we legally could. This is when the decisions became so hard but luckily so clear. Only my parents know how much I hated that doctors office. The week I was to be married we were there about a total of 7 hours in 2 days. We were in our chemo and radiation doctors offices as well trying to figure out my treatment and the effects it would have on my family. (I have no idea why I am sharing this now...I had decided not to share it but it just started coming out). The doctors did not really give us any good answers. Radiation said I would be okay because they are radiating my head so it should not effect the eggs and the chemo said that there is a chance I still could have children. Anyway, at that time no one could or would give us any answer and it came time for me to decide what to do. That is what made this whole thing so different from anything else. This was my decision and my decision alone. Yes I was asking my parents and Joshua and taking what they said heavily into account but I realized that it was my decision and what I said went in this case. I never really felt at peace with the whole fertility thing. I felt a lot of hope but I never felt peace. I was really confused. I wondered why I hated going to that specific doctor so much and I really wanted an answer as to what to do. When we were on our way home one of the days I began praying. I realized that I needed to study it out in my and make my decision and then ask. That made it hard as well. I came to the decision that I did not want to do the whole thing. I was really surprised that I had decided that because I was so excited about the chance to have a family and being a mother has been what I have always wanted. I was the little girl who always wrote "mother" on the line when they asked what do you want to be when you grow up.Being a mother is so important to me and a mother I still can be. I will never forget the feeling that I had when I kneeled to pray for my answer. I have sought answers before but in the past month I have sought for many many extremely important answers. I was married for eternity and got to pray about that and I had to make a choice about my future family. I have never felt so much peace in an answer. I have never recieved an answer so quickly either. My prayer was not long and strenuous and I did not feel like I was still looking for an answer or confused at all at any time. I knew as soon as I felt that peace that that was my answer. I felt like I should not go forward with the fertility thing. I stood up and told my dad that I did not want to do it. I am a miracle. The Lord saved me and it is because of Him that I am here. Miracles will never cease and if God wants me to have my own children then He will send me my own children. I know that He can and will if that is what is right but in the past week I have felt so much peace with adoption as well. I know that I can be a mother to someone that does not have a mother. I know that I will be a mother no matter how it happens. I have felt peace since the moment I got my answer and Josh felt the same way. The doctor called the day after I got my answer and wanted to discuss more options and as soon as I heard He wanted to see us again I got a huge knot in my stomach. I told my parents I did not want to go and we ended up not going and they talked to him via phone instead of having me go in there. I don't want to go back until after treatment and until it is right for Josh and I to have children. I feel peace with everything and I cherish this feeling.


I still don't know how this all ended up getting on the blog but I just couldn't stop writing. I think this is enough for the day though. Have a happy 4th and don't burn too bad if you are staying here in the 110 degree weather!

Heber here I come!
Miracles will never cease
Tara Bodrero