Saturday, July 3, 2010

Headed to Heber

Today we are headed off to Heber with the Bodrero's. We are rather excited to see the grandparents up north and I get to meet new family. I like having this two families thing. When I got married I doubled the number of people that pretty much have to love me cause we are stuck together as family! See all you other people out there that love me, love my by choice and at any time you can back out because there is no promise that I will see you every year at a family reunion or gathering! :) I have a feeling you love me by choice but still it is great to think that I have a huge family now! I love it. I really just love families so much. It kills me to know how many people (children especially) don't have good families. So many kids don't have a mother or father who pay attention to them and nurture them. I have been thinking about adoption so much this past week. So I never posted anything about this really but we had a huge fertility mess happening right before we were married. When the doctor called to deliver the bad news about my cancer and it's needed treatment and severity he also told us that we needed to start working out fertility issues. As a girl this was harder to hear than to hear that I had a brain tumor. I had a really really rough couple of days. I of course tried to stay positive and I was really happy but there was this gloom that stayed with me for about two days. We found a doctor and we started considering options about my future family. At first they wanted to freeze just my eggs but that never really works and then they wanted to freeze an embryo because Josh and I were to be married and so we legally could. This is when the decisions became so hard but luckily so clear. Only my parents know how much I hated that doctors office. The week I was to be married we were there about a total of 7 hours in 2 days. We were in our chemo and radiation doctors offices as well trying to figure out my treatment and the effects it would have on my family. (I have no idea why I am sharing this now...I had decided not to share it but it just started coming out). The doctors did not really give us any good answers. Radiation said I would be okay because they are radiating my head so it should not effect the eggs and the chemo said that there is a chance I still could have children. Anyway, at that time no one could or would give us any answer and it came time for me to decide what to do. That is what made this whole thing so different from anything else. This was my decision and my decision alone. Yes I was asking my parents and Joshua and taking what they said heavily into account but I realized that it was my decision and what I said went in this case. I never really felt at peace with the whole fertility thing. I felt a lot of hope but I never felt peace. I was really confused. I wondered why I hated going to that specific doctor so much and I really wanted an answer as to what to do. When we were on our way home one of the days I began praying. I realized that I needed to study it out in my and make my decision and then ask. That made it hard as well. I came to the decision that I did not want to do the whole thing. I was really surprised that I had decided that because I was so excited about the chance to have a family and being a mother has been what I have always wanted. I was the little girl who always wrote "mother" on the line when they asked what do you want to be when you grow up.Being a mother is so important to me and a mother I still can be. I will never forget the feeling that I had when I kneeled to pray for my answer. I have sought answers before but in the past month I have sought for many many extremely important answers. I was married for eternity and got to pray about that and I had to make a choice about my future family. I have never felt so much peace in an answer. I have never recieved an answer so quickly either. My prayer was not long and strenuous and I did not feel like I was still looking for an answer or confused at all at any time. I knew as soon as I felt that peace that that was my answer. I felt like I should not go forward with the fertility thing. I stood up and told my dad that I did not want to do it. I am a miracle. The Lord saved me and it is because of Him that I am here. Miracles will never cease and if God wants me to have my own children then He will send me my own children. I know that He can and will if that is what is right but in the past week I have felt so much peace with adoption as well. I know that I can be a mother to someone that does not have a mother. I know that I will be a mother no matter how it happens. I have felt peace since the moment I got my answer and Josh felt the same way. The doctor called the day after I got my answer and wanted to discuss more options and as soon as I heard He wanted to see us again I got a huge knot in my stomach. I told my parents I did not want to go and we ended up not going and they talked to him via phone instead of having me go in there. I don't want to go back until after treatment and until it is right for Josh and I to have children. I feel peace with everything and I cherish this feeling.


I still don't know how this all ended up getting on the blog but I just couldn't stop writing. I think this is enough for the day though. Have a happy 4th and don't burn too bad if you are staying here in the 110 degree weather!

Heber here I come!
Miracles will never cease
Tara Bodrero

6 comments:

The Dark Family said...

Tara, I love you and just bawled my eyes out the whole time I was reading this post! You are amazing and you inspire me so much to be positive ALL the time! I love your smile and miss your stories! You are beautiful. Josh, you are amazing and I miss you too! Hope you two have a blast in Heber. I believe in miracles and have faith and feel peace that all will work out for you both! Much love.

Autumn

Tamara ViAnn said...

You are amazing and I am continually cheering and praying for you while you are on this journey.

And your right. If God wants you to be a mother you WILL. Adoption is a beautiful thing. I have two young children- my oldest through infant domestic adoption and a second child through a surprise pregnancy (six years after trying). They are the light of my world and I love both of them equally with everything that I have. With that said our adoption experience was a thousand times harder than the pregnancy! So it's definitely not an easy path emotionally, financially etc but if it's right it will happen and the windows of heaven will open for you when you need them to be. I believe God is very mindful of you especially at this time. Hang in there and good luck with your treatments.

Meredith said...

hi..you dont know me. I am friends with the Adams in your ward (or parents ward I guess). Anyways, just wanted to say, great blog, I really enjoy reading it. You are so positive and i know that will help you get though a TON.
Anyways, I havent posted before, but I read often...but I just wanted to tell you I have adopted 2 kids and work for a adoption agency. I have NEVER been so blessed. I LOVE everything about adoption. At one time, I wanted to be pregnant and have kids the "regular" way, but now I am so LUCKY that I didnt/couldnt get pregnant and i got to adopt. My kids mean more to me than ever and I think they mean EVEN more because I worked so hard for them. There isnt a day that goes by that they dont hear me tell them how lucky I am.
So, when it comes time for you to head onto that journey I would love to help you out! Just talk to Pam, she will know who I am and how much adoption has changed my life!

good luck..hang in there and keep up the great spirit.

meredith

Wendy said...

You don't know me, but I somehow came across your blog before your surgery and I've been checking up on you every day since. Your positive attitude in the midst of such a stressful time is inspirational to me.

I wanted to comment about adoption because it's something that is close to my heart. We have two biological sons and recently adopted a baby girl from Korea. Having been through giving birth to my own children and an adoption I can say that the moment they handed our daughter to us in Korea was just as amazing as the moment they handed my boys to me after giving birth. Whether you give birth or adopt it will be an amazing experience and anyone who can go through stressful times as happy as you are will be a great mom!

Ingrid said...

Tara,
Sometimes I find it hard to express exactly how I feel when I read your blog. You are such an incredible example to all of us, with courage - and wisdom beyond your years. Your faith in God is firm and immovable, and I learn from you all the time. You are loved. Thinking about you. Love, Ingrid

Natalie said...

Tara. I am sitting in the kitchen of a friend's family's house, fighting back tears. You are such an inspiration to me. You remind me where my priorities need to be. Where I want them to be, rather. I always read these posts and just sit..trying to figure out what it is I want to say to try and express to you how much I feel your testimony and conviction. I never can figure it out. So usually I just pass by, unnoticed and anonymously. Sometimes I leave a simple comment. But just now, you are such an example to me. I am so grateful for that. You're always in my prayers.