I really don't know what else to say. Really it has all happened so fast and seriously so slow. Yes I can confirm all is true but I don't yet know if it is true in my heart. I still don't know if I believe and understand all that is going on right now. I think I am still in shock. My body is shaking and that is the only sign I have that this is real. So, I have no idea what to say here. Am I scared? to death. I am going to post a first draft with no edits. I don't know if I can stand to read it over again.
First things first. Thank you. A huge thank you to every single prayer and fast that has been on my behalf. I can feel them. Please keep praying. Keep all your hope. Keep making me laugh. Keep the love. I need it. I am so lucky to have so many people around me that have so much love for me. Please know that I have read every text, just about every email sent to my parents accounts and every comment on everything. I cannot respond personally but know that I do read and hear everything. (as for whoever left the bread, I ate about half the loaf for breakfast this morning! (I had not had the "loss of appetite" symptom apparently!) :)
My first miracle I attribute to all your prayers. Since March 1, 2010 I have been woken up at around 4 or 5 each morning. The people I work with have heard none stop complaining! I wake up from extremely painful headaches. The best way I could describe them to my mother was that someone was shoving knives into my head. Every time it was at a different place. I would often throw up and then run to the kitchen to get medicine. I don't think I can further describe the pain I was in. I, having never really had a headache before, so I thought this was normal and understood why people complain so much about them. Obviously, I do not have tension headaches and I am NOT a crazy girl who stresses way to much about school, Marriage, scholarships, BYU applications, moving, getting a job, exceeding at my current job, and selling my car. I felt like stress headaches could easily be a possibility! anyway, the whole miracle is that since Friday when I found out I have felt better than I have in months! I almost feel like my tumor is gone! I don't wake up in the night, I eat everything in sight without any stomach pains, I don't fall down as often, and my eyesight has even gotten better. I also do not clench my teeth while I sleep. I used to be scared and hesitant to go to sleep because I knew that pain would be my morning alarm clock. So since that horrid day I have felt amazing. Really I believe strongly that it is because of the prayers that have been on my behalf! Thank you! This feeling of normal-ness has been amazing. KEEP EM COMING! I will really appreciate every single prayer. I can feel your prayers they keep me strong. Please also remember my family and Joshua in your prayers. This is not just my trial. This involves an army. We all need your strength to help. I pray tomorrow that I wake the same way I have previously. Tonight, I am not scared.
I feel as if my few words have turned into many but this feels good so I will keep writing. Sorry if it gets lengthy.
So my feelings since it happened have not been what I expected. The Dr. said brain tumor aren't people supposed to freak out? I felt so good inside. I kept saying to myself "I am 20 and healthy, if anyone can beat this, I can. We are going to make it." That optimism held really strong until I went into the room with the doctor who reads the CT scans and saw my tumor for the first time. It scared me to say the least. I did not realize what I was looking at until he said, "that is your tumor". wow. really? There is no way it takes up a fourth of the screen. Not knowing what questions to bombard him with we gratefully accepted the tissue box they gave us and left. (we don't know if they were handing us the whole box or just a few, regardless, the tissue box has found a new home in our car and I think it likes it there!) Still after seeing the tumor I could not cry. My mother, on the other hand, did use the gift of tissues. I just called my father about 100 times and shook. I still felt good about the whole thing. I kept feeling that I was going to be more than just fine. I felt like I was going to be great. I was probably still in shock.
Since Friday I have taken a few brave breaks. I am glad my family literally fled to California and left Rachel as our spokesperson back home. (sorry Chol) We have NEVER packed and been in the car in less time. NEVER!!! I think we pulled out as people were pulling in. We just needed time to be a family and be away. It needed to sink in. We laughed for a good portion of the ride. We sang primary songs and pretended like we were funny and really just had a good time together. Nate was unusually nice about letting me put my legs all over him and let me sit where the AC hits the best. (there are perks to this whole thing!) California was amazing and I really had the time of my life dancing and being with everyone. I just got an extra long hug from everyone! Hugs are great by the way. Miracles seriously started unfolding the minute we found out and many of them have been listed by my family.
Since getting home I have been able to hold my composure fairly well if I must say so myself. I was a little sad that they had to postpone my bridal shower but just as long as adorable primary children don't make me cards or hug me and tell me they fasted and prayed "the whole day" I usually don't tear up. We had to get home for Cash Clark's baptism. My primary kids are the best and I was so sad when we found out what time it was and realized that I maybe could not make it. I think at the time I was more sad about that then anything else! Luckily we made it and it was such a spiritual experience for me. It also was my first time being back, being back around people who like me, had a new knowledge of things. Nothing really has changed really since last week besides knowledge. It is scary what knowledge can do and how it can seriously alter your life in a way never thought possible. Anyway, going back into the world was better than I thought. People were kind and just told me that they loved me and that I was in their prayers. That's all I needed to hear. Thank you.
As far as updates on what's going on we do not have any new information. All I know is that my dad will turn over the world for me and I think that after sitting at this desk for a few more hours, he has done about that! He has and I know he will continue to do everything possible for me. He wants me to have the best, not close to the best! We left him this morning and his phone in ear and pen in hand sitting at this desk. We returned hours later to find him right where we left him with a clean kitchen. Clear evidence that he had not eaten! Hid church binders were on the floor next to his work binders and in front of him was a new binder he now calls his life. It has every phone conversation listed with detailed notes. He has everything possible in the binder. My daddy really loves me. On the top of the binder he has placed my ultimate favorite quote. Come what may and love it
yes I love my tumor. As of right now I do. Don't ask me tomorrow or even in five minutes. As of right now I love my tumor. The Lord must think I am very strong. He gives us what he knows we can handle. I am ready and willing to prove the Lord right. If he knows I can handle it, I know I can too.
I love every lesson it has taught me and I know that I will always love the lessons it has and will continue to teach me. Already I have learned about faith and love. I have learned about the power of prayer and I truly believe that a positive attitude is everything. Not only my positive attitude but those around me as well. I am aware that I may get more bad news. I know that there is a worst and I know that I really don't care for the worst scenario but I also KNOW without a doubt that having a bad attitude will not cure anything. I know that being sad won't make anything better so I am trying my very best to be the happy Schlappi I know I can be. I promise to do my best to come what may and love it. My best, the Lord will not ask for anything more.
We are heading into a journey and we have no idea when it will end but we do have hope. Thank you so much for caring. If you have made it this far you must really really care! I love you so much. If you are ever wondering if you can do anything for me or my family please pray! I read every comment
I do believe in miracles