Hey all it is me here! Yes me I know surprise surprise. I know that my mother has been updating a bit on what has been going on lately but now it is my turn from my mouth/fingers... whatever
So my friend asked me if I had heard this song this morning.
She told me that it reminded her of Josh and I. :)
This video to me reminds me not only of Josh but my own family, wards, bloggers, and friends. You have all loved me though this. If you did not believe in miracles...you should now. If you are still hesitant feel free to just come on by and see me. I am a crazy lunatic!...just like before. Everyone is noticing and let me assure you...I am too. It has been more than two weeks now that I have been able to look people in the eyes and say "I am doing well, so very well" when they ask me how I am doing. There is no pretending...no putting on the happy face...no shoving food down just to try to eat. I am me. I am back and it feels good. I know that previously I may have mentioned that I felt better than ever and I thought that I was feeling what normal was...WRONG! Now I know what it is like. I feel like I am pre-chemo, pre-radiation, and pre- tumor...It amazes me still to wake up and not have a headache. I cannot believe how many nights I tried to sleep like that only knowing that the next morning I was bound to wake up in pain. Now I wake up to a beautiful alarm clock!!! Josh thinks that it is annoying but I do not know if he has been woken up because of pain before. I am just so happy I turn that baby all the way up and then get to push snooze!!! What a treat! There was no snoozing from tumor pain...no sleeping though or going back to sleep. I seriously am so grateful for the way I was able to wake up this morning.
It all feels like a dream...dad says nightmare. It is the most vivid dream I have ever had and I am grateful for that. Had I not remembered how horrid it was to climb the stairs at work I probably would have been really mad at the stubbed toe I got instead of grateful that I got to skip up them two by two. I am feeling so well. I want to clean, I want to work, ride my bike, do the dishes, run errands, and sweep the patios... and guess what...I get to. I have a body who now says it is okay to do all these things. Saturdays chores...I know why I loathed them...I did not know what it was like without them. Now I know, Now I want to do them. Dishes...I got to take a turn the other night...not sure if mom wrote this or not. She told me that it was not my night so I did not have to do them...it was not my turn...I then assured her that it had not been "my night" for over a year and a half and that it was okay...I could take a turn...I have a lot of making up to do. I get up and down and out of bed like a pro and sometimes make Josh help me just cause...not cause I need it.
Okay back on the subject of my Joshua and all of you. Let this be part of a thank you. I watched that video and heard the lyrics and seriously saw myself with my own personal angels carrying me though. I know that I did not endure this trial alone...I took the whole neighborhood and parts of other countries with me. You will never know how grateful I am for that. I hope that one day I can show you how grateful I am...because guess what...I can. You all have served me just by reading, or visiting the page. I know that you check and that makes me so happy. I am one very happy girl. I am so grateful for where I am right now. I had a lot of hope that one day this day would come...that I would be able to be here and feel good too. That I would have motion is all arms and legs...all little toes to.
I am looking healthier according to everyone who has seen me at different stages...I guess it is my skin and my countenance. No more pretending I feel good. No more making myself feel good. I straight up, literally feel good and let me tell you.... It feels so good to feel good.
Hopefully now I have a better understanding of trials and how people really need to be loved though their trials. It is not a "it is nice to be loved"... no I consider it a "need". I know that I 100% needed it. I want to love those around me through their trials because I know...they are going to need it too.