Dear Anonymous

Back to our nightly routine. Josh logs on 10 minutes to 8 to start working... he is habitually early and I come here to my happy place, my safe space where I can let it all out. Kids are in bed, water bottle filled, meds taken, diffuser on, Pellegrino open, Goo Goo Dolls is playing in the background.. the day Celine gets back in will be a momentous day. I know when that day will come, it has to, when I embrace this but I am not ready yet. Let's get that path report so we can know exactly what we are dealing with.

Dear anonymous, I read your comments every night but I don't know who you are and I can't figure out how to respond to your messages. Sign your names. I like connecting. It was quite a feat to get to the end of that last novel...congrats. I will try to keep this shorter but you never know with me...:) This is my journey and you are invited to ride along but I remind myself that this my therapy, my safe space. I can be 100% Tara.. take me as I am... a  stubborn, longwinded, piece of work:)

Focus Tara Lynn...diet. 

When we met with Kris Smith he spent a nice portion of the appointment talking about the ketogenic diet. Not your Instagram keto diet... a medical ketosis. He told us the science behind it and explained that he believes in it so much that he follows it even though he doesn't have a GBM. In non-brain peoples vocab... pretty much you starve the cancer so new growth hypothetically can't grow and maybe the current crap in my brain could die if it looses its energy source. Sweet, let's do it but how? He gave me a 2 page piece of paper front and back with a name an number on the top of a Dietician to help me with nutrition. Tracey Smith... he told us she is his wife. Suspicion rose.. conflict on interest? Whatever.. if it could help, let's do it. It can't hurt right? So I make the phone call, she is pleasant enough and we meet at a park to talk about it. On the 3rd page of the packet it lists a $399 test that has to be run amongst other things that need to be done to "participate". I was extremely hesitant but definitely curious and willing to try. 

South of the Boat rentals at Tempe Town Lake. We meet and talked for over two hours taking notes, asking questions and trying to understand everything... Thankfully I have tried a few diets to loose weight and be healthier so a lot of the food tracking and macro stuff it didn't go over my head but I kept looking at Josh, wondering what he was thinking...is this girl for real? Does she know her stuff or is she one of those people that overqualifies themselves (don't think that is a word...it is now).  This isn't about loosing 20 pounds...this is about saving my life. I need her to be legit and if you were born in my decade...yes... too legit to quit. 

It all made sense to me. It all seemed right and good but I don't know all the science... 20% of it was going over my head. I don't know how the body processes every chemical and Josh doesn't know how to count macros our what net carbs are but together we both decided that she was not a fake and she knows her stuff. She was amazing. She told me I didn't need the $400 test at this point and might not if I can get into ketosis.  At the end of the appointment when we tried to pay her "Oh no, I don't charge any of my husbands patients". Yea, woman is for real and she just wants to help other people. She is a "pay it forward" type of person. They met in a science class at BYU, she studying to be a dietician and he obviously doing pre-med. They did the 500 year path to get to be a successful neruo surgeon and had kids along the way. When their kids were grown she went on a mission with her husband to destroy Glioblastomas. Her mission led me to her and she doesn't know it yet but we are besties. 

Okay this diet is hard core. Goal is to get into medical ketosis. It means finger pricks and special food, resisting food and making food. I spend 80% of my day either thinking, making or shopping for food. Smith said feeding myself would be a full time job...yea mmmhmm... have you met me?? I am super productive and efficient... when I want to be of course. I bet this won't be that hard. There are a million Instagramers who do it...This won't be that hard...bring it. Yea...ummm I was dead wrong. The resisting isn't that hard right now. I see sugar and carbs and see cancer... like I said, this is not about loosing 20 pounds. My motivation is sky high. 

The list of things I cannot have is longer than the list of things I can but I am doing it.. Cheese and all dairy is on the no list but I am all in. No looking back...No, I will not have another peanut butter cup and yes, last year I did the candy deal... that is another post...all it means is that I have not had any candy since last year... this overlapped conveniently didn't it?! Moving on. 70% fat …good fat... not your normal fat. 25% protein of course, special protein...more protein than that will break down as sugar, of course it will... and 5% carbs. 

Green vegetables and oil are my friends. She told me to cook 2 eggs in 4 tablespoons of grass-fed butter. and then put more oil on the top... ummm my teeth are slimy...I can't... it is toomuvh butter.. too much oil.. too much. I cant...wait yes I can, and I will! I did. Friends I have cooked all the instructed veggies... the green beans and brussel sprouts in the air fryer and per instructions.. poured all the oil over my meal and then added a tablespoons of raw oil to it!!! I have cooked spinach into my eggs...still struggling with that one. I have eaten all the things and easily said no to the rest. I am doing it! I am drinking more than half my body weight in ounces of water...I feel like I am drinking the neighborhoods body weight in ounces but I did it. Tonight I took a ketosis test... and I AM IN KETOSIS. My body is creating ketones and I am fighting. I do not have to wait until the biopsy and path report. I don't have to only take poison to fight! I can and I will. I am!!!! Yay  Tara Lynn... Keep going. 

Love you all you anonymous friends!

Until tomorrow. 

Tara