Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My head hurts and I am awfully nervous about my scan next week. They come much faster than I could have ever guessed they would. I tell myself deep breaths, it will all be fine but then my stomach gets that “not chemo” feeling and my head starts going crazy. I am starting to loathe these mind games I play with myself but can’t seem to stop them. This guilt of not being able to do everything a wife (by the definition I grew up with) is supposed to do never leaves my mind and of course, Josh does everything in his power to destroy it. Then I get sad because of what I am doing to him. He does so much for me and I tell myself that he does not deserve this. I even go as far as wondering why I let myself marry him like this. I call myself selfish for pulling him into this and then walk around the house only to find dirty clothes, beds un-made and dishes in the sink and it all sinks deeper in my heart. I look in the mirror and don’t see the girl he fell in love with. I see a sad heart in the eyes and then I feel the pain in my arm where my vein was burst. Then I look on my chest and see the scar and bulge of my port. I can fell the port running up my chest into my neck. My clothes are beginning to drown me and often he has to eat dinner alone, CJ’s night, night, after night. I get sad watching him do homework. I feel so useless sometimes. I feel like I am forcing him into a profession just because I need insurance. I can’t watch him anymore so I go watch food network and am once again reminded of the fact that I do not cook dinners for us and usually Josh gets breakfast ready. I felt like this for over two weeks. Constantly finding what was wrong with me, constantly feeling bad for what I have done to other people (Josh being the main man). I think it was Saturday night when once again, Josh became my hero. The guilt had won another battle and I was left in tears, waiting for the medicine to force me to sleep, hoping that the next day could be better. I had quiet tears in the dark so I figured I would get through this one alone, and let the tired, hard-working man, get some rest. Unfortunately/fortunately, Josh felt my silent tears and knew something was wrong. He asked me to pray for comfort and I told him I couldn’t. Not only was I having guilt with what I was doing to Josh but also, what I was doing to my Heavenly Father. I had medicine stronger than Chemo and I wasn’t taking it. I was letting days go by without scriptures study and without prayers that really meant something. My faith was dead. “Faith, without works, is dead.” I was not living my testimony by word and action. I could say that I had a testimony of the scriptures and the peace they bring but I could not read them. They were always too far away and I was too tried or sick. Kneeling on the ground meant that I had to face the cold again and get out of bed. I think that the devil hid my scriptures a few times just so I couldn’t find them. I was letting myself go. I was using my agency and chose not to take the medicine that can heal me. What I didn’t realize was that when I was going without scriptures and prayers, I was allowing the devil in. I knocked my own defense walls down and welcomed him in. The devil got to me. He did a really go job. He made me feel like I could not go to my Heavenly Father in prayer. The reason I told Josh that I couldn’t was because I wondered why I could ask for something when I was not giving. I was not doing my part so why should I expect him to do his? It is like getting paid for not doing anything. There was no way I could get help. I wanted help so badly. I told myself that I would start doing the little things and I would get back on track and then ask for help. I felt like I could not ask for forgiveness until after I had repented. I figured that tonight, I will sleep with this awful pain in my soul. Josh obviously knew better and helped me once again realize the atonement and mercy of Christ. It took a while but he convinced me that I could pray and that I could ask, the Lord just needs me to ask. I wanted him to ask so badly, thinking he was more worthy of a blessing. He knew better and refused kindly. After a few minutes I finally did what I should have down weeks ago. I told the devil and his evil spirits to leave. I prayed for Christ’s love to come back. The devil had to leave and Christ’s love was able to feel me with hope and happiness. I peacefully fell asleep that night holding my sweet Joshua’s hand. I am so glad I get to keep him forever. I opened my eyes to see my beautiful Book of Mormon sharing my pillow with me. Josh wanted to help me remember to do the small things! After I read, I looked in the mirror and saw Tara, a girl who could rock any hairstyle (even if it looked freakishly like Kramer from Seinfeld )! Then I saw my port and remember all the pain that it saves me when having infusion, I ran my fingers across my neck where it sticks out and felt the joy of modern medicine that has helped me so much already. I realized that the profession Josh was headed in was one that will not only help me and my medical needs but also has the potential to save other lives. I analyzed my veins and straightened my arm all the way out with little pain and was grateful for the good blood that still runs through my veins. I looked at my eyes, the ones who were swollen with fear and pain and saw my dark brown eyes that my mother loves, my happy eyes. I put on my jeans and was glad that they were a size too big. I realized that even though I was dropping weight, I was dropping it and still keeping my blood counts and protein levels up…horrid way to slim down, but it is working! I walked around the house and saw dishes in the sink and stuff on the floor and then remembered that I wasn’t perfect! My sick feeling reconfirmed that the chemo was still in my body, fighting for me! Why would I loathe one of my strongest armies? All feelings of guilt, doubt, and sadness were gone. I prayed for love throughout the day and I did everything I could to build back up those Satan defense walls that I had destroyed. I tried to use my agency for good. Today, I am a much happier person.
People say that the devil attacks you at your weakest point. I may sound arrogant but they also say that he tries to ruin the best people. I don’t want to say that I am the best but I will say that I have become extremely close to the Lord and I think that really started to bug the devil. So he fought me. I really never want to feel like that again. I know that I can go at any time and I have known that my whole life but at that moment, I felt like I could not. The devil became so much more real to me and it scares me to think that he is working just as hard on other people. It makes me so sad to know that other people are feeling the way that I felt, out of control. It does give me hope and happiness to know that I have a Savior who will forgive me 70 times 7 and who will never cease to show me love when I ask. I know now how important my works are. Faith alone won’t do it for me. I need my works.
Scan comes up next week. I know I am in good hands. I have to tell that fear to take a hike! I am on the Lord’s side now and forever.
I am a daughter of God