Thursday, April 7, 2011

I don't want to be in pain anymore

Okay my brave break time. I am taking off my smiley face and just letting it all out. Hopefully it will make it all feel better. Venting usually helps.

I am so sick of being in pain. I could just scream. My stomach and head and neck and feet and well everything just hurts. Pain is my new normal and I want to go back. I want to go back to occasional pain. I want to go back to stubbing my toe and having that be my only pain instead of having it just add to the laundry list of other painful body parts. I am ready for this to be over. I think one of the biggest pain I want to get rid of is this pain that keeps festering in my heart is the pain of knowing that I may not be able to have my own children. Oh, I don't know how anyone manages this pain. I wish Vicodin could take this pain can't and won't. Doctors can't stitch this wound back together. This is one I have to endure medicine free. The only medicine I can take for this pain is faith and apparently I need a refill... I just get so sad looking at baby pictures. I have a few friends who have had or are having kids and it is hard to say but I am extremely jealous of them. Cancer, I can handle. Being bald, while every one else has long beautiful hair...I have learned to handle...but not having children...this could take a while. I almost get angry and start cursing those who even consider abortion or fight for the right to have an abortion. Ah, it kills me to know that people don't want the blessings they are being given. I know there are others out there that are dealing with the same wound that I am and maybe in a further degree, how do you handle it? Please, I need help! All I have wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mommy. My wants have not changed one bit. I want to be a mommy. I have already named my first and second daughters! Kate and Adaline! I have already gotten the fabric for their quilts for their beds! Ah leave me bald forever...but make sure that I am a bald momma! Okay, now that I have wiped my tears and have gained control of my hysterical breathing I can finally, hopefully start to think straight. I knew this was going to be an issue. I knew from the beginning of treatment. I also knew my answer. I never remember feeling a time of more peace than of when I prayed about what to do about children. I knew then, and now know now that I will be a momma.

Remember this..."more importantly I KNOW whose hands I am in. I don't care what the doctors say because God is in control. Dr.'s would have said the Red Sea can't be parted and the blind won't see, the dead can't walk, and the dumb can talk but the most amazing thing is, with God anything is possible. I love my Dr.'s and I am so thankful for them  but they aren't in control, my Father in Heaven is. My life always has been in his hands and it will continue to stay there. There is so much peace in knowing that Heavenly Father is in control. I cannot even imagine enduring this trial without a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and the gospel. It is amazing how much you can learn in such a short time. It is amazing how alive the scriptures can become and how immediately, everything pertains to you. Life has new meaning. Life is beautiful. "

Okay, I think my faith med refill is all I have to do is take it. I know I felt this way and I do not doubt my answer...that does not lessen the pain but hopefully it can help me heal. I just need to remember who I am and why I am here. I need to sit down and talk to myself and get through this trial. Come what may and......ahhhhh love it. Okay maybe I can learn to love this. For one, I now have more empathy for those who cannot have children of their one. Two, it will make the day I see my first child sweeter because I have experienced the pain. Three...what won't kill me will make me stronger and I am too stubborn to let this kill my spirit and hope. Four, trials are a part of God's plan. Just shows that God is still looking out for me and wants me to be the best I can be and I guess the best I can be needs to learn something new!


Brave break over. It is amazing how much better I feel. Well, the Vicodin is kicking in for my physical pains and that help! :) But in all seriousness, I am ready to take my medicine of faith.

So, that was an odd post...thanks for reading.

I feel much better.

Tara Lynn.
a daughter of God and
future mother! :)


Jazmin amos said...

Love you Tara :)

Jennifer said...

You tell them doctors, Tara! Our Heavenly Father is in charge :)

(oh and PS, those are beautiful names...I promise I wont steal them because you'll be needing them!)

Jed & Mary Neilson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jed & Mary Neilson said...


I read your post and cried because really, that is all a Mother wants for her daughters is for them to be Mothers and to love that divine calling. I dealt with infertility for years. The Dr's could not figure out why and after many prayers and lots of faith, I have 4 beautiful daughters. Being a member of the church, the one thing that carried me thru all of my rough times of infertility was doing initiatories in the Temple of the Lord. There are so many special blessings that are promised, only specifically at that time. Every time I got discouraged, that is where I went. It is also nice because you can tell the ladies you have 1/2 hour and they will do what they can. One thing that I have learned is the Savior knows the desires of your heart. That is the most precious blessing that we have been given. You are a daughter of God and a royal heir to many kingdoms that we cannot understand. You are doing things more difficult than anyone of us can comprehend. Thank you for sharing your deepest feelings! You are loved by many. I know trials are hard,after the storm, there is always a beautiful rainbow.

Heidi said...

Thank you for sharing, Tara, you are my inspiration!!!! Things must be so hard, more than I can imagine, and then you can still have faith and trust in Heavenly Father. I need to take my own faith meds more often!

Shane Meredith Mason and Kendall said...

hi, you dont know me, although I have posted one other time. I am just like you, I grew up knowing that all i wanted to be was a mom. I couldnt wait! Then after being married for 5 years and doing thousands of dollars of infertility treatments and never finding anything wrong I was heart broken. It changed me, big time. I didnt want to see people pregnant, i hated going out of town because I swear EVERYTIME i came home SOMEONE else was pregnant.
Everyone said to adopt, but I wasnt ready! Then, one night (literally in the middle of the night) I was woken up and KNEW we had to adopt. we got certified, and 3 weeks later I was a mom! Then 17 mo later we got a call at 1:00, and I was a mom again at 5:00.
I couldnt love my kids ANY more if I physically carried them and gave birth to them. they are mine, and always will be. Also, there is NOTHNG better than being able to take YOUR baby to the temple. If you physically had your babies, you wouldnt get to do that! and trust me, its so great!!!
Its a hard pill to swallow, cause really, its not what we all planned. But I can promise you its just as great, if not better, than carrying your child. I think I love my kids more because i worked SO dang hard for them!

good are always in my prayers. And when/if you ever decide to adopt I would love to help you along the way (I work for an agency)

email me!


Meredith and Jason said...

Hi Tara- I'm a long time reader, but have never commented. I have loved reading your blog and have been amazed at the way you handle the trials that have come your way!

I do not understand the pain of the cancer you are going through, but I do understand the pain of knowing you may never be able to have your own children. My husband and I have been struggling with inferitily for years. Like you, my whole life I've wanted to be a mom, experience pregnancy and bringing life into the world. Knowing that might not happen has literally broken my heart! I'm no expert on how to deal with that... I find myself sad about it often, but when I feel that way I pray for help in accepting his will- that's all I CAN do! :)

In the mean time, my husband and I recently started the process of applying for adoption. Although I still want to one day have children biologically, the possibility of starting my family through adoption has brought me a lot of hope. :)

Sorry- this a a novel. You'll be in my prayers!

Heidi said...

I'm so sorry. Just another sorrow for you to bear and it seems you have had enough already. It doesn't make you feel any better, but you are helping so many other people. Thank you for being so open about your experience and know that you are loved and prayed for.

OSU 98 said...

Tara - I have been following for awhile now, but have never commented.

I am 37, no husband no kids....all my friends are married at this point and most are on round 2 and 3 of kids. Wedding photos and kid photos are painful to see. Sometimes, it is more than I think I could ever take, yet somehow, God always protects me and helps me back to a good place - and is ready and waiting when I need help again. Those moments are painful, humbling and necessary, all at the same time.

I am blessed with a great family and great friends, and good health. I have so much in my life, yet I want more - and often struggle with the guilt of not appreciating what have.

Your faith is inspiring because your are open about your struggles in light of your faith in God and his plan for you. Your testimony through your struggles speaks to me daily.

Thinking good thoughts of health, healing and future children. :)

Kourtney said...

Tara - You are such an inspiration to so many, especially to me! You are just amazing! I was reading through the ensign this morning, and I found this


article and thought of this post and you. You've probably already seen it, but regardless, it made me think of how perfectly aware Heavenly Father is of each of us and the struggles we each face! You handle your challenges with such faith and grace and I appreciate your example! You always make me want to be better! Thanks yet again for sharing your faith through the life you live! - Kourtney

Birtcher said...

Tara, you are so inspriational. Thanks for helping fill my faith perscription as well. You can do it girl! And will be a FABULOUS mother someday. What a lucky son/daughter to have you for their mmother.

There and back again...and again... said...

Tara, Just today one of our stake presidency told of a lady in our stake having horrible cancer and going through incredible rough treatments. This was many years ago. She asked her home teacher to give her a blessing and he was inspired to tell her she would have and raise a child. Needless to say, it made him wonder.

Well, that dear sister did have a child and has raised him and is now suffering with cancer again. The Lord blessed her with the desires of her heart and kept her here to raise him. You are right...HE IS IN CONTROL. His will is always done and it is up to us to live so that we can accept it. We can work each day to bring ourselves into a place where we are at peace with whatever he chooses for us.

Keep up the faith. The Lord loves you so much and you are such an inspiration to all of us. I know I have never met you (just your parents) but I love you and I am still praying for you.

Brenda said...

Tara, I was just randomly looking at blogs today and saw this post. I have never had cancer so I don't know what this is like (and I will pray for you for a speedy and complete recovery). I do know what it is like to be infertile. While it was a painful journey I can honestly say I my infertility is one of my greatest blessings! It took me a long time before I could see that...feel free to read some of my feelings and journey on my blog. I hope it helps.