It feels so good to feel good.

Hey all it is me here! Yes me I know surprise surprise. I know that my mother has been updating a bit on what has been going on lately but now it is my turn from my mouth/fingers... whatever

So my friend asked me if I had heard this song this morning.  

 I'm Gonna Love You Through It. 

She told me that it reminded her of Josh and I. :) 

This video to me reminds me not only of Josh but my own family, wards, bloggers, and friends. You have all loved me though this. If you did not believe in miracles...you should now. If you are still hesitant feel free to just come on by and see me. I am a crazy lunatic!...just like before. Everyone is noticing and let me assure you...I am too. It has been more than two weeks now that I have been able to look people in the eyes and say "I am doing well, so very well" when they ask me how I am doing. There is no pretending...no putting on the happy face...no shoving food down just to try to eat. I am me. I am back and it feels good. I know that previously I may have mentioned that I felt better than ever and I thought that I was feeling what normal was...WRONG! Now I know what it is like. I feel like I am pre-chemo, pre-radiation, and pre- tumor...It amazes me still to wake up and not have a headache. I cannot believe how many nights I tried to sleep like that only knowing that the next morning I was bound to wake up in pain. Now I wake up to a beautiful alarm clock!!! Josh thinks that it is annoying but I do not know if he has been woken up because of pain before. I am just so happy I turn that baby all the way up and then get to push snooze!!! What a treat! There was no snoozing from tumor pain...no sleeping though or going back to sleep. I seriously am so grateful for the way I was able to wake up this morning. 

It all feels like a dream...dad says nightmare. It is the most vivid dream I have ever had and I am grateful for that. Had I not remembered how horrid it was to climb the stairs at work I probably would have been really mad at the stubbed toe I got instead of grateful that I got to skip up them two by two. I am feeling so well. I want to clean, I want to work, ride my bike, do the dishes, run errands, and sweep the patios... and guess what...I get to. I have a body who now says it is okay to do all these things. Saturdays chores...I know why I loathed them...I did not know what it was like without them. Now I know, Now I want to do them. Dishes...I got to take a turn the other night...not sure if mom wrote this or not. She told me that it was not my night so I did not have to do them...it was not my turn...I then assured her that it had not been "my night" for over a year and a half and that it was okay...I could take a turn...I have a lot of making up to do. I get up and down and out of bed like a pro and sometimes make Josh help me just cause...not cause I need it. 

Okay back on the subject of my Joshua and all of you. Let this be part of a thank you. I watched that video and heard the lyrics and seriously saw myself with my own personal angels carrying me though. I know that I did not endure this trial alone...I took the whole neighborhood and parts of other countries with me. You will never know how grateful I am for that. I hope that one day I can show you how grateful I am...because guess what...I can. You all have served me just by reading, or visiting the page. I know that you check and that makes me so happy. I am one very happy girl. I am so grateful for where I am right now. I had a lot of hope that one day this day would come...that I would be able to be here and feel good too. That I would have motion is all arms and legs...all little toes to. 

I am looking healthier according to everyone who has seen me at different stages...I guess it is my skin and my countenance. No more pretending I feel good. No more making myself feel good. I straight up, literally feel good and let me tell you.... It feels so good to feel good.

Hopefully now I have a better understanding of trials and how people really need to be loved though their trials. It is not a "it is nice to be loved"... no I consider it a "need". I know that I 100% needed it. I want to love those around me through their trials because I know...they are going to need it too.

We have Tara back!

Becky again...

Still holding our breath, afraid to say Tara is feeling better because we don't want to be hit over the head with a 2 x 4 again...

Yesterday, Tara showed up at my house to help ME with cleaning (instead of the other way around).  She swept the front porch with a vengeance, and I couldn't get her to stop doing dishes and getting every single item OFF my kitchen counters.  In her own words, she admitted that she hasn't felt this good since before surgery.  She wants to do "Jillian" every day and we had to restrain her from trying to exercise after she had cleaned for a few hours.  I have to say for the past 1 1/2 years, I pretty much have had Tara over here for dinner on a semi-regular basis (Lori Bodrero has her the other half of the time) and I usually do the dishes while Tara rests after dinner.  Often Josh would pitch in and help; but most of the time Tara was just too tired.  As we were trying to get her to stop cleaning the kitchen so we could go visit Stephanie & Brigham (who returned from being in NYC for a month) she said it was "her turn" to do the dishes and that she had had a 1 1/2 year break and now it was her turn!

Scott said yesterday that he doesn't feel like he can ask the Lord for anything in our prayers; our blessing list is so long! Some of you may have an idea what it is like to "get your child back" well, for now at least, Tara is back and we are completely enjoying the miracle.  She is back, a deeper, emotionally stronger, Tara.  This experience has changed us all; we will never ever take life for granted ever again.  We truly appreciate each day that Tara feels good - it's like a huge breath of fresh air descending on us.  Remember the scripture in 2 Nephi that talks about opposition and how you have to know the bitter to appreciate the sweet?  We're appreciating the sweet!

Life is good - house is clean & ready for the wedding.  All that is left is to put pictures in frames, run some extension cords, buy some groceries for the throng that will descend upon us, and enjoy Rachel and all our visitors!

Love you all!

Becky

Holding our Breath

Becky here...

I noticed Tara hasn't posted in a long time; so I'm going to update you all.  I, for one, am holding my breath.  Can I really say that Tara has felt good for 2 weeks in a row?  I don't think that has happened for over 18 months, truly.  It's scary to say she's feeling better; because in the past when we say that, something happens!!  Here are signs to me that Tara is doing better:

I don't see her as much (I quite honestly, miss her; but am SO glad she is able to live her life!)  In other words, we aren't at doctor's office constantly, she isn't here in Nate's dark room trying to make her head stop spinning or hurting or just feeling lousy in general, and she's at work instead of hanging out with me:(

She had her biggest 2 week paycheck since May of 2010.  That means she showed up at work on a regular basis.

She rode bikes with Josh 3 miles to his parent's house and back!  That's a total of 6 miles!

She smiles more

She doesn't bust into tears while trying to play the piano as often.  She has struggled with the use of her left arm - we're not sure why - somewhere in the midst of the 5 subsequent surgeries, chemo, and radiation, some cognitive traits are a little off.  One of them is the brain telling her left arm what to do.  That makes piano difficult.  She said she has to "look" at her hand to tell it what to do instead of just sending the message from the brain down there.  Weird.  Dr. Shapiro has no reasons for this - just "oh, maybe chemo, surgeries, radiation...  After the first initial tumor removal in May 2010; everything about Tara still worked properly.  Her dad gave her a pep talk and reminded Tara that some people have to learn to walk and talk again; all she has to do is work her left hand and re-learn some piano again (and work on some math skills and reading out loud).  As she was practicing last week, she got excited (for all you musical readers out there) that her hand could "feel" what the interval from an octave to a fifth was again.  That's progress!  So, when I'm tempted to whine (which I do much more than Tara does) we have to remember that Tara can work at these things and regain abilities back again.

She has some friends to have date nights with and loves it!  Some sweet new friends of hers in the new ward had a little celebration on her last chemo pill night.  They had pizza together and played games.  She felt rotten that day (due to the chemo) but rallied and wasn't going to miss this party from her friends.  It really helped (I think) distract her from her sickness.  She even took her pills with her so she could take them there and stay longer to play games!

She told Scott, "yes, please" when he asked her if she was ready for a ride to work this morning instead of a different sort of text resembling "yes" "I don't feel good" "can't, I have doctors".

So, those are my signs.  I'm so glad she's happy.  I told her that Josh is probably enjoying having a wife who isn't sick every day. I don't really know how her legs are... she doesn't complain.

We did have a struggle with seizure meds this past month. She's starting a new med which will replace the med which makes her lose her appetite.  So, she was "overmedicated" for awhile and she was acting somewhat drunk again with some loss of function in her arm, balance, and thinking.  Thankfully, she seems to be getting used to the medication.  I dream of the day when she's only on one seizure med.   I pray the seizures stay away so the meds can be regulated.  Her last seizure was New Year's Day; but she had a small one last month which she was able to control without meds.  (Prayer and holding her arm down and breathing deeply sent it away!)  Our prayers also include the constant prayer that the tumor be rebuked and STAY AWAY.  Next MRI is March 7th; and we will continue these scans every 2 months.

Now, we have a wedding at this house in 6 days!!! If you want to see cute pictures of Rachel and Nate; check out her blog at rachelschlappi.blogspot.com. Yes, we will have 2 Nates in the Schlappi family.  Rachel calls her brother, Nate, "little Nate" now which I'm not to sure he likes too well:)  Happiness is in this home.  Ryan, Stephanie, and Brig have been gone since the first of January; but Steph & Brig come back in a few days to help light life up around here!  I have missed that grandson of mine. (and his parents)  Ryan & Travis fly in for the wedding; as well as many other family members.  It will be PARTY TIME and I am so glad we paid a decorator and a food person; so I can enjoy all the people and events around here!  All is done except placing pictures in frames, cleaning the house, stringing extension cords to lights, and touching up the yard one more time.  I even painted the deck doors and walls that Casey destroyed. (dog)

Another really happy thing is happening around here - Jerod's mission papers are going to be submitted the day of Rachel's wedding!  Jerod is an amazing example of strength for all of us.  He's had some challenges lately; but his mission papers are going in on schedule. Go, Jerod!!!  He has been a blessing in our home as well. We will miss him when he leaves in June.

So, we're getting through our days and most definitely counting our blessings.   I pray every single day for Tara's life and every single day am grateful she is here with us.  I look at life so differently now.  I can't project into the future; I have to take each day by itself and enjoy it.  I can project to SATURDAY, however!

Love you all!

Becky