We finally have a plan.

Man, did we waver… back and forth after talking to each doctor. The decision we made was an incredibly hard one but we both feel it is the correct choice. 

Lobectomy- Dr. Smith is going in again. (If you have been counting, it is  brain surgery #9). He is going to take out my right occipital lobe and hopefully all the cancer in it. Smith is going to be aggressive. This will take my left peripheral vision but my left leg and memory should be fine. I went to the zoo today and walked around a lot! You all can call me an air head…I will be missing a lot more of that right side of my brain but I should function okay! Josh can still love me and I can still momma my babies. 

Brachytherapy- radiation delivered straight to the cells instead of beam therapy (which is what I had last time). Smith will create a cavity by resecting brain tissue and then will fill it with the brachytherapy seeds. 

It is a big surgery but we’re hoping this aggressive approach will pay off… we’re playing the long game over here. 

I think we have driven all the doctors crazy this week. We had Smith call us personally in NM and then Kennedy and Yoo did the same. A week later we had in person visits hashing out all the same stuff again. We had different doctors telling us different things to do and we were stuck in the middle choosing between them all! It was incredibly stressful but we have reached a decision. As we called to tell the doctors we weren’t going through with their plans we were met with plenty of kick back but the truth is, what they are currently doing, isn’t working… it isn’t so we are going to Ty something new… this is not protocol but Smith firmly believes this will be protocol in coming years. There is so much more that has gone on this week…I could write a book but am don’t want to over do my eyes/processing power. 

So yes, I am having surgery and yes I am having radiation…just delivered a different method. 

Yes to the chemo…that will hopefully start March 9th. 

Yes to the opting cap… that will start March 9th.    https://www.optune.com/recently-diagnosed/get-to-know-optune

Yes to me having a better attitude. I don’t want to waste a day.

YES to Josh being here. LOVE him. 

YES to my kidlets here!! 

Surgery is the 16th. ( I could go on and on about the date but I will let you off early.)

Let’s quit while I am ahead and seizure free. 

If I am doing well Ill share our fellowship update tomorrow. 

Love, Me

Let's take this slow.

 Holy cow I am slow. No swapping out keyboards because I am typing too fast too loud. my brain is firing on all cylinders but my fingers... are not. Hopefully that comes back soon too. my right hand is okay but this left friend, is struggling. 

Okay, let's start at tghe beginning and be more honest than most care to know. my pinky keeps going rouge and pushing the cpas button.... that's frustrating...hey, at least I hWE a Working pinky...I am not fixing that....you can read through it:). 

Pre op, I cried. There was progression, significant progression. two massive thumbs down. Smith was kind and was extra aggressive. for me. I blame the cruise desserts I continuously ordered. I am doing mental sprials constantly. WHEN I LOSE....PINKY....ehrn i close my eyes I can see the extra spots. I trty... shott this is hard. Keep trying Tara Lynn. When I close my eyes I see them. I have to keep blinking to my post op scan that has nice light saber looking lines through them. That is what I envision when I think of LITT therapy...just in there burning the tar out of all the cancer. When he looked in the microscope during surg he did see an active cancer cell. We are dealing with cancer...no hopes of a random occurrence anymore:(

My left arm (Fingers mostly) is struggling a little.

My left leg is numb in areas but I can still walk...,y leg drags a little but I think with time, i can learn to walk normal again. The kids loved  my electric cart at Walmart. I was telling Addie I felt silly for riding in one becuase I didn't look like I needed one... GraNT interrupted with  a'Mom, you have blood on your head in the front and back"...maybe I didn't belong on an electric cart...I belonged at home...hope I didn't scared the people of Walmart. I don't like feeling like a patient and wanted to get out though...I hate being left behind. 

So yes I look like I have been though the ringer and feel like but I have hope that I can return to my obnoxious self. THIS TYPING IS HARD AND YES I CLICKED THAT CAPS BUTTON!  I do have a mark from where they screwed me to the table and two cuts with stitches on my scalp. Other than that, I look fine. My eye... Smith Double-tripled checked when I said I could see out my left eye. It is amazing, he was most definitely surprised. Ah this is getting hard... dizzy...only right hand for now...  

we have oncology on monday morning. phone visit. treatment to follow. love you alll... can"t sit here... 

goodmight.

Family Fast.

 I am sitting here with my pre op bracelet on, index finger burning from my 4pm prick (mental note, don’t prick right before typing time) and stomach full. My goodness I eat a lot! When the eating window is open I am pounding food/ oils. I am getting better at the oils and my body doesn’t love them yet but it is supposed to adjust…hopefully that happens soon. TMI, move on Tara. 

We are fasting as a family tomorrow as a family and since you’re all pretty much family I wanted to invite you. Mom has been asking me to put this on here for a week but it just feels so weird to ask people to fast for me. I decided to swallow my pride and ask for it. If you would like, please keep my situation in your thoughts, prayers, and fasting tomorrow. Fasting is a part of our religion. Usually we do it monthly on the first Sunday. We’re invited to go without food for 24 hours snd it is always accompanied with prayer. We fast and pray for specific things. Tomorrow we will have Dr. Smith and my brain especially in our prayers.   I will have a biopsy on the table and hopefully they can see if is is cancerous before the LITT it up. 

I had all my pre op stuff done yesterday. We tried to get a CD of my scan so Josh could read it before but they did not copy it correctly and Josh could not open it. He is struggling not knowing what it looks like but we don’t have to wait much longer. 

Almost there. 

Keto update. 

I am totally rocking this! I am getting deeper and deeper in ketosis and my blood glucose is doing amazing. I have been 100% strict and it is working. I am so happy about it. It tastes better than chemo and I feel pretty good on the diet. All good things on the diet front. I have awkwardly sniffed Josh’s food on a handful of times… definitely not to the point where I don’t want it anymore:). 

I am inviting you to skip sugar next time you’re offered. You’re brain will thank you. You don’t have to do the Tara diet…this is my medicine but all could benefit from fewer carbs:) 

The count down is really on. Woah, biopsy is so soon. Deep breathes. In…out…you’ve got this Tara Lynn. 

I am here.

 Last night I packed my bags. My heart sunk a little as I made sure to get hospital stuff like socks and chapstick. Logistically my brain started freaking out about how I was going to feed myself while in the hospital but I tabled that freak out… One thing at a time. One week from today my Dr. Smith date will be over. It wont be a big deal…just one stitch but… yes, he’ll be digging deep in my brain. We will only do LITT if we feel like it is cancerous so technically there’s a chance we won’t do it but I always prepare for the worst/hardest and hope for the best…we will see. There is still a chance this is all nothing.. come on Tara… we have made a really big deal if it is nothing. No docs actually think it is nothing… it is growing in size and number but there I guess there is a chance… oh well… continue on.  we are going in Monday morning. We should know more soon after. 

The first thing I saw walking off the plane was a big Barrow’s brain cancer banner… that slapped me right in the face…brain tumor time… at least I am in the right place:). 

I came a few days early without kids to do a mini girls trip/ Costco sewing party. For the record. I beat Rachel and Mom at Cities and Knights! The fridge is now green and the oil stock over here is full. It is time. My stomach is still adjusting to the oils but it is getting easier. It is just a big learning curve. 

Anyway, I am here, let’s do this. 

Tara Lynn

Dear Anonymous

Back to our nightly routine. Josh logs on 10 minutes to 8 to start working... he is habitually early and I come here to my happy place, my safe space where I can let it all out. Kids are in bed, water bottle filled, meds taken, diffuser on, Pellegrino open, Goo Goo Dolls is playing in the background.. the day Celine gets back in will be a momentous day. I know when that day will come, it has to, when I embrace this but I am not ready yet. Let's get that path report so we can know exactly what we are dealing with.

Dear anonymous, I read your comments every night but I don't know who you are and I can't figure out how to respond to your messages. Sign your names. I like connecting. It was quite a feat to get to the end of that last novel...congrats. I will try to keep this shorter but you never know with me...:) This is my journey and you are invited to ride along but I remind myself that this my therapy, my safe space. I can be 100% Tara.. take me as I am... a  stubborn, longwinded, piece of work:)

Focus Tara Lynn...diet. 

When we met with Kris Smith he spent a nice portion of the appointment talking about the ketogenic diet. Not your Instagram keto diet... a medical ketosis. He told us the science behind it and explained that he believes in it so much that he follows it even though he doesn't have a GBM. In non-brain peoples vocab... pretty much you starve the cancer so new growth hypothetically can't grow and maybe the current crap in my brain could die if it looses its energy source. Sweet, let's do it but how? He gave me a 2 page piece of paper front and back with a name an number on the top of a Dietician to help me with nutrition. Tracey Smith... he told us she is his wife. Suspicion rose.. conflict on interest? Whatever.. if it could help, let's do it. It can't hurt right? So I make the phone call, she is pleasant enough and we meet at a park to talk about it. On the 3rd page of the packet it lists a $399 test that has to be run amongst other things that need to be done to "participate". I was extremely hesitant but definitely curious and willing to try. 

South of the Boat rentals at Tempe Town Lake. We meet and talked for over two hours taking notes, asking questions and trying to understand everything... Thankfully I have tried a few diets to loose weight and be healthier so a lot of the food tracking and macro stuff it didn't go over my head but I kept looking at Josh, wondering what he was thinking...is this girl for real? Does she know her stuff or is she one of those people that overqualifies themselves (don't think that is a word...it is now).  This isn't about loosing 20 pounds...this is about saving my life. I need her to be legit and if you were born in my decade...yes... too legit to quit. 

It all made sense to me. It all seemed right and good but I don't know all the science... 20% of it was going over my head. I don't know how the body processes every chemical and Josh doesn't know how to count macros our what net carbs are but together we both decided that she was not a fake and she knows her stuff. She was amazing. She told me I didn't need the $400 test at this point and might not if I can get into ketosis.  At the end of the appointment when we tried to pay her "Oh no, I don't charge any of my husbands patients". Yea, woman is for real and she just wants to help other people. She is a "pay it forward" type of person. They met in a science class at BYU, she studying to be a dietician and he obviously doing pre-med. They did the 500 year path to get to be a successful neruo surgeon and had kids along the way. When their kids were grown she went on a mission with her husband to destroy Glioblastomas. Her mission led me to her and she doesn't know it yet but we are besties. 

Okay this diet is hard core. Goal is to get into medical ketosis. It means finger pricks and special food, resisting food and making food. I spend 80% of my day either thinking, making or shopping for food. Smith said feeding myself would be a full time job...yea mmmhmm... have you met me?? I am super productive and efficient... when I want to be of course. I bet this won't be that hard. There are a million Instagramers who do it...This won't be that hard...bring it. Yea...ummm I was dead wrong. The resisting isn't that hard right now. I see sugar and carbs and see cancer... like I said, this is not about loosing 20 pounds. My motivation is sky high. 

The list of things I cannot have is longer than the list of things I can but I am doing it.. Cheese and all dairy is on the no list but I am all in. No looking back...No, I will not have another peanut butter cup and yes, last year I did the candy deal... that is another post...all it means is that I have not had any candy since last year... this overlapped conveniently didn't it?! Moving on. 70% fat …good fat... not your normal fat. 25% protein of course, special protein...more protein than that will break down as sugar, of course it will... and 5% carbs. 

Green vegetables and oil are my friends. She told me to cook 2 eggs in 4 tablespoons of grass-fed butter. and then put more oil on the top... ummm my teeth are slimy...I can't... it is toomuvh butter.. too much oil.. too much. I cant...wait yes I can, and I will! I did. Friends I have cooked all the instructed veggies... the green beans and brussel sprouts in the air fryer and per instructions.. poured all the oil over my meal and then added a tablespoons of raw oil to it!!! I have cooked spinach into my eggs...still struggling with that one. I have eaten all the things and easily said no to the rest. I am doing it! I am drinking more than half my body weight in ounces of water...I feel like I am drinking the neighborhoods body weight in ounces but I did it. Tonight I took a ketosis test... and I AM IN KETOSIS. My body is creating ketones and I am fighting. I do not have to wait until the biopsy and path report. I don't have to only take poison to fight! I can and I will. I am!!!! Yay  Tara Lynn... Keep going. 

Love you all you anonymous friends!

Until tomorrow. 

Tara

Surgeon Update... sorry it's long...

 Okay, we met with Dr, Smith.

Pre surg scan on the 20th and biopsy on the 23rd. 

Now onto my therapeutic rambling. 

Meet with Kris Smith on Tuesday.. He knows his stuff and we feel he is the right man to do it. I was a little bugged that he only mentioned 2 of the spots and not the rest... when we discussed this he said we could do a full surgery instead of a biopsy but we are already dancing far too close to my optic nerve. There is a chance that I will lose my peripheral vision in my left eye already but opening up and taking more of the lobe increases the chances of further damage. We will do LITT therapy on the biggest two spots and then hopefully chemo takes care of the rest. Ahhh... I hate that word right now. HOPEFULLY?!?! I don't want hopefully when it comes to tumors in my brain... I guess hopefully will have to do for now. humph.  We will know more when the path report comes back. It could take 5 business days...hopefully less...eww there is that word again. 

We still sent all the stuff to USCF and I went to tumor board there on Thursday... We anticipate hearing from them on Monday. My gut feels like Dr. Smith will do it.

The biopsy will not be a short procedure like we thought... I will be under for a while...a lot of the time I will be in machines.... the biopsy needle is tiny and doubles as the LITT administer-er...it is thre tool that does the LITT therapy. Anyway, They have to be super careful and I am all about long scans while I am under. 

The past 4 MRI's have been really hard on me physically and emotionally...mostly emotionally. I tend to cry a lot and get scared then my heart races and I start to breath heavy. Then I start to freak out because if I move at all, they have to do the sequence again which means more machine time which I don't love. I try to tell myself to freak out in my brain, not my heart/lungs, my eyes start pacing frantically looking in the mirror for a count down clock to tell me the sequence is almost over but the 3T scanner I have been in recently, doesn't have a count down clock. So I try to find the tech, anyone...is this almost over?? Can I get out of here? My arms are numb, the back of my head is in pain and the contrast they just injected makes all my teeth feel like they are being pushed out from the inside, my arm with the IV is on fire and I just want it over but if I push that button, if I squeeze that ball, it isn't over, it just starts from the beginning...I can't stop now, "I am Tara Bodrero, I can do hard things. It is almost over Tara Lynn (why am I shaking typing this?) don't stop now. In through your nose, out through your mouth but don't open your jaw...you CAN do this!!" By this point my jaw is clenched shut, my eyes too. After a few deep breaths and I open my eyes. Josh is there!!! He is in the window!!! I can see him!!! I will be okay, Josh is with me. heart rate and breathing slow. I feel peace, feel calm, I feel okay, I feel love. He loves me, he will take care of me. By now I have tears dripping in my ears and dried to my face. (and yes I am crying just thinking about it and how much he loves me. I make it through and he meets me as I get out with a Josh hug that cannot be replicated. 

Josh. Amazing. Amazing that he ended up in radiology and can be there with me...well kinda with me, a window away. The techs can hear and see everything I do... I usually choose Celine Dion to have played in the headphones during the scan. When he walked in to the tech room they asked him, "Did your wife chose this or was it random?" to which he replied, "I have no doubt she chose this.". Celine and I are in a bit of a fight right now and it kinda triggers me a bit...still love her, just give it time. She won't be joining me in a machine anytime soon. Back to Josh :) 12 years ago, all he could do was google and even when he did, he didn't understand everything. Now, he knows it all. He understands everything and will make sure I get the best treatment out there. He has stared at those spots more than anyone and has access to a myriad of neuroradiologists from all over the country that he has looking at this. When I call to get an appointment or talk to someone I get the "your call will be returned in 24-48 hours" crap. He gets to press 1 and talk to someone immediately. I like my cute doctor representative.

My initial cancer diagnosis sent us on the med school route. We must have been unimaginably naïve... Tara has cancer, doctors say she doesn't have long and it will be hard...great... let's embark on a 10+ year journey that will be filled with exceptionally hard years while going through it... Come-on!! We did that plus a surprise baby, 3 more planned babies, and now have 18 months left. Selfishly I feel like I have done a lot of the hard part...don't trip at the end girl! My heavens sake Tara Lynn...you have worked so hard... keep fighting and enjoy the fruits of your labors! 

I am on a few doctor-wives Facebook groups and they use the acronym IGB... it stands for It Gets Better. That phrase has always bothered me. Many women live for the day they are done, they live for the paycheck and the day they are done with training but in the end, it doesn't get better...they didn't enjoy the time going through and many end in divorce during the IGB time. Even if my time is up before the IGB time... I am happy here. I am happy with our home, our children, our community and by golly... I am happy with my spouse! I don't need him to be done and make more money...I am living my dream right here with my 4 kids they told me I would never have and an amazing husband that I cry regularly about because I love him so much. We have built such a great family, stacked the deck in our favor, chose the harder path over and over and over again to get here...We just drew a wild card and I would like to rip it up and burn it but unfortunately. that is not our lot. This will be the next year to 18 months of our lives and yes fellowship comes in June...we are supposed to be moving to Duke unsure if the treatments are working...why so many big kid decisions all at once??

No,  I am not done...! Josh just asked me if I was:). UNM has been amazing to him and gave him a workstation so he can stay home with me incase I need it. He has to work nights this week so I am trying to stay up a little and he can hear my keyboard typing away. I have to face another wall and can't see his screen for HIPPA stuff but he can hear my fingers  tip-typing away.  

I have started a new diet and have loads of thoughts and feelings about and would actually like advice but it is time to take my meds and go to sleep. My body needs sleep. Tomorrow we can talk about the diet. Love you all! Congrats on making it to the end. Thanks for fighting with me and making me feel loved. I do read everything and appreciate it all. 

Tara Lynn

Honesty

Welcome. Welcome to my. 5 am processing time.Luke started coughing at 4:45 and sleep hasn’t been my friend lately. My brain just won’t turn off. I lay in my bed and spiral. This morning instead of letting my tears silently soak my pillowcase, I got my booty out bed, grabbed a minky blanket and came here to process. We will see how it goes. Brutal, unfiltered, honestly where I get to feel what I feel. 

Today…again… I feel scared, panicked, and afraid. Part of the way I process is by letting myself go to the deepest, darkest place, to feel all the feels and then to try to build back up to hope. It has been a very rocky road this time. I try to build and the fear just shoves me right back down. 

Faith and fear can’t coexist. I am struggling… fear is winning and I just don’t have enough faith right now. Yesterday I lost it during the Sacrament hymn when the lyrics,  “ Yet, if thou wilt, I’ll drink it up. I’ve done the work thou gavest me,” came up… I lost it… I could not sing it. I am not there. I was the first go around… I really was. I AM NOT THERE right now. I know it is where I need to get to but I cannot right now. I will not accept any outcome. I need to be here with my babies. I will not accept leaving. Not right now. Truthfully, I don’t need to accept that right now because we are still wading in a ton of unknowns. We don’t know this will end in my nightmares… all we know is the next step is a biopsy to get a path report. I will meet with Kris Smith tomorrow to arrange the biopsy. Biopsy’s don’t scare me, meds don’t scare me, being excruciatingly ill, does not scare me… I welcome it… I will beg for them to make me as sick as possible! Leaving my babies, scares me. 

To all those dealing with a terminal illness, knocking at the same door. I feel you. I know what you are going through.  I know the all-encompassing pain that takes over controlling your breath and plunges you into a deep dark hole… physical pain can’t compare to the emotional pain that builds when processing this.  A few nights ago, Josh held me as the emotional pain took over again . He didn’t tell me everything would be okay, he didn’t tell me to be strong or to have faith…, he just held me and let me fall apart on his shoulder. No, this is not the first time it has happened…it’s the millionth… he just held me and let me cry. Who is holding him? Who is helping him in his sleepless nights? A few nights ago we both tossed and turned, each knowing what was on the others mind… it hurts that I don’t know how to help him. Don’t forget him. I do not know what he is going though, I don’t understand his pain, I do not know how to help him. Know he is struggling too and don’t forget him in your prayers, He is the greatest man I know. He  has been through so much. He is one of my rocks… who is his? He has got more gray hairs than most his age and vast majority of those hairs… are all mine… yes, our vocational training route has definitely contributed as well but most… are mine. It is a good thing he looks so dashingly handsome with all the grays. We have built the most amazing love over the past 14 years. Okay, I had my pity party, now let’s pick up, find some good and continue on. Josh is pure good. He will not be happy with me for posting about how amazing he is but he is so awesome that he will get over it and love me anyway. I could go on for hours and hours about how amazing he is but I love him and will stop here… no promises on another day though… :) 

Okay, keep finding good Tara Lynn… 

it is only 1 more day until the surgeon visit

M&D currently have 7 extra people in addition to my family of 6 sharing their address so there is always something going on. Quiet isn’t my friend right now and it isn’t quiet here often:)

A lot has advanced in the last 12 years in the GBM world and I may get to take advantage of new treatments

Josh will make sure I get the best treatment possible

I have 4 healthy, happy kids who love me. 

I have Josh

I have family

I have you, my army. 

I have a healthy body right now… no more moping, get up, have fun, make memories, laugh, eat, play,

I have so much. Let’s leave the fretting for tomorrow morning and enjoy today. 

There, I feel better. Thanks for processing with me. I know I posted last time and just walked away. I needed time away, so I took it. Know that I read every comment. I feel loved and supported. I have looked into printing the blog and I think it is an investment worth doing. There is an option to include comments so I went back and reread most comments from the first go around. It is humbling. I think I will include them in the printing. You are such a big party of my journey. We can do this. I am ready to fight. 

Here is my head, do what you need to it… here are my veins, poke when needed and Walgreens is my pharmacy… send me the drugs… I will take them. I am ready. Let’s go. 

Here we go again, time to assemble.

We’re back. My precious brain went to tumor board again today and… here we go again. We have been watching this area since April 25th. We were in a “wait and see” phase… now, we are in the “action” phase. Round 2 here we go…. 

I know part of my coping is being vulnerable… it is feeling all the feels and getting it all out. I’m dehydrated, tired, easily triggered and scared but I am going to do this. I am not going to give up. We are going to act fast, hard and with aggression. I have an amazing medical team and it is time to assemble my army again. You were here for me the first time, I gave you a decade break but it the time is now. I need you again. I need your prayers and support. We need it. My babies need me. My Josh needs me. WE need it. It is time to fight again. 

Next steps. 

Biopsy the first week of January. Kris Smith did 6 of my 7 previous surgeries and we are planning on him but we are still in contact with Dr. Berger who did my initial resection. After biopsy we will get the path report which will then tell us the next steps. I am anxious about the next steps but we will do it.  

I know I need an outlet. This blog helped me last time so we are giving it a try this time. This time is different though. This time is more… it hurts more, it affects more, it is just more everything. I’ve got 4 littles now. 4 perfect littles that need a momma, I am a good mom… I care so much for them. I need to be here for them. I just don’t want to die… give me chemo everyday all day but don’t take me from my littles. 

We Moved

I haven't been on here in years so I am assuming all followers have vanished so I can use this as a personal journal to keep. I am terrible at physically writing in a journal and seem to lose journals or I end up using them as shopping lists/ to do lists... hopefully I can keep my other lists of this  :) 

We moved! Last year we matched to Albuquerque, New Mexico in Radiology, Josh was over the moon and was so excited about matching to radiology. I was happy because we got to stay in Arizona for intern year and we lived in M&D's guest house to save money and for help while Josh was gone so much. I LOVED it! I loved living by M&D. It is where we brought Luke home and he learned to crawl and took his first steps. He loves M&D so much. He loved running though all the garages to go see "papa". He is learning to talk and he does this funny thing where it sounds like he is talking through his nose except when he is excited to see Dad. He runs to him and jumps in his lap. He knew right where the office was and always stopped to say hi. We would walk in through all the garages and yell Marco... sometimes we'd hear a Polo from the sewing room or Mom's office. I don't remember when it started but josh and I have been doing to Marco, Polo thing for a while and we used it a lot at M&D's. It was so fun to see the cousins a lot. They gather at M&D's and we lived there so it was always a party. I will cherish the time we spent in Arizona and am so glad we got to spend a year there before we came here. Rachel used to live here in ABQ (which is one reason I was excited to interview and potentially match here) but she moved back to Mesa. I am so glad I got to spend a year living close to her. There is nothing like a sister. I really want a sister for Addie but I don;t know if it is going to happen. My back has been so bad the last year and the thought of carrying another child doesn't sound very back friendly. We'll see.

Addie is 5 and going into Kindergarten...how do I have a 5 year old?? Crazy.  She's a pretty little girl but she had developed some...sass...I think she might get some from me but hopefully not this much! Girl... She is mostly sweet and we put a lot of responsibility on her. She helps a lot with the boys and is very independent. I am not worried about her going into kindergarten... she'll do fine...our house might fall apart though. 

We have already made a few friends here and a lot have kids close in age. I made a lot of really good friends at Midwestern but since then I haven't had any friends that were obligated to be nice to me because we are family. :) 

Since we have arrived we have met with friends frequently which makes my social heart very happy:) We walk to the Marshall's a lot and have already swapped babysitting for date nights. I think we are going to be very happy here in ABQ. Hopefully we can get Grant potty trained before we are finished with training in 4 years...kid...is...going...to...drive...me...crazy! I swear he spends half his day in time out for whining/ throwing fits. He is 3 years old and man...it is rough. I am sure every child is hard to potty train but Addie was COMPLETELY potty trained at 2.5. I have not worried a minute about her since then and Grant is struggling... I want to give up...and I have... but he doesn't want to... it is oh so much fun. 

We celebrated our 9th anniversary before we moved and I will be 30 next month. I honestly didn't think I would live this long... I thought I would be gone a long time a go. I rarely dreamed of living this long when I was first diagnosed but did sometimes let my mind dream of the day when I would have children and a home of my own. All my dreams have come true. I have 3 children and a beautiful home. Honestly, I love my life. There are hard long days but everyone has bad days. Sometimes I am grateful for the hard days...I am just glad to have more days...hard or easy. 

I was a Beehive adviser before we came here and it was one of the best experiences of my life. Those girls changed me. I learned so much about life and myself in those few months we had together. I miss them all. Wednesday nights are so quiet and I think I learned more than they did in our Sunday lessons. Oh man, they were not shy. Those girls were eager to share their thoughts and feelings and would always participate in the lessons. They were so good about being respectful and I know they were listening. I poured my heart out to those girls and I can testify that you do love who you serve. I never served a mission so I never had an opportunity to continuously serve others who were not family. I prayed for those girls and thought about them constantly. I truly love them and all of their personalities. My heart kinda aches every Wednesday and Sunday. I had a hard time when they changed to 2 hour church because it meant that we only saw our girls every other week. I am one of those weird people who loved 3 hour church. We are trying to do the Come Follow Me and Josh is better at it than I am. The kids like having our nightly lessons that honestly can't last for more than 90 seconds before the kids lose interest.  I tried to teach them how to pray last night and I felt like I was talking to myself but as odd as it is I think I needed to hear what I was saying...  I was asking the kids to try to be more thoughtful and less repetitive, to first thank, then ask. I tried to be more thoughtful last night while Josh and I were saying prayers and Josh told me he had never heard me pray like that before... yea... I need work on being less receptive.  You would think with a life like mine, full of miracles, that I would never falter and have the strongest of faith but I do falter. I do have many times when I don't study and pray as I probably should. I feel like there is so much that I do not know about the scriptures and it is overwhelming how much there is to know and how much I do not know! 

Well this got rather long winded...

Kids, if you ever find this, know I love you...even if you are EXTREMELY hard to potty train...GRANT JOSHUA

It has been too long

I started reading my blog this morning and it brought back a lot of memories. I can not believe it has been this long! I'm now 27 years old with 2 kids, a long way from where I started in 2010. I did not think I would live, let alone have to kids and an amazing husband. I cannot try to recap all the years I've missed so I won't! I'll start from last night and go from there:) Josh is in his third year of medical school and we are in the process of picking a specialty. I cannot begin to calculate how many hours have spent researching and discussing this topic! We only talked about it for 3 hours last night which seemed really short! We  research our top three choices (Rads, Path, Psych) and research the best programs and take into consideration which are within our reach and which we'd actually be okay moving to. It is insane how much time we have spent on this so I won't even try to paint a picture of how it actually is! We are 90% path and have completely narrowed our research to that specialty. My head wants to go to the very best program that we can get into but my heart wants to stay close to home because the job market for path is not the best and we have been told that were you do your residency/fellowship is likely where you end up. My top two are U of U and ABQ but Josh likes all the programs back east. He is taking into consideration all my feelings about the west and I know we will choose the right program but it totally stresses me out. THE MATCH IS NOT UNTIL MARCH 2018! Check the date entry... It is January 2017. We have been discussing this topic since the beginning of 2nd year! When the dental students start the will end up being a dentist and the podiatry students will be podiatrists but not the DO students...we have a million more decisions! I seriously dream about this topic on a regular basis and am clueless as to what we will talk about after the match! :) Josh has somehow talked me into watching Battle star Galactica with him at night on our projector we got for Christmas and i must admit that I actually kinda like it. There's a sleazy girl I don't like at all but the story is actually not bad! Grant has been sleeping like a champ but for some reason I'm still tired all the time. Josh jokes that I'm pregnant but I'm not. He seriously guesses that I'm pregnant every other week. I don't know how many pregnancy tests I've taken just to confirm that I am NOT pregnant!

Cinderella is over and Ill try to make this a regular thing but no promises. I'm hoping that no one still follows my blog so I can write as I want and not worry about other eyes. Ill try to install a site meter to see if anyone follows!

 Come What May

Dear little Adelyn, 

Everyone was right, you are growing up way too fast! I'm sitting outside your door just bawling as you sing yourself to sleep. You've sung I am a Child of God 3 times and have worked your way through new versions of The Wheels on the Bus... You've sung Aiden happy birthday a few times and are currently going through the list of people that love you. "Does Daddy love Addie? ... Yes, does Grandma love Addie? ... Yes, does Vanna love Addie? ... Yes, does Micah love Addie? ...Yes" 

Finally I hear you ask if mommy loves Addie and yes little girl you're right mommy does love Addie and I love you too! I'll cherish these perfect little moments forever! Before I found out I was pregnant with you I thought I didn't think I wanted to have kids because of what might happen with my brain cancer... Because I didn't want to pass away and leave a family here on earth. You, my little punk are the BEST surprise that I have ever received. I'm so glad I have had the chance to be your mommy for the past two years! I'm glad Heavenly Father sent you to me and didn't leave the decision up to me on whether or not having a child was a good decision!! I will love every minute I have with you and pray every night that I'll have many more minutes with you and your baby brother. I can't live like I'm dying... I'm living like I have forever with you! Just know that no matter what happens in life, I LOVE YOU! I will always love you and there is nothing you could do that will ever make me stop loving you.

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For Tara's faithful followers:  (from Becky)

She (as you all noticed) no longer writes much on this blog - she says she wants to forget about the ordeal of cancer; and this blog reminds her of it. She still comments on her life and posts pictures of Addie on instagram quite often; so follow her there. Just search for Tara Schlappi or Tara Bodrero on facebook; and her instagram name is tarabodrero.  I have copied a post from facebook to put on this site.  Words cannot express (again) how grateful we are for all the prayers and support in Tara's behalf.  She is one loved girl!  I do miss her writing and hope she will one day start writing again; but for now please enjoy pictures of Addie and her Joshua and herself on instagram.  She loves life and we never, ever take one day for granted!!!  She still struggles with residual stomach / disgestive / leg hurting issues likely due to all the meds these past years; but is going to start a regimen from a herbologist in a few weeks.  She has been switching seizure meds (after she finished nursing Addie) so she can get off Dilantin; then she will start the "healthy meds."  The herbologist is hopeful that after 9 months; Tara can have all her organs working properly again.  So, we are grateful for every day with Tara and her family; although she does suffer pain; I am hopeful that will go away.  Many days she seems not to suffer at all; so that's a good thing. She has been very tired the past month as she added more seizure meds - you have to add meds before you can take any away...

I don't know why I have cried the past two scans; it's tears of relief and tears of "here we are again - facing the brain tumor world" and also tears for others going through cancer battles.  So many emotions all at once.  Tara is amazing to me and I am so lucky to be her mom.  Addie is one very loved little girl and the greatest thing in the world is to see Tara with Josh &  Addie.  We wouldn't be where we are today without all our friends and family and prayers and our Heavenly Father.  We are soooo grateful!!

Love you all!  

Tara's facebook post:

Well he's going to retire! I might have cried when we had to say goodbye... At least he gave me a good report on my beautiful brain!! NO CHANGE! Love you Dr. Shapiro it's been a crazy 4.5 years and I'm glad you were my oncologist!

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The times of our lives

Hello all!

Becky here.... I love to hear from Tara, but she is apparently busy LIVING LIFE, so I will post some photos.  I have to say, these are the days of our lives - life is really good!  Tara is living a normal life as much as possible now.  There are many times I am brought to tears as I just watch her with her baby, just holding Addie and enjoying her and it's just too much happiness to hold inside!  I realize at times again, what a miracle it really is that Tara can act like a normal mother with normal mother concerns such as:

Feeding a baby, getting her to sleep, loving her, dressing her up, etc. etc.  

Addie has been a very active baby (no sleepiness from seizure meds for this baby!!) and she has given Tara plenty of challenges - getting her to sleep for longer than 30 or 40 minutes at a time is one of them.  Although she will sleep at night, but of course still wakes up once or twice or sometimes more:)  Anyway, my point is, Tara is loving the regular challenges of life, and she loves this little Addie more than she can imagine!  I love spending time with them both and watching Addie grow, and watching Tara love Addie.  I love seeing Tara happy.

Tara still deals with tiredness from seizure meds and an active baby, some sporadic headaches and dizziness, but thankfully no brain tumors.  I pray every single day for her continued health.  Every day I also pray and am so thankful she is HERE with Josh and Addie. HERE, just living life. And, I am eternally grateful for all of you who also pray for Tara and love her as well!  We wouldn't be where we are without you all! So, here's a few pictures!!!

Tara on the last scan day in Shapiro's office.  Addie made the scan much easier!!!  

Nathan on his high school graduation night with Addie.  I'll be an empty nester in September when Nate leaves for a mission for our church to Hermasillo, Mexico!!

Addie eating bananas for the first time

Today at a doctor's appointment. I love Tara's new short haircut!!! 

Now I know why

It has been almost 4 years since May 14, 2010. Since that day my parents have faithfully been right by my side every step of the way. I simply thought it was because they were my parents and because they loved me. Now I have a little beauty of my own and now I know why.

Now I know why my mom wept uncontrollably in the MRI office after seeing the scan on my brain. Now I know why my father set aside all other tasks to research and confirm that I had the very best treatment possible. Now I know why they flew me to San Francisco to have surgery.  Now I know why they lost sleep night after night and sobbed hours on end. Now I know why my Dad cut my much loved strawberries with care and my mom insisted the nurses not wait to give me pain meds. Now I know why they cried when they saw my 72 staples. Now I know why my mom drove me to every single treatment session and my dad help me nap hours on end at work. Now I know why they hurt so badly whenever I did. Now I understand why my dad insists that he be to every MRI. Now I know why my treatment seemed to hurt them so much.

Before I thought they simply loved me. Now that I have my Adelyn the thought of “simply loving” a child is ridiculous. There is nothing simple about the deep, unconditional, passionate love a parent has for a child. As I sit here I picture my Addie going through what I went through and the thought alone brings uncontrollable sobs. How could something so miserable happen to someone I love this much? My parents love me as much as I love Addie.  I don’t know how they did it…

I love you Mom and Dad. Thank you for loving me…now I think I understand more how much you really do.  

Scan Results

Becky again.... these are Tara's words from facebook - it's easier for her to post on facebook, I'm guessing.

Well it has been 11 months since my last scan...today we heard two of our favorite words..."no change"  I decided to stare at my little Addie instead of the brain scan...I wish I had her for all the other scans...I have less anxiety looking at her than at the scans! Happy day 

Becky here.... I did calm down after my brave break when I vented to all of you; and I credit my calming down due to a blessing I received from my brother who is staying here.  As I was completely losing it; the thought kept coming to me, "you could ask Ron for a blessing."  But I disregarded it telling myself I have cried and cried  before and faced hard things and I could do it again; but I finally listened to the thought and I'm so glad I did.  Suffice it to say, I felt the Lord's love for myself and Tara (again) and I was able to calm down and face the scan calmly with Tara.  Tara didn't seem too rattled and I was so glad.  Thank heavens for little Adelyn to be a wonderful distraction.

I can't say enough thanks for all the prayers and support sent our way.  One other little hopeful piece  - Shapiro said since we made it 11 months without a scan we can now wait for 3 months before our next one.  That is great news in the GBM world.  So, now only 4 times a year will we go through this stress.

Scan day

Becky again....

I am sitting here uncontrollaby crying for no really good reason.  I am mostly crying because I am so touched by the support from all of you.  I went on facebook and saw how many people are praying for sweet Tara today.  I just don't know how we could make it through this without prayer.  So, why am I crying??  Is it because I've already been up since 4:30 and am overly tired?  No, I think the reason I can't stop is because my sweet daughter has to face the brain world again today and she is scared.  I don't like her to have to face this.  I don't want to face it, either.  It's been a nice long break without scans but face it we must.  And we can only do it with the support of the Lord and our friends and family.  I just wish that all she had to face every day was the beautiful face of her little daughter and the love of her husband.  I don't want this to be part of her life.  I know we are likely better people because of it; but this just stinks sometimes. So, I am crying and crying and taking my "brave break" now so I won't do it when I'm with Tara.  Thanks for letting me vent and keep those prayers coming.

Love you all

Pictures of Adelyn!!!

Becky here..... it's a little hard for Tara to post pictures with one hand.... so I'm helping her out and getting some cute pictures on the blog.

There is nothing in the world so miraculous as a baby; and watching Tara, Josh, and little Adelyn together is the MOST heart-warming thing in the whole world!!!  Such a miracle and blessing!  I love this little girl so much!  This is the best!  Now I have 3 grandchildren here to enjoy; and 3 more on the way!  Aaahhhh life is beautiful.  We are so blessed.  Please pray for us as Tara faces the scan / brain world again this week. She has been having headaches but we are blaming them on lack of sleep and hormones.  She does seem to be getting better as the days pass and is recovering from childbirth.  Feeding little Adelyn takes all her time, and as new mothers know, getting anything else other than caring for a baby done during the day is a bonus.  A shower is a bonus, a walk, or any picking up in the house!  I love watching Tara experience the NORMAL things about life - all these experiences with the baby are treasured moments for sure!  We love you all and appreciate your support!

Adelyn Mae Bodrero

December 18, 2013 8 pounds, 8 ounces, 20 inches. I love my baby girl. I lost a ton of blood and had an infection so we will be here a few extra days but all will be just fine. She is amazing and a total daddy's girl. It doesn't bug Josh at all and he is an amazing Dad to our little Addie Mae. All our pictures are on the camera so we will have to wait until we get home to post them here. She is a beautiful chunky baby with a lot of dark hair.

She is on her way!!!!!

We got to the hospital late last night and she will be here within a few hours!!!! Pray for a smooth delivery:)

Ready to Pop!

Okay our baby girl is due in 6 days...I was ready 6 days ago....I think! :) Ha, will I ever be ready? I know I am ready to attempt to see my toes again! Luckily I have been able to sleep like a rock the past week or so...I have heard it may be my last chance! Every time I kiss Josh off to work in the morning or walk out my door I wonder, "Is this the last time?" When will she be here? The anticipation and suspense is driving me, and everyone around me (because it is all I talk about) crazy! Every time I see my mom she gets a giddy smile on her face when she stares at my monstrous belly! I look down and giggle a happy and scared giggle... ummm how is this supposed to work? How is this 7+ pound beauty supposed to make her way out? Yes, another reason I am anxious to party started? If she really is supposed to gain half a pound a week, we have problems... she was measured last time at 7 pounds, 6 ounces... it has been well over a week since then... I think 8 pounds sounds big enough... let's go!!

This is Nate, my "little big" and I at his eagle a few weeks ago. I have since discovered about 5 new stretch marks which leads me to believe I am a wee bit bigger today... My belly is bigger than your belly little bug!

Ha someone asked me other day when I was due and when I told them the 19th they asked, "What month?" You have got to be kidding me!!! This month :) 

We are so excited to become a happy family of 3 but she needs to wait until her Uncle Nate Bug and Grandpa Scott get home from Canada... hurry home guys!!! I am having another contraction! 

Never been so happy to have pain in my life...it means she is on her way!

Grandma!!!

Becky here....

Just had to share some of my joy as well.... Tara's last post was tough for me.  A few weeks ago she spoke at the ASU institute and she chided me on my "faith" and told me my faith cannot be based on how long she lives and that she might not live as long as I want her to.  I don't like the fact that those thoughts run around in my precious daughter's head.  So, I changed my wording to more appropriately reflect "hope" - really I believe my faith is rooted in Christ, no matter what happens.  BUT, that doesn't mean that I cannot HOPE and PRAY every single day that my daughter's life is spared. (which I DO).  But, on to happier thoughts.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe I'm not dreaming.  I tear up regularly when I look at Tara's large stomach.  It's unbelievable to me.  Awhile ago I was privileged to accompany Tara to an ultrasound.  It was such a surreal feeling to be looking at pictures of 4 chambers of a heart with a little tiny heartbeat going strong, a spine with NO defects or breaks in it (which they are watching because of the seizure meds) AND a little tiny face with Josh's lips!!  Unbelievable how the 3D images are so much clearer than the old ultrasounds.  I teared up 3 times during the ultrasound and I just can't get enough of watching this whole pregnancy unfold.  I have to admit it was a little strange to be looking at an ultrasound instead of an MRI of the brain.  Much nicer!  Speaking of which; the doctor asked us if we were going to see Shapiro - we have taken a 6 month break from scans and it's been pretty nice.  We entered the pregnancy world and are trying to forget about the brain tumor world.  I felt the baby kick a few days ago.  happy happy times!

Another blessing has happened as well - Rachel is pregnant also!  I never dreamed the girls would both be pregnant at the same time.  Actually, I dreamed about it; but just didn't ever think it would be a reality.  I cried about the fact that they probably wouldn't have babies together more than I dreamed about it happening.  Rachel and Tara have flipped roles - it is SOOO weird!  Everyone asks me how Tara is doing with her pregnancy - and my reply is this, "she's doing soo much better than Rachel!"  Tara eats and is hungry all the time.  It's completely amazing after years of having not much of an appetite to watch her enjoy eating again.  She's putting on weight and looking like a normal pregnant woman.  (she has to post pictures, she won't let me:)  On the other hand, Rachel has always LOVED food and could outeat most of us; but now she picks at her food and has nausea way too often. She's 20 weeks + and has lost 9 pounds and doesn't look at bit pregnant.  It's sad.  We spent the weekend with she and Nathan last weekend for the spectacular Albuquerque balloon fiesta, and it was hard for me to leave knowing I can't really cook for her or help her through this at all.  I did try to make up for lost time while I was there and fill her fridge and make a few meals; but that will be gone soon.  Oh, the joys of pregnancy!  Thankfully she has a very attentive and empathetic husband who also COOKS!

And, we are still enjoying our Tuesdays and Tara is really starting to act more and more normal and is starting to get as hooked on quilting as I am:)  She's in nesting and project mode.  Yesterday our Tuesday was spent looking at her very cute little apartment.  She is really getting ready for the baby and it's so fun to see.  The little blessing dress she wore is displayed and the bassinet is in the bedroom. the rocker is ready and waiting.  She's planning and preparing and LIVING LIFE.  Then on to the granite stores to weigh in on Steph's countertop decision:)  Tuesdays are like my weekend:) I look forward to them so much - Tara, and often, Stephanie and Katelyn come over.  It's the BEST.  I prefer these kind of Tuesdays to the Tuesdays at St. Joe's; although Dr. Smith is truly a wonderful man, I don't miss the necessity of our past Tuesday dates.  And we are on to a baby shower soon as well!  So much fun!!!

Enough said.... on to preparing for Christmas because that has to be done EARLY this year; which isn't usually the case for me:)  Thanks sooo much for all your love and prayers!  You people are all the best!  I have people regularly tell me they still pray for Tara every day - well, she's here and we are sooo very thankful for your prayers!!! They lift us up.

“You know, I really did not think I was going to make it this long”

“I did not either”

“I thought I would be gone within three years for sure”

“Me too”

“Then why did you marry me…forever?”

“Because knowing I would have some time as your husband is better than no time.”

Last week we went to a friend’s and this was part of our conversation while we danced. I cannot get it out of my head. I honestly thought I would be lucky to make it through treatment and now today, I sit here 30 weeks pregnant with a baby they told me I would never have. I am overcome with awe when I look at my life. I think of all the things I have done, and I am so glad I was wrong about my timeline. I am overcome with the love my husband had and has for me and am grateful for the love we already have for our baby girl.

While dancing in Josh’s arms I had a flash back to all the initial fear of not having forever with him and not having long in this life with my family.  

There have been many times the past 30 weeks (I blame the hormones) that I have cried out of pure joy and unbelief. I cannot believe that this is my life…I am so happy. Josh asks if I am okay then smiles when I tell him, “I am just so happy”. I love being so happy. I love being loved, I love being alive, I love our friends and families, and I love our future family. I cannot believe this is my life!

I am alive

I am pregnant

I am in love

I am happy

--never thought I would have all this

--I don’t need anything more

-Tara & Adelyn Mae

Dear Anonymous from the Czech Republic...

Please email me at tarabodrero@gmail.com

I would love to hear more of your story! Congratulations on your preganancy! :)

Baby Girl

Well if you have not heard by now...
Joshua and I are having a GIRL!!!

We went in with our guesses. I thought she was a girl and Josh chose boy to to have an opposing guess... One of us was bound to be right and as usual...I was right! She was exercising her long Bodrero legs and sucking her thumb :) She was moving so much, the tech had to keep chasing her around and she kept her legs crossed until I emptied my bladder...then we got a good shot...clearly a girl! :) 

I wanted to tell the grandparents-to-be together and since they live within minutes of each other we had a little get together and I brought the treat. My mom could not wait to get to the center...it was quite a scene..people ripping open the cakes to get to the middle! 

I can not wait to meet our little girl. We did not have any boy names that we liked so I always joked that it needed to be a girl for that reason alone :) 

I am growing like crazy now and have fully embraced the paneled pants. I often question why I did not find these many Thanksgivings ago...they are so nice! I will have to keep a pair out for "special" times in the future when I am not pregnant but eat until I look like I am.:) 

I am 23 weeks now and she is kicking like crazy! My favorite is when she kicks so hard you can see it from the outside! 

Life is grand here in the ridiculously hot Mesa, AZ! 

______________________________________________________

quick update from appointment yesterday...

I gained 9 pounds...you should have seen the doctors face... :) I did not gain any weight the first trimester and they actually encouraged me to try to make sure I was gaining weight...well...I blew up real fast! She told me not to come in every time with a 9 pound weight gain :) I tried on a skirt that I thought might work for work today...I had about 4 inches space...not even close! I guess I really am stuck with the stretchy skirt Josh bought me and my panel pants!! :) 

Well lunch break is over again! Sending love from WealthPlan Advisers 

Tara + Baby Girl

Dearest Blog.

It is lunch time again at work…the day is half over! The baby was craving something more than a pb&j so I found myself at Sprouts! I was in the car, in and out of sprouts, and back to my lovely desk within 8 minutes… RECORD (and not a single missed call) Now I sit happily with my turkey & avocado sandwich with a wallet much happier than if I had gone to Paradise across the street. I am the only one in the office right now…my typing never seemed so loud. The market is closed so everyone took off after 11 but conveniently dad and I did not get the message…J I guess it is a good thing because I will be gone so much this next month on vacation. I am hoping being on vacation makes this month pass faster.

It seems like most of this year has been full of count-downs.

Count down to when Josh takes the MCAT (ridiculously long count down)

Count down to when we got his score back –one month has never seemed so long in my life. I swear going through radiation went faster than waiting for his score.

Count down to Pharm Tech certification (eh not too bad) followed by a count down to receiving scores.   

Count down to Josh’s first day at work

Count down to Telluride

Now for the count down of all count downs… baby gender day!!! (22 days)

After that count down to med school application/ interview/acceptance time

Finally we end the year with…BABY!!!!

Josh and I get to see Baby B on July 25! I am about 15 weeks pregnant and my pants are definitely not fitting like they are supposed to. I thought you were not supposed to show as soon with your first and what’s with this whole hip thing I got going on? I did not gain a single pound my first trimester and the doctor said not to worry…the pounds will come…he was right! 2 weeks later…about 8 pounds heavier but not in my belly…ummm I thought this was supposed to be a gradual weight gain thing… I think I got a little happy my appetite was back and got to know the dinner potatoes too well! There is no way that little avocado in me weighs that much! :)

I am off to girls’ camp tomorrow, leaving Josh to fend for himself this 4^th of July. Hopefully someone will feed him a burger (then I know he will be fine).

Well my sandwich is gone which means my lunch break is too.

I’ll take good pictures at Girls Camp!

-love Tara & Baby B.