i am back! :) Venting Sessions and Best Sunday Ever!

Here I am, I do not know why I have not written... pinterest maybe? out of the habit? regardless all bad excuses and I am back. We had good news from the doc last week as my mother has probably updated. The cruise is most likely going to happen!!!! We solved the mystery of the missing passport and they are all safely in one place now. Let me get straight to the point of all my worries for the upcoming cruise that I cannot address to my mother directly so I will do so thusly. (now that is a word)

Can I swim?
-reasons this is in question
     1. I  am just under 5 foot 8 and now weight 127 and I assure you that none of it is muscle...that cannot be a healthy swimming body...I am going to need some serious flotation device and since we are not going to be checking any bags....I do not think I will have room in my carry-on for every thing I need for 9 days and a few life jackets! :)
     2. I am no longer "half bald" but I would say I am still 1/3 bald. Any ideas on that one to keep the sun off while swimming but I cannot have anything that will be tight....ahhh.
     3. Will I be healed? Eternal optimist mom says yes...I sure hope yes and we all know what Smith will say but what will my head say?
    4. Port. Port. Port. Port. Port. Port. Port. Mom if you are reading this can you please call Terry and every other  surgeon you know so we can get this wonderful thing out!
           *****Dear readers...as you may be able to tell I am in an extremely sarcastic mood and I do need to clarify one thing. I do wish to get my port out right now but if anyone ever asked me whether or not they should get a port I would say yes without a hesitation if they are to have any long term treatment. I have loved my port and it has helped with a lot of anxiety especially when it came to needs for me. I cherished my port when I needed it and now I just do not need it anymore. I just do not want people to think they are bad and not suggest them to people because I wanted mine out so bad. Okay...enough for the lengthy disclaimer.

So yes I have had 6 brain surgeries. I was kidding with my Josh a while ago and I told him that we would just have as many kids as we did surgeries! The doctors told me that my chemo would kill my eggs and of course I decided to shut my ears and say "la la la" when they said that. Instead I decided that for every time they cut em open I would be blessed with a baby! :) Ummm I think we need to slow down on the surgeries. 6 should suffice but be thy will.  My Aunt Juls said 6 is her lucky number so this has to be it. Sorry Rachel and Nate and whoever else loved 5...I think Julie has it! :) I hope she does.

So this whole treatment thing has kinda sorta...well taken all my muscles away from me. Me and miss Julian (hard core trainer on video tape for those of you who do not know) need to have some serious dates before this cruise or I am serious concerned I may die! :) We need to get down to business. No more of this " Now Tara you are going to have stitches or feel pain or nausea or get light headed and freeze or seize or feel tried all the time or lay in bed." No I am ready to go. Get this port out. Take me off the 20.0000 medicines that all have the same 4 yellow stickers that tell me "do not to operate heavy machinery","use cation when driving", "do not drink alcohol, may increase severity" and "may cause drowsiness"  They all tell me that I am a tired drunk and I am sick of it! Done to all of them.     Wow now this has turned into a venting session....I do need to blog more often! :) Sorry if this is getting boring...it is good for me. I understand if you have stopped reading.

If you have prevailed, today was a wonderful Sunday. I was very nervous about going to church in a new ward (news flash we moved again if you did not know) I have been in the same ward pretty much my whole life. It was really scary for me. I said a few prayers of course and Heavenly Father is looking out for me as usual. He sent me a new angel to get to know. I went home and just cried I was so happy to have a friend to have at church. Someone to sit by and talk to. She even has a baby boy she let me hold for a little. Each night I pray that one day Heavenly Father will allow me to be a mother to a precious son or daughter of  His. I have this new pinterest thing where I go look at cool ideas and I will not let myself go look at baby things in fear that I will never have one of my own but what is fear. Tonight after my Scripture study I am going to go crazy on pinterest finding cute ideas for my future full family :) I am going to let myself dream and hope and picture myself holding my baby in my arms wrapped in the blanket I made her. Heavenly Father knows I can be a mother. I can dream. I will dream. Last year I picked out fabric for a little girls quilt....my first daughters name is Kate. I want to start Kate's quilt. My fear of not having children has made me not want to start that quilt. I know fear is of the devil. I need to start that quilt. I need to start that quilt. Heavenly Father knows much much more than doctors. I will start that quilt.

I am back.
Tara