Okay my brave break time. I am taking off my smiley face and just letting it all out. Hopefully it will make it all feel better. Venting usually helps.
I am so sick of being in pain. I could just scream. My stomach and head and neck and feet and well everything just hurts. Pain is my new normal and I want to go back. I want to go back to occasional pain. I want to go back to stubbing my toe and having that be my only pain instead of having it just add to the laundry list of other painful body parts. I am ready for this to be over. I think one of the biggest pain I want to get rid of is this pain that keeps festering in my heart is the pain of knowing that I may not be able to have my own children. Oh, I don't know how anyone manages this pain. I wish Vicodin could take this pain away..it can't and won't. Doctors can't stitch this wound back together. This is one I have to endure medicine free. The only medicine I can take for this pain is faith and apparently I need a refill... I just get so sad looking at baby pictures. I have a few friends who have had or are having kids and it is hard to say but I am extremely jealous of them. Cancer, I can handle. Being bald, while every one else has long beautiful hair...I have learned to handle...but not having children...this could take a while. I almost get angry and start cursing those who even consider abortion or fight for the right to have an abortion. Ah, it kills me to know that people don't want the blessings they are being given. I know there are others out there that are dealing with the same wound that I am and maybe in a further degree, how do you handle it? Please, I need help! All I have wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mommy. My wants have not changed one bit. I want to be a mommy. I have already named my first and second daughters! Kate and Adaline! I have already gotten the fabric for their quilts for their beds! Ah leave me bald forever...but make sure that I am a bald momma! Okay, now that I have wiped my tears and have gained control of my hysterical breathing I can finally, hopefully start to think straight. I knew this was going to be an issue. I knew from the beginning of treatment. I also knew my answer. I never remember feeling a time of more peace than of when I prayed about what to do about children. I knew then, and now know now that I will be a momma.
Remember this..."more importantly I KNOW whose hands I am in. I don't care what the doctors say because God is in control. Dr.'s would have said the Red Sea can't be parted and the blind won't see, the dead can't walk, and the dumb can talk but the most amazing thing is, with God anything is possible. I love my Dr.'s and I am so thankful for them but they aren't in control, my Father in Heaven is. My life always has been in his hands and it will continue to stay there. There is so much peace in knowing that Heavenly Father is in control. I cannot even imagine enduring this trial without a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and the gospel. It is amazing how much you can learn in such a short time. It is amazing how alive the scriptures can become and how immediately, everything pertains to you. Life has new meaning. Life is beautiful. "
Okay, I think my faith med refill is ready...now all I have to do is take it. I know I felt this way and I do not doubt my answer...that does not lessen the pain but hopefully it can help me heal. I just need to remember who I am and why I am here. I need to sit down and talk to myself and get through this trial. Come what may and......ahhhhh love it. Okay maybe I can learn to love this. For one, I now have more empathy for those who cannot have children of their one. Two, it will make the day I see my first child sweeter because I have experienced the pain. Three...what won't kill me will make me stronger and I am too stubborn to let this kill my spirit and hope. Four, trials are a part of God's plan. Just shows that God is still looking out for me and wants me to be the best I can be and I guess the best I can be needs to learn something new!
Brave break over. It is amazing how much better I feel. Well, the Vicodin is kicking in for my physical pains and that help! :) But in all seriousness, I am ready to take my medicine of faith.
So, that was an odd post...thanks for reading.
I feel much better.
a daughter of God and
future mother! :)