Surgeon Update... sorry it's long...

 Okay, we met with Dr, Smith.

Pre surg scan on the 20th and biopsy on the 23rd. 

Now onto my therapeutic rambling. 

Meet with Kris Smith on Tuesday.. He knows his stuff and we feel he is the right man to do it. I was a little bugged that he only mentioned 2 of the spots and not the rest... when we discussed this he said we could do a full surgery instead of a biopsy but we are already dancing far too close to my optic nerve. There is a chance that I will lose my peripheral vision in my left eye already but opening up and taking more of the lobe increases the chances of further damage. We will do LITT therapy on the biggest two spots and then hopefully chemo takes care of the rest. Ahhh... I hate that word right now. HOPEFULLY?!?! I don't want hopefully when it comes to tumors in my brain... I guess hopefully will have to do for now. humph.  We will know more when the path report comes back. It could take 5 business days...hopefully less...eww there is that word again. 

We still sent all the stuff to USCF and I went to tumor board there on Thursday... We anticipate hearing from them on Monday. My gut feels like Dr. Smith will do it.

The biopsy will not be a short procedure like we thought... I will be under for a while...a lot of the time I will be in machines.... the biopsy needle is tiny and doubles as the LITT administer-er...it is thre tool that does the LITT therapy. Anyway, They have to be super careful and I am all about long scans while I am under. 

The past 4 MRI's have been really hard on me physically and emotionally...mostly emotionally. I tend to cry a lot and get scared then my heart races and I start to breath heavy. Then I start to freak out because if I move at all, they have to do the sequence again which means more machine time which I don't love. I try to tell myself to freak out in my brain, not my heart/lungs, my eyes start pacing frantically looking in the mirror for a count down clock to tell me the sequence is almost over but the 3T scanner I have been in recently, doesn't have a count down clock. So I try to find the tech, anyone...is this almost over?? Can I get out of here? My arms are numb, the back of my head is in pain and the contrast they just injected makes all my teeth feel like they are being pushed out from the inside, my arm with the IV is on fire and I just want it over but if I push that button, if I squeeze that ball, it isn't over, it just starts from the beginning...I can't stop now, "I am Tara Bodrero, I can do hard things. It is almost over Tara Lynn (why am I shaking typing this?) don't stop now. In through your nose, out through your mouth but don't open your jaw...you CAN do this!!" By this point my jaw is clenched shut, my eyes too. After a few deep breaths and I open my eyes. Josh is there!!! He is in the window!!! I can see him!!! I will be okay, Josh is with me. heart rate and breathing slow. I feel peace, feel calm, I feel okay, I feel love. He loves me, he will take care of me. By now I have tears dripping in my ears and dried to my face. (and yes I am crying just thinking about it and how much he loves me. I make it through and he meets me as I get out with a Josh hug that cannot be replicated. 

Josh. Amazing. Amazing that he ended up in radiology and can be there with me...well kinda with me, a window away. The techs can hear and see everything I do... I usually choose Celine Dion to have played in the headphones during the scan. When he walked in to the tech room they asked him, "Did your wife chose this or was it random?" to which he replied, "I have no doubt she chose this.". Celine and I are in a bit of a fight right now and it kinda triggers me a bit...still love her, just give it time. She won't be joining me in a machine anytime soon. Back to Josh :) 12 years ago, all he could do was google and even when he did, he didn't understand everything. Now, he knows it all. He understands everything and will make sure I get the best treatment out there. He has stared at those spots more than anyone and has access to a myriad of neuroradiologists from all over the country that he has looking at this. When I call to get an appointment or talk to someone I get the "your call will be returned in 24-48 hours" crap. He gets to press 1 and talk to someone immediately. I like my cute doctor representative.

My initial cancer diagnosis sent us on the med school route. We must have been unimaginably naïve... Tara has cancer, doctors say she doesn't have long and it will be hard...great... let's embark on a 10+ year journey that will be filled with exceptionally hard years while going through it... Come-on!! We did that plus a surprise baby, 3 more planned babies, and now have 18 months left. Selfishly I feel like I have done a lot of the hard part...don't trip at the end girl! My heavens sake Tara Lynn...you have worked so hard... keep fighting and enjoy the fruits of your labors! 

I am on a few doctor-wives Facebook groups and they use the acronym IGB... it stands for It Gets Better. That phrase has always bothered me. Many women live for the day they are done, they live for the paycheck and the day they are done with training but in the end, it doesn't get better...they didn't enjoy the time going through and many end in divorce during the IGB time. Even if my time is up before the IGB time... I am happy here. I am happy with our home, our children, our community and by golly... I am happy with my spouse! I don't need him to be done and make more money...I am living my dream right here with my 4 kids they told me I would never have and an amazing husband that I cry regularly about because I love him so much. We have built such a great family, stacked the deck in our favor, chose the harder path over and over and over again to get here...We just drew a wild card and I would like to rip it up and burn it but unfortunately. that is not our lot. This will be the next year to 18 months of our lives and yes fellowship comes in June...we are supposed to be moving to Duke unsure if the treatments are working...why so many big kid decisions all at once??

No,  I am not done...! Josh just asked me if I was:). UNM has been amazing to him and gave him a workstation so he can stay home with me incase I need it. He has to work nights this week so I am trying to stay up a little and he can hear my keyboard typing away. I have to face another wall and can't see his screen for HIPPA stuff but he can hear my fingers  tip-typing away.  

I have started a new diet and have loads of thoughts and feelings about and would actually like advice but it is time to take my meds and go to sleep. My body needs sleep. Tomorrow we can talk about the diet. Love you all! Congrats on making it to the end. Thanks for fighting with me and making me feel loved. I do read everything and appreciate it all. 

Tara Lynn