Friday, June 17, 2011

Why can't it be me?

Becky here...

Today I had a brave break, meltdown or whatever we want to call it. As I saw my daughter so sick from chemo I just thought "life isn't fair." Here I am, playing walleyball, cleaning, shopping, with enough energy to do whatever I want; and Tara is so tired and so sick to her stomach. I had one of those "life isn't fair" moments. I really don't usually complain, and I know there are lots of trials out there that are really tough; but today; I just wanted it to go away and have my daughter back - the one before chemo. Tara reminded me I STILL have my daughter and she once again lifted me up and put a smile back on my face. I haven't heard her complain; only me. So, I thought to myself, "why is it me that feels so good while Tara feels so bad?" I would switch if I could; I would take it away if I could; but I can't do either. It's moments like these that I really have to pray hard and lean on the Saviour just a little more heavily. I just can't understand the whys; so I'll just have to keep plugging on the "faith train" (as a friend calls it). I'm glad I feel good; don't get me wrong; but I would trade if I could have Tara feel good and me be sick.

I have to remind myself, only 4 more rounds of chemo - 4 more months - that's less months than is on one hand!!! Tara said "6 more months" - but me and Dr. Shapiro and Josh probably will VETO that idea. I am so very glad Tara has Josh - as she said on our camping trip, "Josh is my happiness."

1 comment:

Avon said...

Hey Becky......It's perfectly ok to have "brave breaks". I have learned in life that there are sometimes no answers for things that happen to our loved ones. I have been there my friend. I have wondered "Why" on so many occasions. I know in my heart that there is a reason for everything in life, and that sometimes we just don't see the "big picture" so to speak. I can't even begin to imagine the stress you are under. You are an amzing woman and an amazing mother. You are an example to me in so many ways, as is Tara. Keep your chin up ok!! I love you. Also my little Cody never forgets Tara in his prayers. He loves being in her "Army" :)