Honesty

Welcome. Welcome to my. 5 am processing time.Luke started coughing at 4:45 and sleep hasn’t been my friend lately. My brain just won’t turn off. I lay in my bed and spiral. This morning instead of letting my tears silently soak my pillowcase, I got my booty out bed, grabbed a minky blanket and came here to process. We will see how it goes. Brutal, unfiltered, honestly where I get to feel what I feel. 

Today…again… I feel scared, panicked, and afraid. Part of the way I process is by letting myself go to the deepest, darkest place, to feel all the feels and then to try to build back up to hope. It has been a very rocky road this time. I try to build and the fear just shoves me right back down. 

Faith and fear can’t coexist. I am struggling… fear is winning and I just don’t have enough faith right now. Yesterday I lost it during the Sacrament hymn when the lyrics,  “ Yet, if thou wilt, I’ll drink it up. I’ve done the work thou gavest me,” came up… I lost it… I could not sing it. I am not there. I was the first go around… I really was. I AM NOT THERE right now. I know it is where I need to get to but I cannot right now. I will not accept any outcome. I need to be here with my babies. I will not accept leaving. Not right now. Truthfully, I don’t need to accept that right now because we are still wading in a ton of unknowns. We don’t know this will end in my nightmares… all we know is the next step is a biopsy to get a path report. I will meet with Kris Smith tomorrow to arrange the biopsy. Biopsy’s don’t scare me, meds don’t scare me, being excruciatingly ill, does not scare me… I welcome it… I will beg for them to make me as sick as possible! Leaving my babies, scares me. 

To all those dealing with a terminal illness, knocking at the same door. I feel you. I know what you are going through.  I know the all-encompassing pain that takes over controlling your breath and plunges you into a deep dark hole… physical pain can’t compare to the emotional pain that builds when processing this.  A few nights ago, Josh held me as the emotional pain took over again . He didn’t tell me everything would be okay, he didn’t tell me to be strong or to have faith…, he just held me and let me fall apart on his shoulder. No, this is not the first time it has happened…it’s the millionth… he just held me and let me cry. Who is holding him? Who is helping him in his sleepless nights? A few nights ago we both tossed and turned, each knowing what was on the others mind… it hurts that I don’t know how to help him. Don’t forget him. I do not know what he is going though, I don’t understand his pain, I do not know how to help him. Know he is struggling too and don’t forget him in your prayers, He is the greatest man I know. He  has been through so much. He is one of my rocks… who is his? He has got more gray hairs than most his age and vast majority of those hairs… are all mine… yes, our vocational training route has definitely contributed as well but most… are mine. It is a good thing he looks so dashingly handsome with all the grays. We have built the most amazing love over the past 14 years. Okay, I had my pity party, now let’s pick up, find some good and continue on. Josh is pure good. He will not be happy with me for posting about how amazing he is but he is so awesome that he will get over it and love me anyway. I could go on for hours and hours about how amazing he is but I love him and will stop here… no promises on another day though… :) 

Okay, keep finding good Tara Lynn… 

it is only 1 more day until the surgeon visit

M&D currently have 7 extra people in addition to my family of 6 sharing their address so there is always something going on. Quiet isn’t my friend right now and it isn’t quiet here often:)

A lot has advanced in the last 12 years in the GBM world and I may get to take advantage of new treatments

Josh will make sure I get the best treatment possible

I have 4 healthy, happy kids who love me. 

I have Josh

I have family

I have you, my army. 

I have a healthy body right now… no more moping, get up, have fun, make memories, laugh, eat, play,

I have so much. Let’s leave the fretting for tomorrow morning and enjoy today. 

There, I feel better. Thanks for processing with me. I know I posted last time and just walked away. I needed time away, so I took it. Know that I read every comment. I feel loved and supported. I have looked into printing the blog and I think it is an investment worth doing. There is an option to include comments so I went back and reread most comments from the first go around. It is humbling. I think I will include them in the printing. You are such a big party of my journey. We can do this. I am ready to fight. 

Here is my head, do what you need to it… here are my veins, poke when needed and Walgreens is my pharmacy… send me the drugs… I will take them. I am ready. Let’s go.