Well I will not take back what I said earlier about how good I fell but I am experiencing a tiny bump... I think I may be passing a kidney stone or a have ridiculous bladder infection. I am happy to know that both those things that normal people would experience cancer or no cancer. Happy to update that I am still working on becoming normal. :) Josh even brought up the idea of going to Disneyland for spring break. It is where we were going to go for our honeymoon but were unable to make it...I made a radiation mask for my head instead. Since surgery 1 the idea of a roller coaster...even the kiddy ones just scared my head. The thought of it about cracked my head open but yesterday Josh was talking about it and I started to smile from the inside out. My heart felt okay with it and that led to the beginning of a smile on my face and then when my brain started to be kinda okay with the idea I had no choice but to let out a full fledged smile!
My head still has told me "no" on the crazy rides that whip you around but I am thinking yes on the kiddy rides and the idea of walking around the whole day. I think I can walk around the whole day and watch the parade and then finish with the fireworks! I think my head is ready to be normal again....or maybe my head has been ready but my fears are starting to subdue. The docs have said that my head is plenty strong and I am able to do what I want! Smith assured me that my head is even water-proof now that the skin looks amazing. They have said yes, but me has said no for a long time. I have the fear of ending up back in a hospital bed and I have been there and done that, tasted the bitter to know the good... and I know what I want and the hospital bed in not in that picture so I try to avoid things that could possibly lead me there. So I have this fear...rightfully so yeah? Been working on it though.
There have been a few times these months that I have had times to gain confidence in my head. I take baths and submerge my head only to dry my hair and stare in awe of the beautiful scar that is still beautifully intact and together...no silly holes! Then gaining head confidence with an AMAZING horseback ride (I will not go off on how much I love horses now...just know that I love love love love love them...to the point where I would give up all chocolate and ICE CREAM!!! just to go on a ride and I love me some chocolate and ice cream...it's a big deal) So back to the picture...I was lucky enough to ride and decided to go out on the edge and ride without a helmet and was able to let my pretty Lexi take me for a ride that consisted of more than just a slow cautious walk. I guess that day has boosted my head confidence further because since then I have been a little less cautious about combing my hair and I went to a very dusty rodeo (Lehi Days) and was able to not have to worry about anything other than a sunburn on my bald spot. Now I am going so far as to consider kiddy rides??? What is going on? Ha, I can't wait until I get to read this in 30 years and show my kids...they will think I am such a wimp. :) So in the end... my brain and I have decided that we are fully confident that it would be okay to Disneyland this Spring Break!!!! :) So we may be headed to the second happiest place on earth! (They obviously do not know what it is like to be around all my best friends and family) The journey back to what I think normal is continues! :)
Princess Tara
PS. if anyone knows of good deals for tickets or hotels just email me @ tarabodrero@gmail.com
PSS Kristine Elise Please email me too. I would love to hear more and meet you.
