The Big Black Hole

Yesterday we learned another fact we did not know about brains.  Remember, we only had 15 minutes with our surgeon before surgery; so we pretty much went into surgery somewhat uneducated about this whole brain tumor deal.  Dr. Brachman (radiation oncologist) has been fantastic in educating us about what is really going on inside Tara's head.

When we saw Tara's beautiful scan yesterday; we saw a big black HOLE - it was similar to the very first CT scan Tara and I saw on May 14th. The difference between May 14th and August 26th is that that black hole we saw in May was a TUMOR and now it's just a black hole. Dr. Brachman said when the surgeon took the tumor out; he did in fact take brain tissue.  We mistakenly thought the tumor was some foreign yucky object in there that pushed all the healthy brain tissue aside and possibly pushed all Tara's good tissue around and made everything a really tight fit.  We thought that the brain tissue would relax after surgery and eventually her brain would look like a normal brain with normal tissue looking stuff all around.  Not so.  Tara's brain is exceptional - it will never be "normal."  A good scan means there is NOTHING in that black hole.  Apparently we don't ever want to see anything growing there - because if we do - that is bad cells growing again. We did see some fluid above one of the membranes where the tumor was - that may explain Tara's headaches, but it should decrease and be fine, the doctor said.

So, my comment to Terri was "does this mean Tara will not be as smart as she could be with that much brain tissue missing??"  Terri reassured me that this area of the brain is not used much and Tara is indeed still smart and will still function properly - after all, she continues to ace her brain games tests that Terri administers!  Can it be true that we only use 10% of our brain cells?  I've heard that before - don't know for sure it it's true or not. ( I don't know why my computer changed to italics - sorry - it's a new computer....)


Scott's comment was, "can we put a golf ball inside her head in that hole so the tumor never grows back because there's no room??"  Remember, this hole is the size of a small orange.  That's alot of brain tissue that's missing.  I am so very grateful that everything works on Tara - fingers, toes, mind, etc.  The more I learn about brains, the more I realize how much the Lord is really looking out for us.  Things could be so much worse. 


I think I have cried every day this week - for various and sundry reasons.  I was trying so hard to be ONLY faithful for this MRI, but I'm afraid some fear stole inside of me! I keep telling myself a quote I read from our prophet - "faith and fear cannot exist at the same time". Yesterday I cried tears of joy right there in the doctor's office.  Terri told me (as I teared up) go ahead and CRY - it's okay.  Happy tears.  Such a relief you can't imagine. It feels like now I'll be able to breathe for a few months again.  It's like Dr. Brachtman said - we live in a weird sort of world now - one eye looking back, and one eye forward.  So, now, on to chemo and the next MRI is in 2 months.  I sincerely hope we get used to this routine and get clear scan after clear scan and eventually stop worrying about these scans.


I played walleyball with some fellow walleyball lovers this morning.  Of course I was so happy and relieved and they could all see it in the way I acted.  I was back to my annoying competitive self on the court.  I yell alot and laugh and get frustrated when I miss a good shot.  I've been somewhat not myself now for these past months and it felt good to return to that person.  As I was explaining this black hole syndrome, Leslie Clark said, "Now Tara really IS an airhead!"  She HAS air in her head!  We pray she will always be an airhead and never have anything in that spot again.  I thought the airhead would be appropriate considering Tara put a blonde joke on and I am blonde!!


Tara is acting like a normal person again.  She actually felt like going to the grocery store and buying groceries for their own house.  When I wanted to show her how to make bread, she insisted that we make it at her house with HER bread mixer.  So, off we went to be merry homemakers.  She is even going to cook a few of her meals this week.  WOW!  My mother's heart is happy today.  I remember the week after Tara's wedding when she felt normal and good - I cherished those moments - here I am again cherishing another moment.  We have to grab those days when we can!!


I am so very touched by our ward members and Tara's ward members who are combining tomorrow to fast for Tara and our family.  We have been carried on all of their shoulders through this trial.  I know so many of the rest of you not in our ward have also been praying and fasting also.  So many people were so anxious about the MRI yesterday right alongside of us.  It's as a friend said today - Tara is ALL of our baby! Everyone has adopted her and is feeling some of what we're feeling! We're all talking to each other - trying to find out the results and pulling together.  We are so humbled by your love.  Your truly Christlike love.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I speak for my husband also.  You are the BEST!!!


Love, Becky