Sunday, January 23, 2011

7 months down - counting my blessings

This is Becky.

Just a few thoughts.... I wanted to thank all of you who keep praying.  Scott & I were talking this week about how the prayers have sustained us - I reflect often on all of you praying and I know it helps.  People often say to me "I don't know how you make it through this so well."  Well, sometimes I make it though better than others.  But, as my sister said once, just don't think about it.  That helps to just move forward and try not to dwell on things.  Keeping ourselves busy helps.  But, it's always there.  Tara is never, never out of our thoughts and heart felt prayers.  Her smile keeps us both going.  She just has a great spirit - one you can palpably feel when you're around her.  We have wonderful, talented, doctors who care about Tara and are doing all they can in this fight.

This week is a "chemo week."  After this, we're down one more treatment, one more month closer to finishing.  7 months of treatment sounds like a long time, and sometimes it feels like it's been forever; and other times not.  Trisha said something last week that really made sense and I hadn't thought of it this way before.  She talked about the "cumulative effect" of the Temodar in your system, and how after months of this treatment, you just start to be more and more tired - this drug is meant to stay in your system and work hard on those cells.  I have been going through each month just focusing on 5 days of chemo, then she will feel better.  And, many times, that is just the case, she does feel better after she's finished those days and I pray that continues; but we have to realize she is indeed not a super woman and trying not to push herself isn't a bad thing sometimes. Just relaxing and resting that precious head of hers can be a good thing also!

Tara said to me Friday, "do you think I will ever be normal and have energy to do things again - to do what I want to do again?"  Meeting Trisha gave us hope that can really happen.  It's just a long fight, this cancer fight is.  It's definitely trying our patience; but I have to admit I am learning things from this journey.  One thought a friend said in a meeting last week was helpful also - she said you can "never stop trusting and loving the Lord."  I have to remember that.  Another thought this week that was helpful was "give us the day our daily bread."  (from a CES talk by Elder Christofferson I want to hear).  Focus on getting through TODAY.  Get through each day the best you can.  Tomorrow is always a new day; a new day with hope and love in it.  So, Tara is sick today - well, we'll just get through that and hope for tomorrow to be better!  I also believe I am enjoying the "moments" in life more.  I loved seeing Ryan & Stephanie's house have grass and flowers yesterday. (they got sod yesterday for their front yard) That was a moment to treasure - a day spent working hard together; but reaping the fruits of our labors and looking at their pretty house front!  I can hardly wait for the flowers to grow - you would think they were my own flowers!  I love looking in my children's beautiful brown eyes, (except for Ryan who is the only one taking after me with his blue eyes), love Brigham's hugs, love Nate being taller than me and giving me grief about my "gray hairs on the top of my head", love watching Nate play basketball, love waiting to hear about how many more schools will be choices for Travis to further his education, love reading Rachel's very fun blog about her life, love spending time with Tara - even if it is at Barrow's; love going to lunch with my girls and my mom, and the list goes on.  Forgive me for rambling; but I really need to count my blessings today.  My wonderful, supportive, husband and my children and their spouses and Brigham are my greatest blessings.  I am blessed to be able to be here and enjoy all of this.  I think the joy in life is more magnified because we have to experience such sorrow also.  I think I have to live this trial to really, really, appreciate the moments in life.  I believe I enjoyed moments before this; but it's just "more" now....

I have to admit there are many times Scott & I have heavy hearts, but those times pass and we do move on.  Thanks to the Lord for strengthening us.  Nothing is too hard for the Lord; I must remember and cling to that. I am hoping that this is not too hard for me -but then how can I talk or complain?  I can't possibly feel sorry for myself when I look at Tara; I'm not the one sick and not the one getting all these shots and tests - I just am the one watching.... her strength continues to amaze me.  That girl has so much love in her!

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